Nearly Famous Fred - Texas Cyclist

Contador & Lance...what an absolute mess, part 1

2012-02-06T13:10:00.001-06:00

First and foremost, I am not an expert on performance enhancing drugs, masking agents, UCI or WADA policy, or the International legal system. I do consider myself to be a person with a certain amount of common sense, and a realist. That is, I see things how they actually are, and not how I'd like for them to be.

As far as the Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong legal cases, I'm starting to believe that those are the two main things that have been missing from how both of these cases have been handled.

And above all else, I believe that if you are going to set in place a set of rules for people to follow, then you have to abide by those rules like they are carved in stone. Not only do the people who are asked to live by these rules have to treat them like they are carved in stone, but the people doing the asking have to treat them like that.

If you want a sure fire way to make sure things degenerate into chaos, then start down the slippery slope of selective enforcement.

First, the Alberto Contador case. This one seems ridiculously simple. The UCI/WADA rules state two things. First, a rider cannot have any clenbuteral in his system. The important word in that rule is "any". And second, the rules state it is the rider's responsibility to make sure that no clenbuteral enters his system. Either on purpose, or by accident, the burden lies with the cyclist. That seems pretty cut and dried to me. It doesn't matter if it was an accident, (by eating contaminated meat as Contador claims). If you test positive, your guilty. When the Spanish Cycling Federation cleared Contador or any wrongdoing, they were basically choosing to selectively enforce the rule.

CAS, (The Court of Arbitration for Sport), decided to ban Contador for 2 years, and strip him not only of his 2010 Tour de France title, but also his 2011 Giro d'Italia title. Is this a fair decision? I don't know, but I do know that per the rules, it is the right decision.

These are the rules that everyone was aware of, or should have been aware of, and that everyone agreed to race by when they signed on to be a pro cyclist. The time to protest the rule was before you failed a drug test. To start crying about how unfair the rules is after you've been accused of breaking it, seems a tad hypocritical.

Secondly, the Lance Armstrong case. Let's begin by allowing me to state that you're not likely to meet anyone with a bigger non-sexual man crush on Lance Armstrong than me. And despite what I'm about to say in the blog, frankly, even I believe that Lance probably engaged in some sort of illegal activity while he was racing. If Lance wasn't doping, then he was probably the only one in the peloton at that time who wasn't.

But knowing or believing something is one thing, proving it is another.

For the last 10 years of his cycling career, Lance was, without a doubt, the single most tested athlete on the face of the earth. And not only has he never failed a drug test, he's never even had a "suspicious" drug test. There are those who will say "well he just never got caught". That very well could be true. But these are the rules set down by WADA & the UCI. You cannot ruin a person's career, and probably ruin them financially, based on what you believe happened. You have to have facts if you are going to take those kind of drastic actions.

Soem will say that Alberto didn't deserve what he got, and Lance didn't get what he should have gotten. That to may very well be true. But if you are going to operate an organization like the UCI, you've got to have rules, and those rules have to be enforced for everyone. You cannot get into the business of deciding who "deserves" punishment, based on what kind of person you perceive them to be. Punishments have to be handed out based on the written rules and the facts in evidence in that case.

This reminds me of a true story here in Texas. A few years ago, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about the case of a family who had showed up to claim their multi-million dollar Texas lottery prize. They had the winning ticket, they showed up at the right office. The trouble was, they showed up 3 days too late. This was a family that really could have used the money. One of the host of the radio show was saying that the lottery commission should have gone ahead and given them the money, even though, per the rules, they were too late.

The other radio host asked a very astute question. What if it had been Donald Trump who showed up 3 days late to collect his millions of dollars? Does he deserve to get it?

If you are going to run something like the Texas Lottery, or the UCI, you cannot get into the business of determining who deserves a million dollars, or who deserves punishment, based on how nice a person they are. There have to be rules, and they have to be enforced.

Now, do I think that these decisions are right? Based on the rules set down by the UCI, absolutely yes. Do I think that these rules are fair? Probably not. Just because these were the right decisions, based on the current rules, does't mean that the current rules don't need to be changed.

Who does the UCI blame for the current mess that is professional cycling? They need look no farther than the mirror. More on that in tomorrow's posting.

Peace out...NFF.

Let's try and be adults about this...

2012-02-02T09:21:00.001-06:00

Today, I'd like to talk about a subject, that while it's somewhat uncomfortable to speak about in mixed company, but it is something that every avid cyclist has dealt with at least once in their cycling career.

Of course, I'm referring to chamois cream. (I'll wait a second for the collective gasp to quiet down.) OK, now that we've managed to recompose ourselves, we can continue.

Just in case there are non-cyclist reading this, (what are the chances), who have no idea what chamois cream is, allow me to explain. (Brace yourself.) A chamois is the the piece of padding that sits in the bottom of a pair of cycling shorts, designed to cushion the riders backside and "naughty bits", from hours of sitting on the saddle whilst riding their bikes. Chamois cream is a commercial product sold to lubricate and soften this padding.

Yes, I choose to use the phrase "naughty bits", being aware that there is the possibility, however remote, that children might inadvertently stumble upon this site and read this. Other phrases that I considered, but rejected, were "private parts", "pee-pee", "wedding tackle", and the vulgar "weiner". There were others that I could have used, but that's a long dark road that we do not want to go down. Trust me on this.

I don't think I would get a lot of argument from other cyclist that chamois cream benefits most riders who choose to wear it. Chamois cream is one of those things that, beneficial as it might be, a lot of cyclist avoid just because they are uncomfortable with one, or more aspects of either purchasing it, applying it, and wearing it. Not to mention, talking about it with other cyclist. As a guy, I can only speak from the male point-of-view. I invite you gals out there to offer the female take on this. But I think the problem is actually 3-fold.

Purchasing chamois cream. It might just be me, but walking into my local bike shop, grabbing a tube of chamois cream, and walking up to counter and paying for it, is akin to my wife asking me to go to the store and buy her some maxi-pads. I don't even like going down that aisle at the grocery store.

And the manufacturers are absolutely no help. Let's sample some of the names of some of the chamois creams that you're likely to find;

DZ Nuts (pronounced "deez nuts". Hilarious.)
or DZ Nuts Bliss (specifically for women. Insert your own joke here.)
Chamois Butt'r (somtimes marketed as "Butt Butt'r". Again, hilarious.)
Belgium Budder (apparently the Belgium's don't know the proper spelling of Butt'r.)
Udderly Smooth (really? What has that got to do with biking and bike shorts?)
And my personal favorite, Hoo Ha Ride Glide. Marketed with the catch phrase "for women, by women". If I didn't already know what it was for, I would have guessed some sort of women's marital aid.

Applying the chamois cream. I think this is the part where most people get off the chamois cream bandwagon. Especially for us guys, the idea of taking a handful of grease and applying it to our behind, "naughty bits", and the nooks & crevices in those areas, presents real problems. This might be easier for women, as you all are a little more comfortable with lotions and creams and what not. But I think I can speak with some authority that most guys would rather be whacked across the shins with a 2x4, than to have to grease up the backsides.

Two quick stories to pass along regarding the application of chamois cream. Both of these stories are absolutely true. Lets's all try and learn something from my misfortune.

Story #1 - While out of town and staying in a hotel overnight for a bike ride, as is my habit the night before the ride, I put everything that I am going to need the next morning out on the table in my room. This would include my kit, shoes, snacks to carry on the bike the next day, and my chamois cream. What I failed to notice was that the table that everything was sitting on was right in front of the air conditioner. With it being Texas and 105 degrees outside, said AC was running at full blast. As uncomfortable as putting on warm chamois cream might be, it pales in comparison to putting on ice cold chamois cream. The term "shrinkage" aptly describes the result.

Story #2 - In preparing for my afternoon bike ride one day at home, I stepped into my closet to apply a generous coating of chamois cream. Unfortunately for all involved, I failed to close the closet door. As I'm in the middle of the application, my 12 year-old son walks into the room and has an excellent view of me "greasing up". As he stared at his father, naked except for the bike short around his knees, slightly bent over at the waist, with his rear-end covered in a shiny coating of cream, he got a look of absolute horror on his face, and blurted out/scream, "What are you doing?!?!". My completely plausible explanation failed to make him feel any better. I'm fairly certain that we'll both be telling that story to a therapist one day.

Wearing the chamois cream. If you've managed to get over the hurdles of purchasing and then applying the chamois cream, then the actual wearing of the cream usually doesn't present too many issues. There are a couple of pitfalls to be aware of.

First, I don't like to apply the cream before I arrive at the bike ride. Sitting on the cloth seats in my car with shorts full of chamois cream, tends to lead to stains on the seat that no amount of explanation will make seem plausible. So inevitably, you wind up standing in the door of your car, with your hand awkwardly shoved down the back of your shorts, trying to carefully "apply the grease". This inevitably leads to some very strange looks from the people in the cars around you.

Secondly, you have to be careful not to apply too much chamois cream. If you get carried away, the cream has been known to seep through the bike short. It basically looks like you "snowed" in your pants. This too has been known to lead to some odd looks and uncomfortable pointing.

As the title of the column indicates, it is my hope that we can all be adults about this. For those of you who know me well, your screams of "fat chance of that" are deafening. Quite frankly, I giggled the whole time I was writing this. But as a committed wear'er of chamois cream, (Belgium Budder is the current flavor of the month), I refuse to let my Jr High sense of humor deter me from an obviously beneficial product. I encourage you to do the same.

Just please remember to lock the door.

Peace out....NFF.

Waaay off the deep end...

2012-01-31T11:26:00.001-06:00

If you are a regular reader of this blog, and frankly, how could you not be, you will have noticed a few "eccentricities" associated with my writing. Among these are:

My odd, over-use of commas.
My over-use of the words "frankly" & "apparently".
Numerous typos, which may or may not get corrected.
My apparent inability to spell "eccentricities". (You know it's bad when spell-check can't figure out what the he!! you were trying to spell.)

But of all the odd things you might have noticed about my writing, the oddest is probably the fact that I will post to this blog for several weeks on end, and then not post for weeks, or even months. Then I'll start posting again. And then stop. And start again. And then stop. Etc. When I first started writing this blog, I literally posted every night. Then it was 3 or 4 times a week. Then a couple of times a week. And then finally, 2 or 3 times a month.

In trying to figure out why I do this, I've made a very disturbing and depressing discovery:

To be honest, I really don't have that much to say. That is, I don't have much to say that anyone else might even remotely find interesting.

In addition to disturbing and depressing, I also found this discovery to be somewhat confusing. It's confusing because while I don't really have anything interesting to say, I seem to always be saying something. I seem to be constantly voicing my opinion about whatever boring subject that randomly pops into my head.

And what's even odder, (odder?, more odd?), is that the knowledge that what I'm saying isn't particularly interesting, hasn't seemed to stop me, or even slow me down, from talking about it. ("It" being what ever I'm talking about.) I seem to just keep rambling on.

I bring all of this up now because even though I have had a hard time consistently writing to this blog, not only have I decided to once again resume posting to it, I've taken this experiment to it's extreme, illogical conclusion. In addition to this blog, I will also be writing and maintaining an enter website.

Where a lesser man might let his inability to consistently write to one website stop him from adding even more web responsibilities, I've decided that the best defense is a good offense. Instead of giving up on a web presence all together, I've decided to expand my web empire by adding www.nearlyfamousfred.com.

That's not to be confused with this blog, nearlyfamousfred.blogspot.com. (You should probably go ahead and create separate bookmarks in your browser for both of these two sites, just to be safe.) For simplicity sake, I'll refer to the website as "my website", and this blog as "my blog". (It's a pretty simple system, but if you have trouble with it, post a comment and I'll explain it in more detail.)

While "my blog" is where I will be writing about my own cycling life and expressing my cycling opinions, "my website" will be more of a collection of cycling news and links. Kind of a one-stop information site for all things cycling.

My hope here is that in researching and finding interesting cycling articles and cycling news items for "my website", this will stimulate my creative juices for ideas to write about in "my blog". (See how well that system works.). At least I hope it does.

More to come. Peace out...NFF

It Just Never Changes

2011-07-14T14:34:00.007-05:00

Against my better judgement, I've decided to go ahead and start posting to this blog now and again. For those of you who thought this nightmare was over, I sincerely apologies.

I make no promises about the content of this blog. I'll try and minimize the use of this blog as a personal place for Nearly Famous Fred to b!tch and moan about anything that's bothering him, but again, I make no promises. If you're offended by cursing, or a thinly disguised reference to a curse, (see b!tch in the previous sentence), then this probably isn't the blog for you. I have been known to use some somewhat colorful language. My 12 year old son and our CPS case worker can confirm this.

With those extreeemly thin promises as a back-drop, I'd like to go ahead and b!tch and complain about something. (Sorry, I tried my best. Really.)

If you're a cyclist in the Dallas/Ft Worth area, heartoafter referred to as DFW, you are undoubtedly familiar with BikeDFW.org . They are a cycling advocacy group dedicated to "increase the use, accessibility, and safety of bicycling in North Texas". A nobel pursuit if every there was one.

I would like to bring to your attention, the following article that I found on the BikeDFW website today. Please click here to read the article.

I know. I was as shocked as you are. Cyclist misbehaving on our beloved Collin County roads? I find it hard to imagine a world were such a thing is possible. But apparently, it's true. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with my writing, such as it is, I currently hold a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Sarcasm.)

For those of you who just refuse to believe that this is true, as a resident of Collin County and a cyclist for the last 11 years, I have a few observations and statements to pass along to you:

1) Dear PBA...while your fake Tour de France pelaton is very impressive, we all know it's not really the Tour de France. I for one, would be more impressed if, instead of riding a large group of 20 to 50 riders all over the road, you just rode in a nice double pace line, and singled up and allowed the automobile traffic to pass you. You will get bonus points if you can avoid shouting or flipping off the drivers of the cars as they go by.

2) The next time I see someone in a McKinney Velo kit stop at a stop sign, or stop at a red light and actually wait for it to turn green, it will be the first time.

3) While I have never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the package, even I can see that there is nothing good to be gained by blocking traffic while on one of my bike rides. The absolutely best thing that is going to happen is that I am going to pi$$ off a motorist. And as I frequent the Collin County roads quite often, odds are that I'm likely to cross paths with said motorist again. Even as dim-witted as my 12 year old will tell you I am, (enthusiastically tell you), even I can see that there is nothing good to be gained by that.

Don't get me wrong, I ride these Collin County roads frequently, so I know exactly who we're dealing with. While most of the people who live in these area's are very tolerant of cyclist, it would seem that there are some people living out there on the back roads, who are working from a very shallow gene pool. I've had more than one beer bottle fly by my head.

But if we're going to continue to enjoy riding on these roads, we've got to learn to get along. Even if some of the motorist make it difficult, we've got to hold up our end of the deal and ride legally. If we don't the rest of Collin County could wind up like Anna, TX.

If your wondering why, as a Collin County cyclist, you're not familiar with Anna, there's a very simple reason. In 2006, Anna passes a city ordinance, effectively banning cyclist from the main road through the middle of town. It seems the good folk of Anna got tired of cycling groups rolling through the middle of town blocking traffic. They can be unreasonable that way.

If it can happen in Anna, it can happen in a lot of other places. The Collin County Sheriff's Department has given us all a warning. Right now, they're just writing tickets. If attitudes from the cyclist don't change, I don't want to find out what the next step might be.

This has been a Nearly Famous Freditorial.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

It never ceases to amaze me...

2009-08-22T20:49:00.007-05:00

I've always considered myself to be a pretty level headed and logical kind of guy. Per my Buddhist tendencies and Lutheran background and upbringing, I don't tend to react to situations in any sort of extreme manner. I don't get terribly excited about the good things, and I don't get too upset about the bad things. I figure that things tend to even out over time.

Along those same lines, I don't get surprised by too many things either. You don't tend to get knocked off of your feet by a wave, if you're content to bob along with the tide.

(Wow, that's actually pretty deep. Feel free to quote me on that.)

But the other day, I was surprised by a couple of things. Allow me to give you a not so brief synopsis of what happened.

Last Saturday, my wife and I were on our way to pick up our son Michael, as he was participating in a chess tournament over in Plano.

(We are currently training him to be a nerd. It appears to be going well.)

As we're driving along, I noticed up ahead, something swerving all over the right hand lane of the two lane road we were driving on. We got closer, and I realized it was a cyclist. As we come up behind him, we all arrived at a red light. I'm guessing that most of you know what's coming next. That's right, the guy runs the red light.

I should have figured the guy was going to run the red light, as he was wearing a tank top skin suit. A dead give away that the guy was a triathlete. No offense to any triathletes who happen to be reading this, or are having someone read it to them, (I'm kidding.), but it is my opinion, and only my opinion, that triathletes tend to ride their bicycles in a more haphazard, slightly illegal fashion that other cyclist. I'm not saying all triathletes ride this way, or even most triathletes. I'm just saying that they tend to be slightly ahead of the curve on illegal riding habits. For more of my opinions on triathletes, please click here.

So, the guy runs the red light. I suppress my desire to immediately run the guy down.

(Again, I'm kidding, sort of.)

After Trish and I wait for the light to turn green, I move to the left lane and roll my passenger's window down. As I pull up along side of him, I shout out the window, "You really should stop at those red lights!". To his credit, showing that he's not a complete idiot, he doesn't respond in any fashion, at least not yet, which is the correct response in this situation. Having said my piece, we go on down the road, where we catch the red light at the next intersection. Since we're making a left turn at this intersection, we're in the left turn lane. I glance in my mirror and I notice that the guy on the bike has now moved from the right lane, to the left lane, which is right next to the left turn lane. I continue to watch him, and he has now moved to the left side of that left lane, so that he is now going to pass right next to my car. Again, I imagine that most of you can guess what's going to happen next. For those of you who guessed that he flipped me off as he went by, you would once again be correct.

The finger flip is actually the retort of last resort. If you've completely run out of arguments and you have no logical responses to an adversaries arguments, and you finally admit to yourself that you were indeed wrong, but you refuse to admit it to your opponent, the the finger flip is what you resort too. It is the 'dirty bomb' of verbal confrontation.

He then proceeds to pedal up to the front of the line of cars waiting for the red light, were he cuts in front of the left lane of traffic and the cars in left turn lane, making an illegal u-turn, and once again, running another red light. So he is now traveling back down the 4 lane divided road towards me. I won't bore you with the detail, but needless to say, as he went by, we exchanged more pleasantries and obscure hand gestures.

So what, might you ask, surprised me about this encounter?

The first thing that surprised me about this, and it's something that continues to surprise me every time I see it, is the moronic way some people ride their bicycles. I don't know about you, but when I ride my bike on the road, I try and give the automobiles a healthy amount of respect. Not that most of them have earned that respect, but by the shear size of them, compared to the size of me and my bike, and the amount of damage they could potentially do to me and my bike, they should be given that respect. If for no other reason that simple self preservation.

The second thing that surprised me about this encounter, arose from a very intelligent question that Trish asked. It wasn't surprising that Trish asked an intelligent question. You can believe me when I say that if an intelligent question is going to be asked at our house, it is more than likely going to come from Trish. Next would be our 10 year old son Michael, then our cat Boo. Currently, I rate slightly ahead of our dog Pepper, but she's only 8 months old. I expect that she'll pass me in the rankings sometime this winter.

No, what was surprising was that I didn't immediately have a good answer for her. Now in all fairness to me, (I usually try and be as fair as possible to me), the fact that I was screaming out the window at this guy was probably distracting me from forming an intelligent response to Trish.

So, as I rolled my passenger window down and was getting ready to shout at the guy, Trish asked, "Why do you need to say something to this guy? What do you care how he rides his bike?"

That's actually a pretty good question. Why would I need to say something to this guy? What do I care if this guy goes out and rides like an idiot?

How this guy rides actually falls under my famous and much talked about theory of the "Self-Correcting Problem".

The problem here is that this guy, and others like him, ride in an unsafe, illegal, and moronic fashion.

The correction to this problem is that eventually, if this guys continues to ride like this, he's going to do something unsafe and moronic at the wrong time, and he'll wind up getting squashed under a large vehicle.

And the problem will have corrected itself.

So if the odds are that eventually this problem will correct itself, why do I feel the need to address it with him. Until this guy gets himself squashed under a big vehicle, he not only makes himself look bad, but he makes all cyclist look bad. When motorist see this guy run a red light, they don't think "Look at that cyclist run that red light! That cyclist is riding illegally." No, what they actually think is that "All cyclist ride illegally." Motorist don't make the distinction between the actions of a single rider, and the actions of all riders. When riders like my new red light running friend ride illegally, they make us all look bad. I have enough problems keeping myself out of trouble, without getting lumped in with this guy. This guy riding like he does, makes it more difficult for all of us to go out and ride our bikes without getting beer bottles thrown at our heads. We should all be upset about how this guy rides. We should all want to say something to him.

When the city of Anna, Texas, just north of McKinney, banned bicyclist from FM 455, that didn't just ban the cyclist who had been riding in a large, fake, Tour de France peleton, and causing all of the problems. They banned all cyclist from that road. That's the danger to the rest of us law abiding riders, that cyclist like my new friend pose. While this guy, and the others like him, may be in the minority of cyclist, they are the ones that get the vast majority of the attention of motorist. Who are motorist more likely to remember? This guy running the red light on his bicycle, or me stopping at the red light on my bike, and waiting for it to turn green. They'll have forgotten about me 10 seconds after that light turns green. But they'll remember this guy every time they see a cyclist on the road.

That's why I needed to say something to this guy.

On a more personal note, if you happen to be in the McKinney, TX area either riding your bike, or just driving your car, and you happen to find yourself on McKinney Ranch Parkway, between Alma Rd and Custer Rd, keep a look out for my new friend. He would be the guy on his bike, in a tank top skin suit, swerving all over the road, and not stopping at the stop signs or the red lights. If you happen to see him, be sure to roll your window down and express your opinion on how he's riding. Also, be sure to tell him the Nearly Famous Fred said hi.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S....Next week we have Nearly Famous Fred first. I'll be reporting remotely from Wichita Falls, TX. What, you might ask, in the name of God, could possibly make me spend a weekend in Wichita Falls, TX. Just about the only thing that could do that, is a bike ride. And not just any bike ride, but The Hotter-N-Hell 100 bike ride. Nothing says "Good Times!" like riding your bicycle through the lovely Wichita Falls scrub brush country side, in the 105 degree heat, for 100 mikes. Or in my case, 100 kilometers. Now that's living. I'll even be taking a day of vacation from work next Friday, so I can spend even more time in Wichita Falls. These are the kind of decisions that will eventually force Trish to put me in some sort of sub-standard nursing home.

NFF

OK, let's try this again

2009-08-15T22:35:00.014-05:00

Over the last few months, I've made a startling discovery about myself. There's the very real possibility that I may be lazier than even I had thought. I might be lazier than I thought was humanly possible. The reason I gave myself, (whenever I asked myself), for stopping posting to this blog was that "I'm just way too busy to write a blog. I've just got too much going on to take the time to write every day."

But as I started examining my day to day activities, I made the aforementioned startingly discovery. While I certainly had a lot that needed to get done, I very rarely actually did any of those things. If I had actually done, or even attempted to do, any of the many things that I needed to do, then yes, I would have been very busy.

As those of you who have spent, i.e...wasted, any of your time reading this blog in the past can attest to, I am a self-confessed very lazy person. I haven't seen any official ratings, but I very well could be the laziest person. I'm certainly in the top 10.

I recently heard someone actually say the following:

"I just can't sit still and do nothing. That would just drive me crazy!"

As this person said these words, I became very confused. I recognized the words as being English, and I knew what each individual word meant. But as they were constructed into sentences, they just didn't make any sense to me. I've spent the greater part of my life striving towards "sit still and doing nothing". Call it a dream if you will. The fact that I have so much that needs to get done, yet I spend an amazingly large percentage of my time avoiding actually doing anything, only serves to amplify my laziness.

You see, there are two schools of thought on laziness. First, there is the person who doesn't really have anything to do, and doesn't invest any time in actually looking for something to do. Let's call this person the Entry Level Lazy Person. It's a good place to start, but it takes no real self discipline to achieve. Basically, you have nothing to do, and you spend most of your time not doing it. Pretty easy.

Existing on a whole other level, is the Advanced Lazy Person. This is the category that I surprisingly find myself in. This is the person, that while they have a lot that needs to be done, they have the self discipline to force themselves not to do it. They have the drive to remain sitting in their big leather man-chair and do nothing, all the while, any number of task remain to be completed. They have the internal fortitude to ignore the guilt of letting deadlines pass, and still continue to watch TV. It's pretty damned heroic if you think about it.

I tell you this because I've been getting the itch to start posting to this blog again. As a card carrying Advanced Lazy Person, I find this extremely annoying. I've been perfectly content over the last several months, to sit around and do nothing, (aside from riding my bike every chance I get), and now I've got this nagging urge to get up and go do something. Personally, I view this as some sort of failure on my part. I've resisted the urge to actually accomplish something for so long, and now I just have to get up and get something done. It's like the last few months of doing nothing have been wasted.

So here's the deal. Since I'm still clinging to the idea that I'm just too busy to post to this blog everyday, (self delusion can really be a very handy thing), I'm going to make this a weekly column. I will post to this blog once a week, probably on Saturday evenings. If I happened to stumble across something that I just have to write about before the weekend, then I'll post a Nearly Famous Fred Special Edition. Even I, being as lazy as I am, should be able to come up with something, (hopefully something entertaining, but I make no guarantees), just once a week. We'll see how that goes.

OK, I've been typing for almost 15 consecutive minutes now. I should probably go take a nap.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I do not like surprises

2009-04-01T18:44:00.008-05:00

Sorry for my recent disappearing act from this blog. It seems that between work, spring break with my family, and yes, getting the course ready for Tour Dallas, I haven't had a lot of time for blogging. And this may come as a bit of a surprise, but given that it is nearly impossible to make a mortgage payment by writing a free blog, I do have to give work priority. If anyone has an idea of how I can make a living writing this blog, I'm all ears.

But things have settled down just enough that I'm able to resume my blogging responsibilities.

A quick review. The last time we spoke 3 weeks ago, we were discussing the ongoing preparations of the route for Tour Dallas. A lot has happened since then. We had a big meeting with the Dallas Police Department, along with people from Dallas City Hall where the ride will be starting. Maybe it's just me, but it always makes me nervous to go down to police headquarters. Don't get me wrong. I'm a fairly law abiding citizen, but I'm always afraid that something I did 20 years ago, that I have since completely forgotten about, will come back to bite me.

We've used the same basic route for Tour Dallas for the last 4 or 5 years, so you would think that getting things ready would be a pretty simple matter by now. You'd think that, wouldn't you. Well, you'd be wrong. It seems that every year, there are a few thinks that come up that cause me, Nearly Famous Fred - Route Coordinator, headaches. This year would be no exception.

This past Sunday I, along with my friend, cycling buddy, and all around good egg, Cliff DeWitt, went out and rode the Tour Dallas route. Along with Cliff and myself, we also road with a new friend of Cliff's named Brian. We try and do this pre-event ride every year, just to make sure that there are no surprises on the route that we weren't previously aware of. Well guess what, we encountered a couple of surprises.

Headache Causing Surprise # 1 - While riding the route, we discovered a previously undisclosed spot of construction on the route. While this was a very small bit of construction, it had to be dealt with. Apparently, as they are want to do sometimes, the City of Dallas had to dig a hole in one of the roads we are using for the ride. The hole is now covered with a very large piece of steel plate, but the transition over this steel plate is very rough. After confirming with the city that this hole and steel plate are still going to be in place next Saturday, we made arrangements to have the plate coned off.

To any Tour Dallas riders who might be reading this blog: I did not dig this hole in the road. I did not place the large piece of steel plate on top of the hole. I did not make the transition over the steel plate so rough. It is not my fault that it is there, and there is exactly nothing that I can do about it, but to cone off the hole and the steel plate. If you stay out of the coned off area, you will be just fine. You have been warned.

Headache Causing Surprise # 2 - Last year, part of the route was under construction, so we had to alter the course to avoid this section. This year, the construction is complete, so we went back to the original route. Now again, you'd think that a brand new section of road would be the last part of the course that you'd have to be concerned about regarding the condition of the road surface. Well once again, you'd be wrong. When we came to this section of the course on our Sunday pre-ride, imagine our surprise when we encountered several one inch wide seams between the sections of poured concrete. Just wide enough for a bicycle tire to slip into and cause all sorts of mayhem and destruction as 4000 riders go by. This was a little more serious than the hole and steel plate that we encountered earlier in the ride. Phone calls were placed, names were called, insults were traded. After looking at the section of road with the Dallas Police, it was determined that if we coned off the right hand lane of this part of the course, we could avoid these evil road seams.

Again, to any Tour Dallas riders: I had literally nothing to do with the construction of this section of road. I did not make the seams so wide. If you stay out of the coned off sections, you just might live long enough to finish the ride.

Headache Causing Surprise # 3 - As we approached downtown Dallas, we round a corner and what do we see. The road that we are currently riding on, the same road that the cyclist are supposed to ride on in six days, is completely shut down and blocked with barricades and cones. There are cranes in the road, (the construction equipment type of crane, not the bird type), along with all other sorts of heavy machinery. I immediately suspect that this could be a problem if this is still here next Saturday, considering that 4000 cyclist are supposed to ride their bikes down this road. I'm smart that way. I didn't get to be a Route Coordinator based on my smile and my charming personality.

After we complete our ride, in a panic I notify Bikin Mike of this situation, and how, I my opinion, it would be unsafe for our 4000 riders to ride through this construction zone, what with the constant threat of large pieces of construction material being dropped on the riders from great heights. Mike agrees that this could be a problem. And so more phone calls are placed, more names are called, and more insults are traded. It turns out that this is a temporary construction site and it should all be gone by next Saturday. Piece and tranquility reined over the land once again.

These are the types of problems that present themselves every year. There is always something to be dealt with, even on a route that hasn't changed in 5 years.

So, we've got our course finalized. I've prepared all of the signs. I've prioritized all of the corners on the route, so that the most important corners are the first to get a route volunteer. We basically have only two things to do; paint the arrows on the pavement, and train the volunteers. In tomorrow's post, we review our day painting arrows. It was a good day, no one died.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I see "people". They're everywhere.

2009-03-09T20:13:00.004-05:00

Before we continue on with our educational series on what goes into getting a course ready for a bike ride, I thought I'd a take a minute and answer a question that was posted by one of my readers.

After reading my last post regarding the Eternal Struggle of all Route Coordinators, that is, not getting enough volunteers from the Volunteer Coordinator to do everything that I would like to do on the route, Joe Biker writes:

Just curious.....
couldn't you recruit some help and bring them in on your own for your department without having to go through a volunteer coordinator?

An excellent question. But there are a couple of basic flaws in Joe's thinking here. First of all, he assumes that I have the motivation and/or the people skills to go out and recruit people of my own. That would be an incorrect assumption. Most people who know me will tell you that I am an extremely lazy person. To think that I could get motivated enough to go out and recruit route volunteers on my own, would not only be incorrect, but also fool hearty.

And to be honest with you, (and I hope we can be honest with each other), even if I did go out to recruit my own volunteers, I certainly don't have the people skills to talk anyone into doing anything. Why do you think I became a Software Developer? Well, I'll tell you why. So I wouldn't have to deal with "people". Little did I know that I would wind up spending a great deal of my time sitting in meetings with "people", listening to them try and tell me what they want the software to do. Now, that might have turned out to be a bad choice on my part, but you see the basis of my decision.

I am basically becoming a recluse and a hermit. And whats more, I like it. Generally, I try and avoid "people" at all cost. It's nothing personal against any one person in particular, but just people in general. Present company excluded.

Think about the job of a Route Coordinator. Of all of the jobs involved in putting on a bike ride, Route Coordinator is probably the one that involves the least amount of contact with "people". The vast majority of my time is spent with maps, and getting signs ready, and for the most part, not dealing with "people". True, on the day of the ride, I actually have to meet with the "people" and give them their instructions for the day. But then, I send them out on the route, and I don't have to see them again for 5 or 6 hours. Once I do see them again, I just collect my sign and send them home. Of the dozens of hours I spend each year getting the course ready for Tour Dallas, I might spend a grand total of about 7 hours in direct contact with "people".

To think that I would actually go and seek "people" out, is a very misguided assumption.

So Joe, to answer your question, while it might be a viable alternative for others to go out and find their own volunteers, for me, it's just easier to whine, complain, threaten, and beg for volunteers from the Volunteer Coordinator. Never let it be said that I didn't take the path of least resistance. And quite frankly, the Route Volunteer would probably prefer that I have as little actual contact with the volunteers as possible.

By the way, if you'd like to have your question answered by me, Nearly Famous Fred, please don't hesitate to leave a comment. I can't promise that you'll like the answer that you get, or that the answer will make any sense to anyone but me, but I will answer.

Next post, we get back to discussing our preparations for Tour Dallas. We look at the delicate relationship between the bike ride producers and the local law enforcement.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Tour Coordinator's eternal struggle

2009-03-06T21:17:00.004-06:00

While Route Coordinator may be the "glamour" position of your typical bike ride, a bike ride is nothing without it's volunteers. And if there's one undeniable truth when it comes to bike ride volunteers, it's that there's never enough to go around.

Tour Dallas presents special problems when it comes to the route and the route volunteers.

Placing the route signs around the course, even one day ahead of time, would be a complete waste of time. Those signs tend to wander off by the next day. Also, the city of Dallas sign ordinance makes it illegal. So not wanting to upset the local law enforcement, we actually to not "place" any signs on the route. Any signs that we use for Tour Dallas are held by a route volunteer.

We do paint arrows on the pavement for Tour Dallas, but even that is problematic. It seems that there are some residence who live in the White Rock Lake area, that don't appreciate the subtle beauty of a properly painted route arrow on their local streets. These same residence are apparently not shy about calling their Dallas City Council representatives about said arrows. They either call their representative, or given that many of those same representatives are their neighbors around the lake, they just walk over and talk to them about the arrows. One thing has lead to the other, and suffice it to say, we do not paint any arrows around the lake. Given that we cannot place signs on the route, (see the previous paragraph), this means that every turn around the lake has to have a volunteer at it. (I'm getting a headache just writing about this.)

There are 75 turns that the riders must successfully negotiate, to get around the Tour Dallas course. That means that there are 75 corners were I would like to have a Route Volunteer. The words "like to have" are the important words in that sentence. I know going in that there is no way I am going to get 75 route volunteers. If memory serves correctly, I think the most route volunteers that I have ever had to send out on the route is about 30. This brings me to the most important skill that a Route Coordinator can posses. That would be the ability to lie, cheat, steal, and/or intimidate the Volunteer Coordinator into giving you as many Route Volunteers as can be squeezed out of her.

The Volunteer Coordinator is the person responsible for recruiting the volunteers, and assigning them to the particular parts of the ride. Some of the volunteers will work the break points. Some will work at the start/finish area. Still others will work at rider registration. But the extra-special volunteers will be given the glory of working on the route. Those who are deemed worthy, will be sent to me, to be assigned a place of honor out on the route, assisting our valiant riders around the course. The difficulties arise between the Volunteer Coordinator and the Route Coordinator, over just how many volunteers should be deemed worthy.

My argument, which so far has been somewhat ineffective, is that it doesn't make a lot of sense to have volunteers working the finish area, if all of the riders get lost out on the route and don't make it to the finish. Same argument goes for the break points. What good are break point volunteers, if everybody is wandering aimlessly around downtown Dallas on their bicycles, and no one makes it to the break points.

I'm 6'3" tall, 195 lbs. The Volunteer Coordinator for Tour Dallas might be 5'6". Can someone please explain to me what kind of topsy-turvey world we live in, when I can't intimidate her into giving me all the route volunteers I want? It's just not fair.

It may surprise you to know, that a certain percentage of the route volunteers that we use for Tour Dallas are Community Service volunteers. Those would be people, who have been assigned by the courts to serve a particular number of hours doing community service work. Truth is, those are some of the most dependable, hardworking volunteers that we have. The only problem with these particular volunteers, is that we are forbidden to ask them what they did to get assigned to community service. I myself, have a real problem with this. It takes every ounce of self control I can muster, to keep from blurting out, "So what did you do?". I doubt we have any spies, or gangsters, or anything else cool like that working among us. But that doesn't keep me from wondering.

Aside from the community service volunteers, the majority of our volunteers are just people who enjoy serving, and enjoy being out and around other people. Being somewhat of a recluse in training myself, I really don't understand this point of view. I may admire it, I just don't understand it.

So the next bike ride you go to, try and take notice of those brave Route Volunteers standing by the side of the road. For they are the cream of the bike ride volunteer crop. While theirs may be a glorious task, it is not overflowing with rewards. The quick "thanks" that you shout as you ride by, may be the only reward they get that day.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Route Map, the most valuable thing 80% of you will never look at

2009-03-04T20:04:00.006-06:00

Tonight, we continue to look at what goes into producing a bike rally. In particular, we look at the lonely, much under appreciated, but extremely important job of the Route Coordinator. Specifically for this post, we focus on the route map.

(A quick aside here. If my posting tonight seems a little distracted, it's because my son is working on his homework on the house computer. This forces me to work off of my laptop in the living room. Unfortunately for me, my wife is watching American Idol in the living room, and no matter how much I beg and plead, she won't turn it off. If I'm forced to endure much more of this show, I'll probably grow breast.)

Back to our discussion of the route map. As I type the words "route map", I can sense a lot of you out there scratching your head, with no idea what I'm talking about. The route map is one of those pieces of paper that you get in your ride goody bag, that you never read, and simply throw away, after you've removed the power bar and the tube patch kit that you'll never use. While I certainly agree that 90% of the stuff you get in the average goody bag can be immediately thrown away, the route map is one that you might want to consider holding on to.

If you are one of that 20% minority who have actually looked at a route map before, you're probably used to looking at something like the following. This is the Rider Route Map for last year's Collin Classic:

Very pretty, isn't it. All of the different routes clearly marked, with no clutter to confuse the riders. Now her is my Route Coordinator map of that same ride:

Notice all of the little dots and icons and arrows that appear on my map. Everyone of those dots represents a route volunteer, or a police officer, or a sign, or a break point. Actually, as Route Coordinator Maps go, this one is actually fairly simple. Here's the Route Coordinator map for the very urban Tour Dallas ride:

Impressive, isn't it? The reason I wanted all of you to see my version of the maps, wasn't to impress you, although I can tell you're extremely impressed, but to show you what goes in to getting a course ready for a bike ride. Every icon on that map has to be planned for. Preparations have to be made. Volunteers have to be recruited and trained on what they will need to do. Signs have to be printed and paid for. Police officers have to be assigned a location on the route, and yes, paid for. Time and a half overtime by the way, to be exact. (Tour Dallas will have 188 police officers on the route this year. Everyone of them earning time and a half to help keep the riders safe. You're welcome.)

So the next time you show up at a local bike ride and pickup your goody bag, instead of just throwing the route map away, go ahead and slip it into your jersey pocket. If for no other reason, just to remind you of what went into getting the course ready for you. Oh, it might also keep you from getting lost.

Next post: Route Volunteers, worth their weight in gold.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

We start down a long, dark road

2009-03-02T21:03:00.004-06:00

As promised, today I would like to introduce all of you to the wonderful world of bike ride production. Hopefully, by the end of our little magical journey, you'll have a better appreciation as to what goes on in the weeks, and yes, even the months leading up to that morning when you show up at your local Saturday morning bike rally, pay your $25 to $40 dollars, collect your goody bag, and go for a ride.

As I have mentioned before, I work with Bikin' Mike Keel, (in Texas, we don't pronounce or spell trailing g's on words), here in the greater Dallas/Ft Worth metroplex, where he produces several bike rally's in the area. My official title, (actually, as an unpaid volunteer, I'm not sure how official it is), is Route Coordinator. Once again, I capitalize Route and Coordinator to add importance. Impressive, isn't it?

So what exactly does a Route Coordinator do? Excellent question. My duties as Route Coordinator include, but are not limited to:

* Getting the course ready for the ride. This means that I am the guy, who goes out in the days before the ride, and paints the arrows on the pavement that direct the riders around the course. If there's anything I've learned from the years I've been painting arrows on our rural Texas roads, is that if there's a way for a rider to get lost, they'll get lost.

* I'm also the guy who places the the route signs, or "signage" as we call it in the business, out on the route. This means that I have to be familiar with every twist and turn on the route, and make sure that we have a sign to go at every corner. The timing of the actual placing of the route signs out on the course gets a little tricky. It seems that if you place the signs out on the course too early, they tend to get bored and wander off. Some teenager here in the McKinney area, has a very nice collection of Collin Classic signs in his bedroom. So typically, we don't place the route signs out on the course until the day before the ride.

* One of the more stressful duties that I have is the coordination of the route volunteers that go out on the course and stand at the corners, making sure that you don't get lost. Why would this be stressful, you ask? Another excellent question. Quite simply, there are never enough volunteers to meet the needs of the Route Coordinator. There are never enough volunteers to cover all of the corners that I would like to have a volunteer at. Never. Never ever. There just isn't, ever. Also adding to the stress, is the one universal truth when it comes to bike rally volunteers; "If someone is not required to be somewhere, they tend not to be there." We always have a certain percentage of people, who no matter how many times they say there going to be there, don't show up. Not that I'm unsympathetic. Things come up sometimes. A child gets sick. Work calls and you have to go into the office. There's a really kick @ss rerun of Speed Racer on. All of these are what I would consider to be valid reason's for not making it to the ride.

So with these duties in mind, let me get you up to speed on my preparations for Tour Dallas. With the ride being on April 4th this year, we're about a month out from ride day. I received the route signs from Bikin Mike this past Saturday, so I now have 4, very large boxes of signs, occupying valuable space in my garage.

Just yesterday, we finalized the route for this year. But, aha, you might ask, "Fred, given that this is the 5th or 6th year of the Tour Dallas, wouldn't this year's route be the same as last year's route?" Once again, another great question. Well this year, we are moving the start of the ride from the American Airlines Center, (AAC), to Dallas City Hall Plaza. Wanting to leave our business relationship with the AAC on good terms, I won't go into too much detail on why we're moving the start, but suffice it to say, the good folks operating the AAC don't seem to be a terribly motivated group of people.

(The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not reflect the views or opinions of Bikin' Mike Keel, or anyone else involved with the production of Tour Dallas).

This, along with the fact that there is always road construction in Dallas, require subtle changes to the route each year. I have to document all of these subtle course changes, make sure that I have signs to accommodate the change, and when necessary, make sure I have a route sign to go on any new corners.

In my next post, we will discuss the much under appreciated skill of route map making. You'll learn how to spend hour after hour working on a map, that 90% of the people you give it to will never look at.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Giddy with anticipation

2009-02-25T20:34:00.007-06:00

Now that we're through the Tour of California, a quiver of anticipation is beginning to grow in me. I've been in the spin studio for 4 month's now, and as nice a place as it is, I pretty much have all the posters memorized. I really need to get outside and ride my bike.

Aside from the fact that I'm starting to go stir crazy from spinning in place for 4 months, I know it's getting close to the beginning of the outdoor season, because preparations for Tour Dallas are beginning to ramp up. For those of you who aren't from the D/FW area, and aren't familiar with Tour Dallas, allow me to elaborate.

For the last 5 years, (at least I think it's been five years, maybe six), Bikin Mike has produced the Tour Dallas, an "Urban Cycling Adventure" as he likes to call it. I'm sure there are many New York City cyclist who would laugh at this being called an "urban" bike ride, but for around here, it's an urban ride. The ride starts at the Dallas City Hall Plaza, makes it's way through downtown Dallas, out around White Rock Lake, and back to City Hall. If you're interested, you can get the details at the Tour Dallas website .

There are several striking differences between Tour Dallas and your typical bike ride. First, the longest route is only 30 miles. For a lot of us, 30 miles is a warm up ride. (Notice how I subtly include myself in that group.) So this is not a ride where you're going to give you're endurance a real test. To make up for the shortness of the ride, many of the more hardcore cyclist try to make up for it with speed. Which brings me to my next difference.

This is not a ride where you're going to be able to attempt a personal best time for 30 miles, for a couple of reasons. Given that we're on urban Dallas streets, there are lots of twist and turns. Definitely not the kind of course where you're going to be able to go flat out for miles at a time. The other reason this ride doesn't lend itself to individual time trials, is the police presence. As route coordinator, I usually ride in the lead police car, leading the riders out on the route. The officer that I have ridden with the last several years, usually keeps his speed to about 17 or 18 mph, and he's not shy at all about getting on his P/A, and making sure the riders stay behind his car.

On a personal note, let me just say this; riding in the front seat of a police car is a much more enjoyable experience than riding in the back seat. The front seat hardly smells like urine and vomit at all. It's also a lot more fun in a police car when the handcuffs aren't cutting off your circulation, and the pepper spray isn't causing your eyes to burn. But that's a story for another post.

Next. How do I politely say this? The road surfaces within the Dallas city limits aren't quite up to the same high standard that you're probably used to riding on. OK, truth be told, the roads suck. Now I'm sure that they don't suck any more than the roads in any other major city, but the fact remains, compared to the roads that we're used to riding through the countryside on, they do suck. After last year's ride, a cyclist came up to me, obviously upset, to complain about the roads. This makes perfect sense, since as the route coordinator, all of the potholes on Dallas city streets are my fault. He actually said that we should mark every pothole on the route with paint. Once I stopped laughing in his face, I explained to him that there isn't enough paint in Dallas County to mark every pothole on the route. Then, letting the smart @ss in me get the best of me, I asked him if his Mommy goes out and marks the potholes for him when he goes out on training ride. He didn't see the humor in that, but I though it was pretty funny.

So, given all of the issues and problems that I've so carefully documented here, (Mike, you can thank me later), why would I, the hard core hammer-head cyclist, want to ride in Tour Dallas. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure that you would. And I think that's probably OK with Bikin Mike.

For you see, Tour Dallas was not designed for the hard core hammer- head cyclist like yourself. This ride was designed for the casual cyclist. The family of cyclist. This is a ride designed to get those people who are new to cycling to come out and ride. Every year, I have cyclist come up to me after the ride, and tell me how they were always too intimidated to come out and ride in a rally. But that they had an absolutely fantastic time at Tour Dallas. Those are the exact type of cyclist that this ride was designed to attract.

So am I saying that you, the hard core hammer-head cyclist is not wanted or welcome at Tour Dallas. No, of course your welcome! Provided that you can behave yourself. Provided that you can accept the ride for what it is. Or better yet, what it is not. It is not a race. For all of the reasons that I outlined above, be prepared to ride at a nice casual pace. You are not going to be able to fly around this course at 25 mph. You are also not going to find the nice, glassy smooth asphalt that you'll find out in the countryside. You're going to have to pay attention to the road. Your also going to have to pay attention to the other cyclist. Last year, we had over 3,000 cyclist on the ride. You won't be able to just put you're head down and pedal. As disappointing as it might be, you're going to actually have to pay attention to the others around you. You might even have to be considerate of the other riders and motorist. It's a bummer I know, but deal with it.

If you, the hard core hammer-head cyclist can ride under these unforgiving conditions, then please, by all means, come out and join us on April 4th, in downtown Dallas. If you can't, no offense, but it would probably be just as well if you stayed away.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S...I have mentioned before that I am the Route Coordinator for Tour Dallas, (Route Coordinator is capitalised to add importance). Over the next few weeks, I'm going to take all of you through the process of getting a route ready for a bike ride. Hopefully, when you attend your next bike rally, you'll have a new appreciation for what goes into producing a bike ride. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get off my back. It's not my fault you got lost. NFF.

An exercise in a forgone conclusion

2009-02-23T21:09:00.004-06:00

I must admit that despite my previous statements that most of the cycling you see on TV is somewhat boring, the last few stages of this year's Tour of California were a little more exciting than I thought they would be. But just a little more. Wrapping up my series, what follows are my observations and musings of Stages 6, 7, and 8 of the ToC. Brace yourself.

Stage 6, The Race of Truth
* Both Tyler Hamilton and Fast Freddie Rodriguez have mechanical issues with their bikes during the time trail. Rock Racing immediately issues their "Our TT bikes suck, not like those kick @ss TT bikes that Astana rides" Special Edition team kits. Now available for the low, low cost of your first born child, or your immortal soul.

* Speaking of technical issues, did there seem to be a lot of technical problems with the Tour itself? It seemed that the team directors were constantly gripping about the inaccurate info on race radio. And this might have slipped by a lot of you, but they seemed to have problems getting pictures of the actual racing if it even thought about raining. My favorite moment came during the time trial when they posted a split time for Michael Rodgers, a full 2 minutes before he reached the split.

* If you're an opposing cyclist, and you're whole strategy depends on making up time on Levi in a time trial, you might as well pack up and head home. It ain't gonna happen.

Stage 7
* While it's nice to see another mountain, with a 9 mile descent and 5 finishing circuits in town before the finish, it would appear that we're in store for another bunch sprint. Would it just kill them to finish on a mountain top just once? Heaven help us if they held a mountain stage that might actually impact the overall GC ranking.

* Is there anybody who knows even just a little about pro cycling, who doesn't think that George Hincapie is a really nice guy. Love his cycling clothing line too. Team Bikin' jerseys are Hincapie. Plus, he married a hot podium girl. So he's got that going for him.....which is nice. (That would be a line from the funniest movie of all time, Caddyshack.)

* There seems to be a greater variety of knuckleheads dressed up in costumes on the side of the road at the Tour of California, than you traditionally see in a European stage race. Once again, USA #1. No offense to my European readers. (Don't laugh, I actually do have European readers.)

* It would seem that George Hincapie was awarded the Most Courageous Rider jersey by the media, after yesterday's time trail. How exactly does one determine a "Most Courageous" rider after a time trail? Did the media have some sort of inside info that George was the only one really trying yesterday? Did he have to fight off some road bandits during the stage?

* Versus just did a story about Team Type 1, the team made up of diabetic riders. I had the pleasure of meeting one of the team's founders, and riders, Phil Southerland, at a Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation bike ride in Whitefish Montana a couple of years ago. He's a very impressive young man. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak, I strongly recommend you do. I'm not diabetic, but despite my longstanding policy against buying and wearing pro jerseys, I might just have to suspend that rule and buy a Team Type 1 jersey.

* Well, just to show how much I know about pro cycling, apparently hell froze over today, because the breakaway survived to the end. (Just so you know, I could have erased that first observation from my Stage 7 comments before I published this post, and no one would have been the wiser. I should get some points for publishing my own dumb assertions.)

Stage 8
* I wonder if Phil and Paul find Craig as annoying as the rest of us do. They just have to.

* Apparently, I'm losing my mind. I could have sworn I just heard Craig Hummer say that he rode the climb up Palomar Mtn a month ago. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call B*ll Sh*t on that. Assuming that Craig Hummer could complete that climb, there's still snow on the ground now. How much snow must there have been on that mountain a month ago?

* Bob Roll interviews Lance again. Lance seems very relaxed these days. I would seem that cutting Cheryl Crow loose has lifted the weight of the world off of his shoulders.

* Just saw a couple of streakers on the side of the road. This, among so many other things, reconfirms the widely held belief that California is truly the land of fruits and nuts.

* Oscar "Baby Face" Selvilla was on a solo breakaway today. He might have survived if race officials hadn't made him stop, to see if he had a note from his mother excusing him from school today.

* I particularly enjoy watching fat guys, who normally couldn't run across my living room without having a heart attack, attempt to run along side the riders. These guys are cardiac incidents looking for a place to happen.

* Another certified nut sighting on the side of the road. This guy was wearing a pair of black bikini briefs, a black mask, a red cape, and a heart rate monitor. Why was he wearing a heart rate monitor??? I'm guessing that he's trying to pace himself for a long day of looking like an idiot. Don't want to expend all of your energy making an idiot of yourself in the morning, and not have any energy left to make an idiot of yourself that afternoon.

* Rock Racing finished 7th out of 16 teams in the Overall Team classification. They immediately issued their "We suck less than over half the teams in the Tour of California" Special Edition team kit. Price to you, one pound of uncut diamonds.

One final thought
Coming into this year's ToC, I didn't think much of Levi Leipheimer. Yes, I know he had won the two previous ToC's, but to me, he did it in a very boring, unglamorous manner. It seemed that he was content to just get whatever time he could out of the other GC contenders in the prologue and the time trial, then just hold on to their wheels during the regular stages. I don't ever remember seeing him go on the attack.

But after this year's Tour, I have a new found respect for Levi. Not only did he gain his time in the TT's as usual, but he actually went on the attack in stage 2. He actually rode off the front, and dared anyone to go with him. None of the GC contenders could. That's the mark of a true champion. Not only winning, but taking it to your opponents.

Given that Team Astana is probably going to ride for Lance during the Giro, and there probably going to ride for Alberto in the TdF, I for one, would love to see the entire team get behind Levi for the Vuelta. I'd love to see Levi on the top step of the podium at the end of a Grand Tour. Call me a bandwagon jumper if you must, but I'm officially a Levi fan now.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

2009-02-20T19:14:00.004-06:00

Continuing my series of post with my observations from the Tour of California, today we look at Stages 4 & 5. These two stages represent the best, and worst, in watching cycling on TV. We finally get to some real mountains, and we have to sit through a flat, boring stage.

Stage 4
* Holy Cow! It stopped raining!

* What is the stuff lining the sides of the roads that Phil and Paul keep referring to? Snow? Being from Texas, I'm somewhat unfamiliar with it.

* Phil just referred to the Rabobank team as "The Men of Orange". Oooooh, scary. That's a nickname sure to strike fear in the hearts of the other teams.

* Looking at the team kits, I have to say that when I first saw the new Team Highroad colors, I wasn't too impressed with them. But the longer I see them on the road, the more I like them. I think the fake 6-pack abs are a bit over the top, but other than that, there one of the best kits on the tour. Team BMC has to have the most boring kit ever. Black and white, with black and white lettering. They must have spent all of 10 minutes designing those.

* There's just something extremely odd about a bald cyclist. See Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner as examples. It's very disturbing to look through the vents on their helmets, and see a bald head staring back at you. I could be looking into the future, given my own follicle challenges. But when it happens to me, it will no longer be weird. It'll be hip, and if I say so myself, a tad dashing.

* Floyd Landis gave another interview. Surprisingly, he was downright pleasant. Almost made me feel sorry for him. I don't know if he doped or not. All things being equal, he probably did. But think about this, what if he didn't do it? Given that he spent every cent he had trying to clear his name, and all of the endorsements that he didn't get, how can you begin to measure what he has lost.

* Lance's TT bike has been recovered by police. On a completely unrelated topic, the time trial bike that I had for sale is now off the market. They can't prove anything.

* Major crash today. Apparently, having forgotten how to ride on dry pavement, Floyd Landis, Kim Kirchen, and Oscar Friere got tangled up. Their team directors have all filed official protest, saying that their teams may not be able to continue if these sunny and dry conditions continue.

* Is there anything cooler than dressing up in a cheap, idiotic costume, and running along the side of the road when the cyclist come by. I think not.

* That comedian that Versus has running around, Rasika Mathur, just sucks the lifeforce out of me. Every time she's on the TV, it takes 3 months off my life. She needs to go away, soon.

* Does anyone else find that "Flo" woman from the Progressive Insurance commercial, strangely hot. Me neither, I was just checking.

Stage 5
* Why is it that the cameras, without fail, never seem to miss the riders taking a "nature break" on the side of the road. It's always funny when they suddenly realize what they were broadcasting, and they quickly cut away to another shot.

* With today being a boring flat stage, I think Paul nodded of at one point. Craig Hummer asked him to explain, for the 10th time in 5 stages, what the cyclist in a paceline were doing. Paul's response was "They're just doing a bit of Bid & Bit.....", and just sort of trailed off. He either actually nodded off, or that explanation actually makes sense in Europe. In America, it seems to be utter gibberish.

* Bob Roll gets his head shaved on TV today! Excellent. We can all give The Fat Cyclist credit for this one. If you've been following his coverage of the ToC, and if you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do, you are no doubt aware that Fatty got Bob to agree to get his head shaved if they could raise $5,000.00 in donations to LiveStrong before the end of the Tour. Not only did they get it done before the end of the Tour, they got it done in 24 hours.

* To commemorate Bob shaving his head, Rock Racing has issued their "Bob Roll Rocks" Special Edition team kit. Cost to you, the Gross National Product of an average size Central American country.

* With about 40 miles to go in the stage, Phil just asked "Whats going on in the breakaway?" Given the excitement level of today's stage, "not a d*mn thing" would be the correct answer.

* Zzzzzzzzzz.....

*Zzzzzzzzzzz....

*Zzzzzzzzzzz....Huh? What? Sorry about that, I nodded of there for a few minutes, (really, I did). Well, lets see what I missed. Interesting, with 30 miles to go, a group of 6 is off the front by about 4 minutes. Gee, I wonder if they'll make it?

* Bob Roll seems to be getting better at doing these interviews. He should have shaved his head days ago.

* Mark Cavendish is a sprinting God! In the future, I would recommend that he crosses the finish line before he starts celebrating.

Tomorrow, the Solvang time trail, and the race of truth. Should be fun.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Horror continues...

2009-02-18T19:58:00.004-06:00

More inane observations from watching the Tour of California.

Stage 2
* What a shock, it's still raining.

* The peloton just crossed the Golden Gate Bridge. Rock Racing has issued their "Golden Gate Bridge Rocks" Special Edition kit. Yours for the low low cost of $85,000.00.

* Not only can you attract women with Enzyte, but apparently you can impress a bunch of old men at your local barber shop.

* OUCH is a really bad name for a cycling team. They might as well call in Broken Collar Bone Cycling.

* Someone may want to let the Cervelo Test Team know that there's a bicycle race going on here. Does "Test Team" mean that this is the team their trying out, to see if they want to sponsor a real team.

* I thought that only women hyphenated their last name. Ben Jacques-Maines??? I can only guess that he wanted to keep his maiden name.

* It just seems strange to see baby-faced Oscar Sevilla wearing the Rock Racing skull. Kind of like seeing the Johnas Brothers wearing Hell's Angel's jackets. I hear Oscar might have to start shaving any day now.

* Why do the motorcycle camera men, only seem to clean their lens when their camera is actually on.

* Lance has refused to take a musset bag in the feeding zones. Fearing a second attack, similar to the one he suffered in his last Tour de France, he has instead order delivery from Pizza Hut.

* Is it just me, or do a lot of these riders seem to be foreigners. Aren't there any Americans who want to race their bikes?

* As far as I'm concerned, there is no greater feat of coordination and dexterity, than watching a pro cyclist put on a cycling vest, or "cape" as Phil and Paul call them, while pedaling down the road. Most of us would either crash or strangle ourselves if we tried to do that.

* Levi attacks off the front of the peloton, and takes the overall race lead. Undeterred by the fact that he rides for Astana, Rock Racing issues their "Levi Rocks" Special Edition kit. Cost is 1 lbs of flesh, or all the equity that you have in your home, whichever is worth more.

* Towards the end of the stage, the sun actually comes out and shines on the race. The local fans, unfamiliar with this phenomenon, and fearing that it is a sign of the Apocalypse, immediately abandon their positions on the route and flee to their local churches. A state of emergency has been declared in California.

Stage 3
* Annnd, still raining.

* I never thought I'd say this, but Craig Hummer makes me miss Al Trautwig.

* While I'm sure that they cost several hundred dollars, Mark Cavendish's cycling glasses are the dorkiest things I've every seen. I work in the IT department at Southwest Airlines, surrounded by computer nerds wearing those exact same frames.

* It appears that a group of cyclist have come up with a new strategy for stage racing. This cutting edge strategy involves attacking right from the start of the stage, riding out front for the better part of 100 miles, and then getting caught within sight of the finish line. Team director's are scrambling to come up with a way to combat this never before seem style of racing.

* Levi crashes! While it first appeared that this was a failed attempt by Lance to kill Levi, after watching the reply, it now appears that Levi tried to kill himself. I theorize that Levi sucummed to the pressure of wearing the yellow jersey.

* I notice that Lance is still wearing his helmet visor. Given the weather, a scuba mask might be more helpful.

* Bob Roll should really consider thinking about the questions that he is going to ask during an interview ahead of time, instead of his present strategy of just coming up with something on the fly.

* Maybe it's my Junior High sense of humor, but I start giggling every time Phil says that the riders up front are "breaking the wind" for the riders behind them. (snicker, snicker).

* Tom Boonen has very odd looking ears. It appears that he was trying to turn them inside-out, and they got stuck.

* Paul Sherwin had the neatest way of describing Levi's crash, a crash that Levi just jumped up from and got back on his bike. He described it as "a crash without too much gravity". Very cool.

* This Enzyte really appears to be amazing stuff. Aside from the "male enhancement" benefits that it promises, if you take this stuff, apparently you'll also be able to:
Drive a race car.
Hit a golf ball 400 yards.
Compel women you barely know at the office Christmas party, to sit on your lap for an uncomfortably long time.

* Fransico Mancebo leads the KOM competition. Rock Racing issues their "Fransico Rocks" Special Edition kit. Yours free with the purchase of 1 pair of Rock Republic jeans, or trade for 1 solid gold bar, whichever is more.

* Cervelo Test Team must have been reading this blog. They finally made their way up to the front of the peleton. Just in time. They almost missed the entire race.

I'm off to watch stage 4. Finally, real mountains!

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Oh, the horror

2009-02-16T19:59:00.003-06:00

Hallelujah, there's finally cycling to watch on TV. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't love the 19 hours a day of bull riding coverage that Versus seems to carry, it's just that a change would be nice every once in a while. So today, I'd like to throw out a few observations that I made whilst watching coverage of the Tour of California.

Prologue
* A few more commercials would really be nice.

* I'm really glad that I tuned in early to catch the 2 full hours of "coverage". If you watched the preview show last weekend, you pretty much saw the first hour of the "live coverage".

* After an hour and fifteen minutes of "coverage", we actually get to see some cycling.

* My excitement over getting to watch actual cycling, is quickly tempered by the fact that it's a time trial. When I posted a few weeks ago that there was nothing more boring than watching a flat stage of a pro cycling race, I might have been mistaken. I had forgotten how mind numbingly boring an individual time trial can be to watch.

* I'm guessing that while Lance was spending the last couple of years training and riding is bike, Floyd Landis was busy spending every penny he had every earned trying to appeal his suspension and not riding his bike. Ivan Basso must have just spent the last couple of years eating pasta. While Lance came in at 10th, Basso and Landis came in 66th & 90th respectively.

* The more I watch Levi Leipheimer race, the more I like him. Did anyone else notice him in the start house? He was so geek'd up for the prologue, his eyes were about the size of silver dollars, and his arms were literally trembling.

* If you didn't stick around to watch the awards presentation, it seemed to be complete chaos up there on the podium. Govanator Schwarzenegger seemed to be just wandering around aimlessly, with no one telling him were to go or what to do. Finally, a podium girl grabbed him by the arm, and told him were to stand. Then, when the prologue winner Fabian Cancellara came out, he first went right up on the podium. The same podium girl, who had just finished manhandling the Governor, told him to get the hell down from there and stand in front of the podium. They then had some guy come out to put the yellow jersey on Cancellara, and he acted like his mother has been dressing him for the last 50 years. He seemed completely befuddled by how a zipper is supposed to work. Cancellara wound up putting the jersey on himself. I think Arnold was ready to declare the podium a state disaster area, and apply for federal funds.

Stage 1
* Apparently, Fabian Cancellara was so put off by having to put on his own yellow jersey the day before, that he decided to take his toys and go home.

* Can someone please explain to me how California got the reputation for having great weather. Apparently, it's 78 degrees and blue skies every day of the year, except for the week that they decide to have the ToC. The only thing missing was a plague of locust. And another thing. We can get pictures of Jupiter, millions of miles away in space, but we can't get pictures from California if it's raining. Ain't technology great.

* As much as I enjoy watching Bob Roll in the studio, he's absolutely a train wreck out with a microphone doing actual interviews. It's almost as if English wasn't his mother tongue. But as painful as Roll has been, he's still easier to listen too than trying to listen to Frankie Andreu ramble on with his coverage on the Tour of California live website. I though my ears were going to start bleeding today.

* I noticed during the interview that they did with Lance that he was wearing a visor on his helmet. Even the great Lance Armstrong can't pull this look off without looking like he just got off of the "short bus". Just say no to visors.

* That reminds me. I recently came into possession of some very nice Trek bicycles, complete with the Astana paint scheme, that I'm looking to sell. One is actually a tricked out time trial bike. Any interested parties should post a comment on this blog.

* Is it just me, or do those Enzyte commercials make anyone else uncomfortable. Apparently, by taking these "natural male enhancements", you'll be able to attract women by the truck load. But, based on the women they have in the commercials, no one that you'd actually want to sleep with.

* Landis speaks!!! Floyd Landis actually gave an interview. Unfortunately, he looked as uncomfortable answering the questions, as Bob Roll looked asking them.

* Just like last night, after watching an hour of commercials, we finally get live pictures of today's race. After watching Mancebo ride off the front by himself for 45 seconds, of course, we have to break for some more commercials.

* HD TV is the greatest invention of our time. I never noticed how many sun spots Phil Liggett has on his head.

* I almost want to tune into the bull riding that Versus has coming on after the stage is over, just to see if they pack in as many commercial there as they do into cycling. Almost.

* Fransesco Mancebo wins the stage. I think we can all look forward to a new kit from Rock Racing to commemorate the occasion. I'll need to check and see if I have $2500.00 laying around for a new jersey and bib.

As I write this, stage 2 is being recorded via the miracle of Tivo. You can look forward to more inane remarks like these in post to come.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

When all else fails, lower the standard.....Part 2

2009-02-12T19:59:00.006-06:00

As promised, today I'd like to have all of you take a little test on cycling and the rules of the road. As I stated in my previous post, I kind of felt like I had been a little rough on cyclist, just assuming that they were choosing to ride illegally. It could be that they just don't know that they are breaking the law. (Yea, right.) So the test below is not only designed to see how much cyclist do or do not know about the law and riding on the open roads, but it is designed to educate as well. Not only does this blog hopefully entertain, but it also provides a public service. (I just keep giving and giving.)

The following test is based on the laws here in Texas, but for the most part, they should apply to were ever you live as well.

Legal Disclaimer
I am not a lawyer. The following should not be taken as legal advise. If you get stopped by a police officer while out on your bike, I can almost guarantee that the excuse of "Nearly Famous Fred said it was OK", is going to be extremely legally ineffective. Frankly, I'd appreciate it if you kept my name out of it all together. I would strongly encourage you to follow this link, and read the laws as they are written.

Here we go.

1) How close must a bicyclist ride to the curb?
a) As close as humanly possible.
b) As close as the motorist tell them to. Normally that would mean riding in the ditch.
c) as close as is practical.

The correct answer is c), as close as is practical. Now "as practical" leaves a lot up for interpretation. Typically, if you ride in right tire path that has been worn into the pavement by the cars, you're probably OK.

2) True or False? Bicyclist are required to ride single file.
That would be false. You can ride two abreast. On any road. At any time. To a point. Before you get all excited, keep reading.

3) When is it legal to ride more than two abreast?
a) when I feel like it
b) when it's convenient for me to do so
c) always
d) never
e) none of the above
f) all of the above
g) some of the above
h) most of the above
i) almost most of the above
j) entirely nearly none of the above, either

The correct answer is: d) never. On an open road, it is never legal to ride more than 2 abreast. Ever. While it may be a lot of fun to go out and ride in a fake Tour de France peloton, and Lord knows that nobody appreciates more than I do how much it impresses the girls, understand that when you do so, you are breaking the law.

4) You are on a single lane road, (meaning only one lane in each direction), in a double pace line with a few of your cycling friends, when several cars come up behind you. What do you do?
a) pretend you don't see them
b) absolutely nothing. Sucks being a motorist today, doesn't it?
c) Start throwing your water bottles at them
d) single up, move to the right, and allow the cars to pass

If you answered anything but d), you should probably find another hobby. The law requires that you single up, move to the right, and allow the motorist to pass. Requires would be the critical word in that sentence.

5) You are on a multi lane road, (meaning more than one lane in each direction), in a double pace line with a few of your cycling friends, when several cars come up behind you. What do you do?
a) pretend you don't see them
b) absolutely nothing. Sucks being a motorist today, doesn't it?
c) Start throwing your water bottles at them
d) single up, move to the right, and allow the cars to pass

In this case, a), b), or d), would legally be correct. If you are on a multi lane road, the law says that bicycles are entitled to a lane, meaning that you do not have to single up and allow cars to pass. The law simply states that cyclist may "not impede the normal and reasonable flow of traffic on the roadway". I cannot see any circumstance where c) would ever be a good idea, much less legal.

6) When can you legally run a stop sign?
a) when you're absolutely sure that you can get away with it
b) last night's Mexican food has staged an open revolt in your lower intestinal track and you're five miles from the nearest convenience store. (I have personal experienced with this one. Actually, it was Korean food, but you get the idea)
c) always
d) never

Once again, the correct answer is: d) never. Yes, I know that it is a complete bummer to actually have to come to a stop when there is obviously no traffic coming. But guess what, unless you come to a complete stop, you are breaking the law.

So, how did you do? If you got 6 out of 6, then you probably are not one of the cyclist I was talking about in Wednesday's post. If you got 6 out of 6, and you are one of the cyclist that I was talking about on Wednesday, then shame on you. You're going to screw it up for all of us if you don't change your ways.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S...If anyone needs me tomorrow, here's my agenda for the day. All times are CST:

6:30am - Out of bed and off to spin class
8:00am - Bikin' Mike's spin studio for spin class
9:30am - 2nd spin class at Bikin' Mike's
11:00am - home and shower
11:30am to 4:00pm - a bunch of boring stuff that you're really not interested in
4:00pm to 6:00pm - Firmly planted in The Big Leather Man Chair, watching Tour of California coverage on Versus. Yea!!!

When all else fails, lower the standard.....Part 1

2009-02-11T20:09:00.008-06:00

Regarding how bicyclist ride on the road, I think I have made my stance very clear. I am one of the minority of cyclist who feel that, by the way they ride, most cyclist bring a majority of their problems on themselves. They talk about how dangerous motorist are out on the road, and how motorist just don't want cyclist out on the same roads that they drive on. Well, I've seen how a lot of these cyclist ride out on the road, and quite frankly, I don't want them riding on the same roads I ride on either.

So, coming from the state of mind that certain cyclist are making us all look bad, and are, in fact, either stupid, crazy, or both, I was quite disturbed by a recent column that I read by Bob Mionske. For those of you who aren't familiar with Bob's work, Bob wrote a bicycling and the law column for Velonews.com. He is in fact, a lawyer and a cyclist. He recently gave up that column to pursue other interest.

A quick aside here. As we are speaking of the law and lawyers, I'd like to take a moment to pass along my two favorite lawyer jokes.

Joke #1 - What do you do if you're trapped in a room with Adolph Hitler, Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, and a lawyer, you have a gun, but only two bullets? Answer, you shoot the lawyer twice.

Joke #2 - Did you hear that medical researchers are going to stop performing experiments on rats, and instead are going to start using lawyers? Turns out, there are just some things that a rat won't do.

Anyway, the article, (click here to read the article), said that a law has been proposed in Oregon that would allow cyclist to treat stop signs as yield signs. Basically, cyclist in Oregon would no longer be required to stop at stops signs, unless they needed to do so to yield the right of way to an approaching vehicle.

Apparently, there's already a law on the books in Idaho that allows for this. The Idaho law even goes one step further. In addition to the "red as yield" provision of the law that has been proposed in Oregon, Idaho also allows for “red as stop,” meaning that cyclists may treat red lights as stop signs. A cyclist in Idaho only has to stop for the red light, then they can go. They do not have to wait for the light to turn green.

I'm about to give my unabashed opinion of this law. To make it easier for my readers to tell when I am up on my soap box, or when I am just complaining, look for the following symbol:

Whenever you see this symbol, you can rest assured that I'm no longer just complaining, I'm now preaching. Can't help it, it's the Texan in me coming out.

I see some basic problems with these laws. Both in Oregon and Idaho.

First an foremost, it gives cyclist a different set of rules to follow than the motorist on the road are required to follow. Do the lawmakers in Oregon really think that this is going to make the motorist there feel any better about cyclist? When the motorist see the cyclist blowing through stop signs, it will only lead to resentment. I thought the whole idea was to share the road. One road, one set of rules.

Secondly, the lawmakers seem to be of the mind that if this law is passed, all of these cyclist who have been riding illegally, will all of a sudden become law abiding citizens. Does anyone actually believes that? The law in Oregon currently says that cyclist, like all motorist, have to stop at stops signs. A certain percentage of cyclist ignore that law, and blow through the stop signs. So if this law is passed, I guess the thinking is that these cyclist, who were perfectly OK with breaking the law before, will now start obeying the law. I think we all know that if these cyclist are no longer required to stop at the sign, they'll fly though it without even touching their brakes.

Laws like these are the equivalent of legislative "give up". Cyclist seem hell bent on riding illegally. It would seem that lawmakers, instead of making cyclist obey the law, have decided that it's just easier to make the illegal behavior of cyclist, legal.

I can't see where lowering the standard of acceptable behavior is ever a good idea.

In reading back over this post, I realized that I might have been a little harsh on cyclist. I just assumed that the cyclist I'm talking about here are arrogant, and just don't want to obey the law. When in fact, they might just be stupid, unaware that they are even breaking the law. In part 2 of this post, I'm going to issue a little test. I want to see just how much you know about the law and cycling, and how much you know about your responsibilities on the road. So hit those books.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

You're all just jealous

2009-02-09T19:57:00.012-06:00

In the "new super power" post that I wrote last week, I mentioned that one of the super powers that I would like to have, would be to be a fashion trend setter. To be that person who sets the standard for what others want to wear, is something that I think would be extremely cool. Those who know me may find this unusual, in that I am a person who has never been particularly interested in being on the fashion leading edge.

That lack of interest is reflected daily in what I wear to work. Working for Southwest Airlines as I do, we have an extreeemely casual dress code, even in our headquarters building were I work. During the warm months of the year, I wear a t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops to work every day. During the cool months, I wear a t-shirt, blue jeans, and Skeechers to work everyday. Aside from picking a t-shirt to wear on a given day, I typically don't invest hours putting together an outfit in the morning.

So, it's not that I want to wear anything different than what I do now, I just think everyone else should admire what I'm already wearing, and want to dress just like me. However, recent events have led me to believe that this goal, while admirable, may be just out of my reach.

During this time of the year, on Saturday mornings, I can be found getting up early and going to a 8:00am spin class at Bikin Mike's Spin Studio. As a spin class is not the sort of event that I feel a great need to get all dressed up for, I usually roll out of bed, put on a pair of cycling bib shorts and a t-shirt. As what little hair I have remaining is completely out of control this time of the morning, a hat is usually selected as well. In the past, my Skeechers or flip-flops are usually the last to go on. At 6:30am on a Saturday morning, I don't care what I look like. As I roll into spin class, that attitude shows.

Regarding footwear, I recently purchased my first pair of Crocs. For those who don't know what Crocs are, first of all crawl out from under whatever rock you've been hiding under. Crocs are basically a molded, soft plastic, slipper. They are extremely comfortable, and these days, extremely popular. As I were to find out, they're extremely popular everywhere but Bikin' Mike's Spin Studio.

For the past two Saturdays, I have been the subject of teasing and ridicule in the spin studio that would have brought a lesser man to tears, simply for wearing my very comfortable, and very fashionable Crocs. Below is a picture of my new red Crocs:

I included the tape measure in the photograph to give you a sense of the scale of these shoes. That's exactly twelve inches of measuring tape in the picture. At 6'3", 190 lbs, I am a big guy. Consequently, I wear a size 12 shoe. Not being completely blind to fashion coordination, I chose red to go with the black and red jerseys worn by Team Bikin.

Below is just a small sampling of the comments I heard at this past Saturday's spin class:

"When did the Circus get to town?"

"Wear did you park your little car, and were are the 14 friends that rode with you?"

"How often do you have to replace the batteries in those?"

"Was Trish with you when you bought those?"

Even Bikin Mike chimed in with his comment, "This is a serious spin class. No clowning around!"

I probably would have had to put up with a little less cr@p, if I had just worn swim fins to class.

To be completely honest, the entire outfit that I wore two Saturday's ago, probably didn't do anything to lessen the huge amount of ridicule that I was forced to endure.

Behold:

When she saw this outfit, my own wife offered up the comment, "What insane asylum did you wander off from?"

Now keep in mind, I'm not going to a wedding dressed like this. Personally, I think this is just a magnificent coordination. You of course have the striking red of the Crocs, set off by the contrast of the burnt orange University of Texas Longhorn sleep pants. You then throw in the blue and gray polyester hoodie. Completing the outfit, is the red knit cap, complete with the striking logo of the greatest soccer team in the history of the world, FC Bayern Munchen. This outfit just screams, "I like what I like, but I really don't know what I'm doing."

So, to those in spin class who felt the need to make fun of this outfit, and my snazzy new Crocs, I say cast not the first stone. This summer, we're all going to be riding outdoors again. Some of those same people are going to be looking for a wheel to draft off of. At 6'3", 190 lbs, I cut a nice hole through the wind. You're all going to sound extremely silly swearing an oath of admiration and loyalty to my red Crocs.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred.

It's official. I am a big Doofus.

2009-02-06T12:02:00.007-06:00

In keeping with my stated policy of preemptive self deprication, I have a true story that I've been meaning to write about. This story confirms the long held public and personal opinion that I am, indeed, a big Doofus. Please keep in mind that I am willingly telling this story about myself. I only hope that my story can help others.

Last fall, specifically, October 18th, I made the long drive from McKinney to Mineral Wells, TX, for a ride called the Kiwanas Crazy Kicker. I knew this was probably going to be the last outdoor rally of the year for me, before we moved indoors into the spin studio. As all of my cycling friends are bigger Weather Weenies than I am, I made the two hour drive and did the ride, all by myself.

Before I go any further into this, in order to truly appreciate the story, there's a couple of things that you need to understand. This July, I will be celebrating 20 years of happy marriage to Trish. Trish will be celebrating 14 years of happy marriage to me. As far as I'm concerned, 14 out of 20 is not a bad batting average.

To quote an old joke, "the day I got married, I lost all interest in women". That is to say, that Trish has been pretty firm in her "no dating" policy ever since we got married. Frankly, in my opinion, she's been downright unreasonable about it. There's just no talking to her about it. It's just one of those things that we've just agreed to disagree on. So, with Trish's heels firmly dug in on this, I've pretty much let my skills at getting girls to agree to go out with me diminish. Just seemed kind of unnecessary.

Please keep all of this in mind as I continue with my story. It will help explain some of my Doofusness.

The ride starts at 8:00am, and I'm doing the 100k course, again, by myself. I ride into the break point at about mile 40. This would be the 2nd to last break point before the finish. As I'm standing there by myself, eating a cookie and drinking my Gatorade, an attractive lady in her mid 30's ends up standing next to me, and she strikes up a conversation. As a middle aged cycling dork, happily married for the last 20 years, I really don't pay this too much mind. I'm polite, making the usual bike ride conversation. After I finish my cookie, I wish her good luck with the rest of the ride, and I hop back on my bike and head down the road.

Now that right there ought to tell you just how much my girl attracting skills have faded over the years. Twenty years ago, if an attractive woman would have paid any attention to me at all, she would have probably needed to get a restraining order taken out to get me to leave her alone. But here we are, twenty years later, and I don't give her a second thought.

I ride another 12 to 15 miles down the road and I come to the last break point. Again, I'm standing there, minding my own business, eating another cookie or a power bar, and who should ride into the break point a few minutes later, but the same girl who was talking to me at the previous break point. She gets off of her bike, gets herself something to eat, and walks straight over to me.

Now I start to think that there just might be something going on here. Exactly what is going on here, I have no idea. I do recall this sort of flirtatious ritual from somewhere in my past, but as to what I'm supposed to do or say next, I haven't got a clue. We again make the usual bike ride polite small talk.

"Good ride, isn't it?"

"Yea. Lots of hills."

"Yep."

"Yep."

As you can tell, without even trying, I was just sweeping her off her feet. This continues for a few minutes, and I nervously start inching my way towards my bike. All I want to do is get the hell out of there, finish the ride, drive home, and confess the whole tawdry thing to my wife. As I'm just about ready to get back on my bike, with my virtue still intact, she hands me a slip of paper with her phone number on it, and says, "you should call me sometime".

OK, now I know something is up. At this point, I'm nervous and pathetically scared. As I have my cycling gloves on, she can't see my wedding ring, which contains some sort of magical power that normally protects me from these types of situations. Confused and bewildered at this turn of events, I smoothly and suavely blurt out the only thing that comes to mind.

"You mean, like, for a date?"

You really had to be there to understand just how pathetic I looked when I said it. I had this confused look on my face, my head did the Cockier Spaniel tilt, and if I'm not mistaken, for some reason my voice actually cracked when I said it. I truly was the walking, talking, living example of doofusness.

To her credit, instead of just laughing in my face, which would have been a perfectly normal response to my question, she just smiled and said, "Yea, just like for a date." Now, I'm just literally seconds away from a full on panic attack. I'm actually giving serious consideration to just running off into the woods crying. To my credit, I don't.

Somehow, I manage to gather myself, and I calmly explained to her Trish's "no dating" policy. I even manage to sound gracious, telling her that it's not that I don't find her attractive, but if I were to pursue this, the last thing I would ever see would be Trish standing over me asking, "How do you reload this thing?".

She's obviously embarrassed and apologizes. I tell her not to worry about it, jump back on my bike, and finish the last 10 miles of the ride in record time. As promised, I race back to McKinney and confess the whole thing to Trish. She thought it was probably the funniest thing, if not the saddest thing, that she had ever heard.

So doofi of the world, (doofi being the plural of doofus), behold, for I am your leader.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Behold, my new super power...

2009-02-04T19:15:00.010-06:00

Sometimes, life surprises you in the most unexpected ways.

As a big time, famous writer of a free Internet cycling blog, I knew there would be certain benefits. The parties with rock stars. The world travel. Hanging out with professional athletes. Dating super models. And don't even get me started on the money. All of these were benefits that I certainly anticipated. But the other day, I discovered a bonus "super power" benefit of writing this blog.

As a writer of a cycling blog, I read a lot of other cycling blogs. When you sign up to write a blog, I believe that you are required to read as many other cycling blogs as you can squeeze into your day. I actually think it's a rule. So, during my hours and hours of reading other blogs, I have made an amazing discovery.

Apparently, without any sort of formal training or education in writing or literature, I am now qualified, ney obligated, to offer my opinions and critique of the work of other, actual real writers. I say this because I have noticed several other cycling blogs offering book reviews of real books, written by real writers.

This is amazing. I have taken no classes in writing. I have never published any sort of written work. I have never been paid to write a single word. The only thing that even remotely qualifies me to review an actual book, is that I know how to read. That puts me in the same category as approximately 200 million other people on the face of the earth. And yet, by signing up for a free blog site through Blogger, I apparently have been endowed with the super power to legitimately criticize the work of real, published writers. Since I write a free blog, it appears that my opinion now matters. I could sign my cat up for a free blog, have him walk on the keyboard for a few minutes, and his review would be just about as legitimate as mine.

While I don't understand why I now have this power, don't think for a second that I'm not going to take advantage of it. I do read just about every book on cycling that gets published. If you're now telling me that people are going to actually listen to what I have to say about those books, you're darn right I'm going to offer an opinion.

I bet all of those people who spent 4 years and thousands of dollars getting literary degrees, really feel like chumps now.

So while I was contemplating my new super power, and how I might abuse it for my own personal gain, I couldn't help but think about what other super powers I might now have. Here's my wish list:

1) Ninja powers. Besides offering a huge upside for personal gain, I happen to look great in black.

2) The power to be a fashion trend setter. If I have it my way, we'll all be wearing shorts and flip flops to work next week.

3) The ability to speak like the late, great, soul singer, Barry White. I'm not particularly interested in singing like Barry White, just talking like him. Think about it. How many times in a normal day do you get the opportunity to sing. If you just start signing during a normal conversation, people tend to think you're nuts.

4) Really good posture. I've always had really bad posture. But I can't see how I could use this to my advantage. It's kind of hard to get rich, based solely on good posture.

5) X-Ray vision. This goes back to my teenage years. All you men out there know what I'm talking about. Guys never really grow up.

I'm sure there are a lot of other super powers that I could wish for, but these are the ones that immediately come to mind. I'm a man of simple needs.

I'm currently about halfway through a cycling book right now. So you can look forward to a review in the near future.

Now, were do I pickup my mask and cape?

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I didn't die, which only added to my enjoyment of the ride

2009-02-02T15:16:00.007-06:00

Today I'd like to talk about the Super Bowl Sunday Ride that we did yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, every year on Super Bowl Sunday, cycling groups from all over the Dallas/Ft Worth area, ride to the area of downtown Dallas called the West End, have lunch, then ride home. For Team Bikin, this was about a 50 mile round trip ride. Now usually, a 50 mile ride isn't a lot to get excited about. But since this was the first time I've ridden outdoors in over 3 months, I was extremely excited about it. Some might say, I was down right giddy about it. Given to my Lutheran heritage and upbringing, I smiled myself downright silly.

For those of you who didn't get the humor in that last line, allow me to explain. If you aren't of Germanic heritage, or of Lutheran upbringing, the German people are typically very restrained, and not prone to outburst of emotion. So you wouldn't be bursting out in laughter. Therefore a big smile would be the most outward show of emotion that you would allow yourself. So when I say, "I smiled myself silly", I'm making fun of the reserved nature of the German people. While making fun of a particular ethnic heritage is somewhat frowned upon, as someone of German heritage, I feel that I get a free pass on this. So, now you get it don't you? When I explain it, it's extremely funny. It does tend to lose something if I have to explain it, but trust me, it's very funny.

As for the ride itself, it went pretty much as expected. As we started out from Plano, it was quite chilly, relatively speaking for Texas. I believe we were in the low 40's at our 9:30am start. For we Texans, that meant having on every piece of winter weather gear we had. We went straight into about a 15 mph headwind the entire trip to downtown Dallas. Traffic levels were quite low, given that it was 9:30am on Sunday morning. That would change on our return trip home.

Lunch was at Landry's downtown. It never ceases to amaze me how oddly people will look at you when you walk into a rather nice restaurant in full winter cycling gear. The way people stopped and gawked, you'd have thought I was from Mars. The looks only got more intense as one by one, the seven of us started stripping off the layers of clothing that we were wearing. There was a palpable excitement in the air as the patrons of the restaurant were trying to gauge just how far this impromptu striptease was going to go. And if I do say so myself, a bit of disappointment, when we all stopped just short of getting arrested.

Given the southerly winds, the ride home should have been much quicker than the the ride downtown. But, as these things always seem to do, the wind died down significantly for the return trip. It wasn't in our face, but I'm sorry, we had earned a much better tailwind than what we got. The other concern for the ride home was the fact that the amount of traffic had basically tripled from the morning ride. So, even though we didn't have nearly the tailwind that we were expecting, the added adrenaline that we had pumping through our veins probably made up for it. Never underestimate the fear of imminent death as a motivating factor.

As for me, I rode much better than I expected. Given my recent illness and brush with death, I was very pleased with my form. (My wife will tell you that I was never really in any danger of dying, but she always minimizes these sort of things. Again, trust me, I was gravely ill). I wasn't in middle of the summer, riding in the Hotter-n-Hell, type of form, but I did alright. I didn't get dropped, and I don't think I had any sort of cardiac incident, so it was a good ride.

You'll want to check back late Wednesday night or Thursday morning for my next post. In that post, I promise to reveal my newly discovered super power.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Sunshine on my face, makes me very happy

2009-01-30T21:12:00.003-06:00

I think I've made my feelings about spin class abundantly clear. Spin class is not what I would consider to be the most stimulating of activities. Despite the best efforts of Bikin Mike, there's only so much that he can do to make sitting on my bike, in the middle of the spin studio, pedaling like crazy, going nowhere, exciting.

It is for this reason that I am getting very excited about this Sunday. Besides being Super Bowl Sunday, it is also the day that Team Bikin gets together and holds our annual Super Bowl Sunday bike ride. Held, not surprisingly on Super Bowl Sunday, we all get together and ride from the spin studio in Plano, to downtown Dallas, to eat lunch, then ride back to Plano. It's about 50 miles round trip. More importantly, it's 50 miles, round trip, OUTSIDE.

Considering that I haven't been on my bike, outdoors, since the end of October, I may be wishing that I was back in the studio after about 15 or 20 miles. In the past, every time I go two or three consecutive days without riding my bike, I get a fear that the next time I get on my bike, I will basically have forgotten how to ride, and that I won't be able to ride 50 yards without hyperventilating. Logically, I know that this isn't going to happen. But that doesn't stop it from happening every time.

So, with this irrational fear buried deep within my subconscious, given that I was off of the bike for two full month's due to illness, my apprehension at riding 50 miles this weekend borders on panic. Never mind that 3 short month's ago, I rode 150 miles over two days, from McKinney to Paris, TX.

This Sunday's ride actually started a few years ago as a way for the restaurant's in the area we are riding to, called the Dallas West End, to boost their sales on Super Bowl Sunday. The restaurant mangers in this area, located not surprisingly in the west end of downtown Dallas, got together with one of the local bike clubs to encourage cyclist to ride downtown and eat lunch, and then ride home.

The only problem was that the idea worked too well. Riders from all over the DFW metroplex converged on downtown Dallas. For a few years, the West End was swamped with upwards of 1000 cyclist, all looking for somewhere to eat lunch. As these thing tend to do, the problem sorted itself out. As many cyclist got tired of waiting an hour for a table, the numbers have decreased to a more manageable size.

The good news for those of us riding from Plano is that, for once, the weather appears to be cooperating. Despite the ice storms that we had earlier in the week, the forecast for this Sunday calls for highs in the mid 60's. But more importantly, it calls for winds out of the South. That's extremely important when we are first riding from Plano, south to downtown Dallas. Then riding back North to Plano. That means that we'll have the tailwind to ride with after eating lunch.

After a big lunch, never underestimate the benefit of a good tailwind.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S...in an upcoming post, I comment on my recently discovered new super power.

Would it kill them to finish on a mountain?

2009-01-27T19:36:00.006-06:00

While watching coverage of the Tour Down Under last week, something happened that seems to be becoming more and more of a problem these days.

I fell asleep.

Now, there are those who would say that the fact that I'm not 17 anymore, could be causing this. The fact that I'm sitting in my recliner, (aka, the big leather man chair, get one if you can), might also be a contributing factor to this phenomenon. It is, quite possibly, the single most comfortable chair on the face of the earth. But I think that there is an underlying cause for my inability to remain awake while watching coverage of cycling. It pains me to say this, but say it I must.

For the most part, the average stage of a pro bicycle race is boring.

I'm sorry. I didn't enjoy saying that. I took no pleasure in saying that. But the fact that it's an unpleasant fact, doesn't make it any less of a fact. The typical stage of a pro cycling race is boring.

I'm sure that there are those of you out there, that as you read that statement, were so offended by it, that you are now literally cursing my name and moving your mouse to close down your Internet browser.

To those of you I say STOP. Believe me, no one loves cycling more than I do.

Actually, I have no proof that I love cycling more than everyone else, but try and prove me wrong. That's one of those claims, that no matter how outlandish it may sound, there is virtually no way to disprove it.

So what do I feel is causing pro cycling to be so boring? That would be the flat, boring, bunch sprint finish. Now that may seem like a ironic statement to make. A good bunch sprint finish is possibly the most exciting 30 seconds of any sport that you may ever see. No, it's not the actual finish that leads to people falling asleep in their chairs, but it's the 4 or 5 hours before that, of watching a peloton pedal along in one big group that acts as a natural anesthetic.

The typical stage of a pro bike race follows a fairly predictable formula. The race will start in a small European city. After a 5 or 10 k neutral start, the actual race begins. Right from the start, 4 or 5 guys will ride off like maniacs and establish a break of 5 to 10 minutes. And that's pretty much how the stage will proceed for the next 4 hours. Thanks to the miracle of GPS tracking and race radio, everyone in the race knows exactly how far ahead the breakaway is. They know exactly when they need to start reeling them in. And they know exactly how fast they need to ride to catch them before the finish. It's no great mystery why the breakaway always seems to get caught with about 1 to 3 k to go. Then, and only then do you get the thrilling 30 seconds of the sprint for the line.

So you're undoubtedly asking yourself, "Why, oh why, if they know that these stages bore Nearly Famous Fred into unconsciousness, do they insist on producing these types of stages?" Aside from a unexplainable unwillingness to satisfy the personal preferences of Nearly Famous Fred, the race producers actually do have a good economic reason for this.

The reason is quite simple; fans don't spend money on top of a mountain. Let me explain

It may come as a surprise to some of you out there, but a bicycle ride or race, is an expensive event to produce. Shocking, I know. Along with corporate sponsorships, the only way to make it financially possible, is to have the stage start and finish cities bear part of the financial cost. It may also come as a surprise to some of you, but the start and finish cities on a pro bike race, actually bid and pay to be part of the race. I have no idea how much they actually pay, but for our purposes here, let's suspend reality and say that I know what I'm talking about. So you can believe me when I tell you, it's a lot.

As most cities are not found at the very top of a mountain, it then stands to reason that most of the stages will end in the nice flat valleys where the cites actually are. If you need any more proof of my flat, boring stage theory. Look no further than these stage results from the Tour Down Under:

Stage 1 - the top 127 riders in the stage finished with the same time. That's 127 out of 133 riders that started the stage.

Stage 2 - the top 72 riders all finished within 13 seconds of the stage winner.

Stage 3 - the top 47 finishers all finished with the same time.

Stage 4 - the top 53 riders all finished with the same time.

Stage 5 - (The Big Mountain Stage), the top 38 riders all finished with the same time.

Stage 6 - the top 85 riders, of the 122 that started the stage, all finished with the same time.

If it weren't for sprint time bonus' and finish time bonus', it would be hard to determine the winner, because everyone would have the same time.

There's nothing I find more compelling than watching pro cyclist struggle up the road to the top of Mt Ventoux. But the fact is, there's no town on top of Mt Ventoux to pay to have the stage finish there. If you go out and look at the stages of the upcoming Tour of California, not one of the eight stages has a mountain top finish. I could be wrong, (imagine that), but in the history of the ToC, they have never had a mountain top finish. And unless someone discovers a town perched at the top of a mountain in California, I doubt they ever will.

So, unless I'm willing to give up The Big Leather Man Chair, (which I am not), I guess I"ll just have to be content to get in a daily nap whenever there's cycling coverage on TV. There are worse things.

Or, I could just go out and ride my bike.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

You know what bugs me about.....The Versus Network

2009-01-26T20:40:00.002-06:00

Today, we start a new and exciting feature here on the Nearly Famous Fred blog. At least I think it's going to be new and exciting. You very well could be bored to tears by it, but I think it's going to be fantastic.

As I have mentioned before, I am a born and bred Texan. And despite the popular opinion held of Texans across the rest of these, The United States, that being that Texan's are a shy, quite, and somewhat reserved people, I happen to be an anomaly here, in that I can be somewhat opinionated, and not terribly shy about expressing it. This is why I am so excited about this new feature on my blog. Whenever you see one of my post, in which the title begins with the phrase "You know what bugs me about.....", this is basically going to be me taking the opportunity to vent my frustrations and dissatisfaction for someone or something. I'll try not to sound to whiny (??) or petty. I say I'll try, but I make no promises.

In this, the first installment of "you know what bugs me about.....", we look at the Versus network.

First of all, I appreciate the fact that if Versus didn't broadcast coverage of pro cycling, there would literally be no place for cycling fans in the US to see any. That not withstanding, I just spent a week watching 30 minute highlight shows of the Tour Down Under. 30 minutes? Are you kidding me?? Is there so much going on in the world of fringe sports, that they couldn't spare a whole hour to recap a stage of a bike race that conservatively took the cyclist 4 to 5 hours to complete. I was watching the "coverage" of one of the stages and before they broke for commercial, there was about 90 k's to go to the finish. When they came back from commercial 3 minutes later, Paul Sherwin was talking about how the teams were lining up for the sprint finish.

Just to compare, let's see what Versus is showing tonight. In tonight's prime time schedule, Versus is offering the following:

7:00pm to 8:00pm --- "The Contender". This would be the mixed martial arts version of Survivor Island.

8:00pm to 10:00pm --- "The PBR Built Ford Tough Series". For those who don't know, that Professional Bull Riding. That's 2 hours of professional bull riding. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that there are that many people interested in watching bull riding, that it requires 2 hours of it to satisfy their desire.

10:00pm to 11:00pm --- "The Contender". This would be a rerun of the contender that they showed 3 hours earlier.

11:00pm to 1:00am --- "The PBR Built Ford Tough Series". That's right, they're rerunning the same 2 hours of bull riding that they showed at 8:00pm. Just in case anyone had to go to the bathroom and might have missed 3 minutes of the 2 hours of bull riding that they showed at 8:00pm, they're going to go ahead and rerun the entire 2 hours.

So, if I understand, (and I think I do), they condense a 4 to 5 hour stage of cycling down to 30 minutes, but they fill 4 hours of a six hour block of prime time programming, with the ratings grabber that is bull riding. And it's not even 4 hours of original bull riding programming. It's 2 hours of bull riding, and then a rerun of that 2 hours. Now, I do understand that this is "Professional" bull riding. I'd really be upset if this was amateur or collegiate bull riding.

The first 3 weeks of July are just about my favorite of the year. My time is pretty much budgeted as follows. I get to work at 8:00am. Via the miracle of the internet, I immediately bring up the Velonews.com website, and follow the text updates of the Tour de France online. Everyone in my office pretty much understands that they're not gong to get much, if any, actual work out of me during those 3 weeks, until after lunch. I then put in a solid 4 hour work day after lunch, and get home from work around 5:00pm. I then go on my evening bike ride until about 7:00pm. Once home, I shower, and start that evening's coverage of that day's TdF stage. Bed is usually around 10:30pm to 11:00pm.

That's pretty much how it goes every weekday for the first 3 weeks of July. My coworkers know this. My wife and son know this. Deviations from this schedule are not tolerated. I know that I have Versus to thank for this, and believe me, I am grateful.

But I remember that it wasn't that long ago, when Versus provided the same type of coverage for the Vuelta d'Espana, that they still offer for the TdF. But I'm guessing that due to the overwhelming demand for more bull riding coverage, the went to the daily 1 hour updates format. When they announced that they were dropping their expanded coverage of the Vd'E, they said that Versus wholeheartedly supported cycling, and would continue to support it in the future.

If they offer any more support like this, there won't be anywhere to watch cycling at all.

The other thing that bugs me about the Versus network.....more Bob Roll, less Frankie Andreu.

Thus ends the first installment of "You know what bugs me about...". Boy, it felt good to get that off my chest.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Psychology of Spin

2009-01-23T18:23:00.004-06:00

As I mercifully wrapped up my series on my recent illness and brush with death in my last post, today I can get back to writing about cycling. This was the illness that kept me from posting for a couple of month's.

Based on the tidal wave of apathy that nearly swept me away, it seemed that many of you hadn't noticed that I'd been away for awhile. But for those of you who did notice, you will be glad to know that I should be posting on a fairly regular basis now. Or maybe you won't be glad. We'll see.

There's another contributing factor for my recent absence from posting. October is probably the absolute worst time of the year to start a cycling blog. Think about it. The pro cycling season is finishing up, and here in Texas, the weather has gotten sufficiently cold to the point that, at least for me, cycling outdoors is becoming less and less of an option.

Yes, at 6'3" tall and 190 lbs, I am the world's biggest Weather Weenie. I freely admit that.

That leaves me, and those like me, with two options. Pray for an unseasonably warm day, or head indoors for spin class. For me, spin class would mean Bikin' Mike Keel's spin studio.

Besides being a bike ride producer, a cycling personal trainer and coach, a great friend, good cyclist, and all around boss dude, Bikin' Mike also operates a spin studio from November thru March. Five days a week, (ok, three or four days a week, give or take), you will find me at Mike's award winning studio, spinning my little heart out.

Before I go any further, in the hope of trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, I need to say something. (Disclaimer time.)

Bikin' Mike does an absolutely fabulous job in leading a spin class. He's got music blaring. He's enthusiastically calling out the spin cadence changes. If you listen to him and follow his ques, you can't help but get a great workout. Mike is doing everything he possibly can to make a spin class as enjoyable an experience as it can be. BUT....

...there's only so much Mike can do. No matter what Mike does, you still cannot escape the fact that you're sitting on your bike, staring at the same 4 walls, spinning like crazy and going nowhere fast. The two months I was sick and off my bike, I had forgotten how those walls can seem to start closing in on you. But, in the three weeks that I've been back in spin class, I've quickly been reminded.

About the only complaint that Mike gets from his clients, (his other clients, not me), would be regarding Mike's choice in music. You see, Mike is approaching his mid-50's. That would mean that Mike's musically formative years, (I made that term up), would have been the late 60's and 70's. Since those were the years that Mike began taking an interest in music, it stands to reason that most of Mike's music collection comes from that period of time. In other words, most of Mike's music library was probably not originally released on CD.

Mike typically answers these complaints with the effective response that it's not that he doesn't appreciate the music of today, it's just that he doesn't own much of it. While I am currently willing to accept that answer, I have advised him that they sell new music almost everywhere. Even with the knowledge that you can now actually download music directly to your home, Mike has been somewhat slow in acquiring a more current music library.

Not that there's anything wrong with Mike's music. It's perfectly fine music, but my God, how much Santana, Chicago, and Steely Dan can one person listen to. And to be fair, when clients do give Mike new music, he does his best to work it into the studio.

In an attempt to hurry these efforts along, and preserve my own sanity, today I would like to announce a new project.

Today we embark on The Bikin' Mike Keel Music Library Modernification Project.

I don't think that Modernification is a actually a word. But by gosh, it should be.

If you have any music that you think would be enjoyable to spin to, I'm asking you, no begging you, to send Mike the CD. Or a copy of the CD. Or make a mix CD of some of your favorite music. ANYTHING would be greatly appreciated. Now, what would make music "enjoyable to spin to"? The standard set by American Bandstand would apply here. If "it has a great beat, and it's easy to dance to", then it would probably be a good song to spin to.

The only things that would cause a song to be immediately rejected, would be anything recorded my Madonna or Britney Spears, (that's my own personal preference), and naughty language. We probably won't be spinning to a lot of Marylin Manson. If you're going to burn a CD for Mike, I believe that he will be needing it in the MP3 format.

By the way, Mike knows nothing of this project. Won't he be surprised!

If you would like to contribute to The Bikin' Mike Keel Music Library Modernification Project, (cash is not required or wanted, just music), please mail your contribution to:

The Bikin' Mike Keel Music Library Modernification Project
c/o Bikin' Mike Keel
605 East 18th Street
Suite 103
Plano, TX 75074

I thank you, and my therapist thanks you.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Back from the Brink, Part 6...and thankfully, the final installment

2009-01-21T20:43:00.002-06:00

As entertained as I'm sure you've been, hearing me talk about how I was sick for a couple of months, it's time to wrap up this series. I know, I know, you just can't get enough of me whining about how the doctor's did all these test that didn't show anything, and how the nurses were mean, and how I'm soooo much smarter than the doctors. You may not be tired of it, but I sure am. So today, we wrap it up.

When last we spoke, I had gotten a surprisingly good night's sleep at my sleep study. I still say that I was somehow drugged, but my lawyers have advised me that since I have no proof, my continuing to claim that I was drugged is starting to sound somewhat pathetic, if not actually a cause of action for the good folk at the sleep center to sue me. Always being careful to avoid getting sued, I do hearby recant those accusation. (Please don't sue me.)

About a week after I had completed my sleep study, I went back to the sleep center to go over the results with a doctor. It has been said of me, that I am not a patient man. That, combined with my 3 year old's attention, makes for a very volatile combination. By that I mean, I do not like to be kept waiting, and there just aren't enough different activities in a doctor's waiting room to keep me occupied.

So, as I sat in the waiting room for my 10:00am appointment, I couldn't help but notice that the current time was 10:45am. I believe I shouted out something to the effect that "it's a good thing there aren't any sick people waiting here! Someone might actually drop dead before a doctor can tell them what killed them!" I thought that that was a fine example of comedic sarcasm, but Trish didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did.

A full 50 minutes after my scheduled appointment, I get to see a doctor and we proceed to review the results of my sleep study. As I had predicted, I was told that I DO NOT have sleep apnea. So much for the fancy medical degrees.

Technically, Sleep Apnea is when you actually stop breathing while asleep, and you then wake up, due to the lack of oxygen. This happens over and over again, all night long. The doctor told me that I didn't stop breathing at all that night. That was the good news. The bad news was that my sleep chart, which shows when you're awake and when you're asleep, showed that during the 6 hours that they monitored me, I woke up 42 times.

Is it just me, or does that seem like a lot? That seems like a lot to me. Unfortunately, it seemed like a lot to the doctor as well. Especially for someone who doesn't have Sleep Apnea. My next question seemed kind of obvious.

"Why was I waking up 42 times a night?" The doctor's response was disappointing, to say the least. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders, and said "I don't know?

"Come on doc. At least my neurologist seemed to be genuinely disappointed when he couldn't find a brain tumor. How about a little effort here."

Let's add these test up. So far, I've had:

1 Chest Xray. Result - showed nothing.
1 Resting Echo-Cardiogram. Result - showed nothing.
1 Stressed Echo-Cardiogram. Result - several sever razor burns on my chest, but the test showed nothing.
1 Brain MRI. Result - showed nothing. (By nothing, I mean it showed nothing wrong. It did show a brain.)
1 Sleep Study. Result - did show that while I didn't have Sleep Apnea, I was waking up about every 8 minutes, all night long. As to why I was waking up - No idea.

Isn't modern medicine just a miracle. Here we have, what I assume to be several thousand of dollars worth of state-of-the-art medical test, and all they show is that I wake up a lot. My wife could have told me that for free.

All of these stunning test results were sent to my neurologist. After literally seconds of analysis, he determined that I should take a sleeping pill. Wow. How many years of medical school does one need, to learn to prescribe sleeping pills to someone who is having trouble sleeping?

All of this wouldn't be nearly as frustrating, if it hadn't worked. After experimenting with two or three different sleeping pills, we finally found one that put me to sleep pretty quickly, but didn't leave me feeling like the walking dead the next day. So now, I take a little blue pill before bed every night.

(No, not THAT little blue pill. I don't know what you might have heard, but let me assure you, it's not true.)

I'm almost disappointed to say that ever since I started taking my little blue pill, I've slept like a baby every night. The headaches have stopped, and I feel great the next day.

So that's the story. Maybe next post, I can actually talk about cycling.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Back from the Brink, Part 5...I have a nice head???

2009-01-19T20:41:00.003-06:00

Continuing our review of why I was absent from posting on this blog for a couple of months, today we'll talk about the sleep study that I was forced to endure.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of a sleep study, today's post should be enlightening. Basically, you're wired up and they watch and monitor you while you sleep. As the name would imply, the one absolutely necessary component of a sleep study, would be that the patient actually go to sleep. They, ("they" being those people administering the sleep study), then put the patient in a situation where it is quite nearly impossible to sleep.

I was told to report to the "Sleep Center" at 9:00pm in the evening. Right there, I had my first problem with this whole thing. Being 44 years of age, and being what most people would consider to be an "Ole Fuddy-Duddy" in training, the only thing that I'm really interested in doing at 9:00pm at night, is sitting in my big leather recliner, (hereto after referred to as "The Man Chair"), watching TV, and getting ready for bed. The last thing I'm looking to be doing at 9:00pm, is leaving the house. The fact that I was leaving the house to, presumably, go sleep somewhere else, is the only thing that made it tolerable.

I arrived at the sleep center at the appointed hour, were I was met by the "sleep technician", (another made up title), and shown to my room for the night. It looked pretty much like any hotel room you've ever stayed at, except that the bathroom was down the hall. We'll discuss the bathroom situation in more detail in a few minutes, so just keep that in the back of your mind for now.

The "technician" then began the process of attaching no fewer than 2 dozen sensors to various spots on my body. These sensors are supposed to register movement, and what position I am sleeping in. The vast majority of these sensors were either attached to my scalp, or directly to my face, but they were also attached to my legs, arms and chest, as well. These sensors are literally glued to my skin and are connected to wires which run to a box on the night stand.

Once she was done with the sensors, she then had me put on two heart rate and breathing monitors. One around my chest, and the other around my stomach. For any of you who have ever worn a heart rate monitor while cycling, you are familiar with this type of device. Now just imagine that the heart rate monitor is on way too tight, and that you have a second one on around your stomach. Again, way too tight.

Now, with all those sensors glued on, and straps on around your chest and stomach, doesn't that sound like you're all ready for a good night's sleep?

The technician did say something that I really appreciated. She said, and I quote, "Mr Miller, you have a really nice head."

That's one of those odd compliments that you're really not sure how to respond to. Of course, the polite thing to say is "Thank you." But you also want to ask, "How so?" By what criteria would one judge a head by? Shape? Size? Texture? Taste? Smell? How does one go about comparing one head to another?

It did make me feel good that she felt I had a "nice head", simply because who would make a better judge of heads, than a "technician" at a sleep center? All she does, every working day of her life, is glue sensors to people's heads. If there's anyone qualified to judge the attributes and deficiencies of a person's head, it's this lady.

Now, getting back to the bathroom situation. At this point, I have 2 dozen wires running from various parts of my body, connected to a box next to the bed. Despite my love of a good night's sleep, I am now 44 years old, and the night's that I sleep straight through, are easily out numbered by those night's that I have to get up and make at least one trip to the restroom. At this point, the only question that I have for my "technician", is exactly how do I do that? She replies that I just call her on the intercom next to the bed, and tell her that I need to go. She will then come into the room, and help me carry the box the wires are connected to, down the hall, and into the bathroom. So basically, I have to call and ask for permission to go to the restroom.

So. I've pee'd, and I'm all wired up. All ready for a restful night's sleep. For all of the reason's that I've pointed out above, I figure if I get 30 minutes of actual sleep tonight, out of sheer exhaustion, it will be a miracle. Not the least of these reason's is that I am now informed that they really need me to sleep on my back. I haven't slept on my back in 35 years. This whole thing is a complete waste of time, because there's just no way I'm getting any sleep tonight.

The "technician" turns out the lights as she's leaving the room, and as she's closing the door, she has the nerve to say, "Nightie, night."

I'm laying there in the dark, and I swear, no fewer than five minutes had passed, when the nurse came back on the intercom, and said, "Please wake up Mr Miller. Your sleep study is now complete."

I told her that that wasn't funny, and that she's not making it any easier for me to sleep. To which she replied that it was now 5:30am, and that I had been asleep for six and a half hours. I immediately called her a liar, and looked at my watch. To my great surprise, it was indeed 5:30am.

I had really been asleep for over six hours. The only thing I can figure, is that as soon as the technician left they room, they immediately began pumping in some sort of sedative gas. While this would serve to meet the primary requirement of a sleep study, that being that the patient actually sleep, I don't think the results would be indicative of a typical night's sleep for me. However, I was assured that I had indeed fallen asleep all on my own.

She then removed the sensors, said that the doctor would review the results, and send his findings to my neurologist. I was now free to go.

This was amazing. This was actually the best night's sleep I had gotten in months. And all it took was gluing dozens of sensors to my head, face, and body, and preventing me from visiting the bathroom as I felt I needed.

Next post, we review the results.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Back from the Brink, Part 4...that can't be good?

2009-01-14T20:36:00.004-06:00

Just to get you up to speed in this series of post:

Part 1 - I have had headaches, tiredness, and shortness of breath for a couple of months. I go to the doctor.

Part 2 - My doctor says I have sleep apnea. I disagree. He refers me to a cardiologist, a neurologist, and for a sleep study.

Part 3 - I go to the cardiologist. I am terrorized by a scary woman named Helga. We determine that there is nothing wrong with my heart.

If you want any more detail than that, read the postings.

Today, we go see my neurologist. Of all the doctor visits that I went to during this whole unseemly ordeal, this is the one that I dreaded the most. Based on my years of watching M*A*S*H and House, I was pretty sure my doctor was wrong about the Sleep Apnea. Given that just before I got sick, I had completed a 2 day, 150 mile bike ride, I was pretty sure that there wasn't anything wrong with my heart. But, as to what might be going on inside my head, I have no idea.

Those of you who know me, didn't need a neurologist to tell you that I had no idea what was going on inside of my head.

So, Trish and I are sitting in the exam room, when someone I assume to be the doctor's son walked in. This guy looked to be all of 19 years old. I wanted to ask him, "Did you come to work with your Daddy today? You're such a big boy. Yes, you are!" But I didn't.

He introduced himself as the neurologist. I think I actually laughed out loud. I've got ties older than this guy, and he's going to tell me if there's anything wrong inside my head. I don't think so, but Trish made me stay.

I describe my symptoms, and the first thing he says is that it sounds like I have sleep apnea. I attempt to leave again, but again, Tris makes me stay. I informed him that my regular doctor, (as opposed to my irregular doctor), has already scheduled me for a sleep study. In the mean time, the neurologist wants me to have an MRI.

This immediately causes me a great deal of anxiety. If I've learned nothing from watching years of House reruns, aside from the fact that both my doctor and my neurologist are wrong about me having sleep apnea, it is that the last place you want to go, is into that big, tube shaped MRI machine. It seems like every time House puts someone in there, they have some sort of attack, or seizure, or just flat out die. Trish and I have dubbed it the "Death Machine". I think it's were House sends the patients that he can't diagnose, and he just wants to get them out of his hair. But, once again, Trish forces me to go get the MRI a couple of days later.

About two weeks later, we return to the neurologist office to discuss the results of the MRI, along with the results of the sleep study, that has been done as well. I'll talk about that experience in my next post. The neurologist says that, as he expected, the MRI showed nothing abnormal. Then he said the strangest thing.

"The MRI did show a white spot on your brain, but it's not anything to worry about."

Remember a couple of post ago, when I talked about certain phrases, that when uttered by a doctor, tend to get your attention very quickly. In that post, I used the phrase "BRAIN TUMOR" as a example. Well, you can add the phrase "WHITE SPOT ON YOUR BRAIN" to that list as well.

"What the hell do you mean, there's a white spot on my brain?"

"Just what I said. There's a small white spot on your brain, but it's nothing that I'd be concerned about."

"Well sure, your not worried about it. It's not your brain. To tell you the truth, I'm deeply concerned about it."

This little conversation did bring one thing to light that I had never considered before. There is almost no sentence, in which you can use the phrase "on my brain", and it be a good thing. No matter how nice a subject is, when you add the phrase "on my brain", there's almost no way that it's going to work out well for you.

"The flowers were in full bloom, on my brain." Nope, that's no good.

"We found lots of sea shells today, on my brain." No, you don't want that.

"The smell of jasmine filled the air, on my brain." Can't see how that is going to help you.

The spot is actually described as, and I quote from the Imaging Specialist's, (I think, a made up title), report:

"Single posterior right frontal deep white matter 5mm region of T2 prolongation."

Wow! I have absolutely no idea what any of that means, but that can't be good, can it?

Below, is one of the actual MRI scans. In it, you can actually see the white spot.

This scan is important for two reasons.

One.....despite popular opinion, especially that of my 9 year old, it does confirm that I do, in fact, have a brain. How many of you out there can actually prove that you have a brain? So I got that going for me.

And two.....I don't care what anyone says, I am a handsome man, inside and out.

The neurologist went on to say that almost anyone over the age of twenty, is going to have one or two of these white spots, on their brain. Sorry to break that little peace of news to you.

After reviewing the results of the sleep study, the doctor still felt that my problem was a lack of sleep. I think you know where this is leading.

I get to take legal, safe, doctor prescribed drugs!

I'm not too concerned about it, unless they start doing urinalysis test before next year's Hotter-n-Hell.

Next post, the ordeal of a sleep study.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Back from the Brink, Part 3...Sorry to disappoint you Doc

2009-01-09T13:48:00.010-06:00

Continuing the recap of my recent medical adventures, so far we've determined that:

* I've been sick for the last couple of months, with headaches every morning, shortness of breath at the slightest exertion of effort, and just being ridiculously tired all the time.

* I eventually go to the doctor, who immediately suspects that I have sleep apnea. A diagnosis that I, based on my years of watching M*A*S*H and House, completely disagree with.

* My doctor schedules me for a sleep study, to confirm his completely incorrect diagnosis of sleep apnea.

* In order to rule out other possibilities, he also refers me to a Neurologist. Those other possibilities being brain tumors and/or aneurysms, which he seems to find amusing.

* Almost on a lark, he decides to perform an EKG in his office. I guess the machine was just sitting there, and he had some time to kill. That test shows some sort of "issue" with my heart. He doesn't feel that it's anything to worry about, but he refers me to a cardiologist anyway.

You know, I'm really glad I spent the last 8 years going from 260 lbs to 190 lbs, and getting healthy, or I might really be sick. Figures though. I could have spent the last 8 years sitting on my behind, eating pizza and hot dogs, and been just as healthy as I now appear to be. I'll be the most well conditioned corpse you've ever seen.

One other thing that my doctor said, was to stay off of my bike until the cardiologist says it's OK to ride again. As a matter of fact, I should try to avoid any activity that would put any stress on my heart. I'm certainly glad that there's not anything to worry about.

So the first specialist I see is the cardiologist. After reviewing the printout from the EKG at my doctor's office, and talking to me for all of 5 minutes, he states that he doesn't believe that there's anything to worry about either, but he wants to run some test anyway. Sure, just for fun, lets go ahead and run a resting Echo-Cardiogram, as well as a Stressed Echo-Cardiogram. You know, just for fun.

As it happens, they just happen to have time to do the Stressed Echo-Cardiogram right then and there. For those who don't know, this is the test where they wire you up with electrodes, (still strangely arousing when done by a nurse), make you run on a treadmill till your heart rate gets going really good, then they basically do a sonogram on your heart.

When I say that the application of the electrodes is somehow strangely arousing, I should clarify that that is true when done by the right nurse. I of course refer to the type of nurse that you'll usually find in any movie seen on Cinemax after 10:00pm. I am not referring to the type of nurse that they apparently have doing the Stress Echo's at my cardiologist office.

I'm not sure what her real name was, but for our purposes here, we'll call her Helga. It would seem that Helga recently immigrated to the U.S., either from one of the former Soviet republics, or from East Germany. It would also seem that the development of a gentle bedside manner is not a subject that was particularly emphasized in nursing schools behind the Iron Curtain.

"You, you vill take off your shirt, and lie on ze table, now!"

I'm so intimidated by this point, that I immediately rip off my shirt and jump up on the table. Helga then proceeds to shave my chest. She probably could have been a little more gentle about it if she had just ripped the hairs out of my chest with her bare hands. Then, for some reason, and I'm not kidding, she rubs my chest with sand paper. I'm not sure why, but I think she felt she didn't do enough damage during the shave.

"I vill now attach ze electrodez to your chest. Do not move!"

I reply with an obedient, "Yes ma'am".

Helga applies the electrodes to my chest. The alcohol wipes were a particularly nice touch after the shave and sandpaper scrub.

"You vill now get up, and get on ze treadmill. Now!"

"Yes ma'am". I, like a whipped dog, dutifully get up and stand on the treadmill.

"As ze treadmill begins to move, you vill begin valking. As ze treadmill increases in speed, you vill jog, zhen run, yes? If you have difficulties in breathing, you vill let me know, yes? Now you vill begin!"

So, the stress portion of the Stress-Echo now begins. I begin at I nice gentle walk, but seeing that Helga is clearly disappointed in my lack of "stress", the treadmill quickly increases to a jog, then a run. As I'm at a full gallop on the treadmill, another nurse comes into the room. I later find out that this is the person that will be performing the "Echo" part of the Stress-Echo. It takes about 15 minutes for my heart rate to rise to a point where Helga feels that we can proceed to the next portion of the test.

"You vill now stop running, and quickly get on ze table. Now! Shnell! Shnell!"

I literally jump off of the treadmill and onto the exam table. I would later learn that once they have my heart rate up, they only have about 90 seconds to get whatever information they need. The sonogram lady, as she likes to be called by her friends, now squirts a rather large amount of goo on my chest. Any woman who has ever had a baby is familiar with this goo. It actually felt rather nice, given the shaving and alcohol burns that had previously been applied by Helga. The sonogram lady then rubs the sonogram thingy around on my chest for about 90 seconds.

(My vast knowledge of medical terms, is impressive, isn't it, i.e...sonogram thingy?)

The sonogram lady then leaves without saying another word. It is apparent that she is deathly afraid of Helga. Not without good reason. I now believe that Helga is planning on killing me.

"Ze doctor vill be in to review ze test results in a few minutes. You vill put on you shirt. Now!"

With that, Helga turns and leaves. I cancel my call to 911, that I had been secretly dialing on my cell phone.

A few minutes later, the cardiologist comes into the room, and begins to review the test results. As he's going through the printouts and sonogram results, he seems genuinely disappointed that he can't find anything wrong.

"Nope, I'm sorry Mr Miller. I don't see anything wrong here."

"That's OK doc. I'm sure you did your best." At this point, I'm so happy to have escaped Helga's evil clutches, he could have told me I was pregnant and that would have been just fine with me.

As I'm leaving for the day, we schedule the non-stressed echo for the next morning. It's more of the same, just without the fun of Helga's death march on the treadmill. That test turns out just fine as well, and I get the OK from the cardiologist to resume riding my bike.

I didn't see Helga when I came back the next day. But believe me, it wasn't for a lack of looking. It's funny though. I can't look at the scars on my chest now without thinking of her, and smiling. When you stare death in the face like that, it makes you appreciate life just that much more.

In my next post, we take a trip to the Neurologist.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Back from the Brink, Part 2....what else

2009-01-07T20:49:00.004-06:00

If you'll recall my last post, we were reviewing why I've been away from this post for the past couple of months. When we last left our hero, I was at my doctor's office, and he had given me a preliminary diagnosis that sleep apnea was causing my headaches, shortness of breath, and extreme tiredness.

In a vain attempt to relate to the kids today, let's refer to "extreme tiredness" as "X-Tiredness". Cool.

I should mention that at that time, I completely disagreed with the doctor's diagnosis. While I've had no "formal" medical training per se, I do watch a lot of "House" on TV, and I felt that that more than qualified me to make my own medical diagnosis. But my wife insisted that we listen to the doctor.

So the doctor wants me to have a sleep study done, but before that, I should see a Neurologist, just to eliminate the possibility of anything "funny" going on inside my head. Again, brain tumors, seizures, and aneurysms, aren't what I would usually consider to be funny, but what do I know? He's the one with the medical degree.

Just as I'm getting dressed to leave, the doctor pokes his head back in the exam room and says, "As long as your here, let's go ahead and do a EKG, just to make sure that your heart is OK as well". Well, I'm a big strong cyclist. I just did a two day, 150 mile bike ride. What could possibly be wrong with my heart? Yea, right.

After a couple of minutes, the nurse comes in and hooks up all of the little electrode things to my chest. While the thought of a strange woman hooking electrodes to my bare chest would normally be both frightening and somewhat arousing, for some reason in this case, it didn't quite have the same effect. Probably had something to do with my wife sitting there. She tells me to just lay back and relax. Again, under any other circumstance, if a strange woman said that to me, it would usually be a good thing.

We now begin the EKG. I should have known something wasn't right by the nurses reactions to the test. I heard a lot of "hmmm's", and a few "ohhhh's", and even one "Wow!". After a couple of minutes, were done. She removes the electrodes, gathers her things, and rushes out of the room like she's afraid she's going to catch whatever it is that's wrong with me.

A few minutes later the doctor returns. The first thing he says is "it's probably nothing to worry about, but". It's that "but" that scares the cr@p out of me. He continues.

"There were a couple of things on the EKG that just didn't look quite right. I'd like you to see a Cardiologist too".

OK, lets start adding these up. I come in with headaches, and so far:
1. I need to have a sleep study done, to confirm sleep apnea.
2. I might have a problem in my head, i.e...brain tumor.
3. There is apparently something wrong with my heart.

What else can go wrong? Pneumonia? Gout? Athletes foot? I was actually afraid to go outside, fearing that I would be set upon by a plague of locust.

Next post, we talk about my wild time at the Cardiologist office, and all the good times that we had there.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Post Script...In case you missed it, The Fat Cyclist had a hilarious posting on his blog about a couple of packages of expired Shot Blok. I highly recommend that you go to my "Cool Links" directory on the right hand side of this page, click on "The Fat Cyclist" link, and scroll down the his posting titled "The Shot Blok Experiments".

Back from the brink.....

2009-01-05T15:24:00.004-06:00

For those of you who noticed that I haven't posted for a while, (both of you), you'll be glad to know that I am once again posting to the Nearly Famous Fred blog, or the Fred Blog, or "the Flog" for short. After being nearly swept away by the tidal wave of apathy, I felt I owed it to my readers to start posting again.

The reason for my extended absence is two fold.

First off, I've been sick. For the better part of the last two months, I've been waking up with a headache, every day. I'm not exaggerating. I woke up with a headache everyday, for two months. Not a skull splitting migraine or anything, but just an annoying headache.

At least I don't think they were migraines. Having never been diagnosed with migraines, I really don't know what a migraines feels like. I can tell you this, if these were migraines, my wife and I are going to have a serious talk. She's been complaining about migraines for years, and if this is it, she's got a great big "suck it up and get over it" coming.

On the headache scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being one too many beers the night before, and 10 being the pound your head against the wall until you lose consciousness type of headache, these were probably a 4 or 5. Nothing too severe, but bad enough, that after the first 5 or 6 days in a row, they really start to lose their charm, type of headache.

In addition to the headaches, I was also just amazingly tired all the time. Didn't feel like doing anything.

(Please insert your own "how is that different than any other day" joke here).

Didn't feel like getting out of bed, much less go ride my bike. Couldn't muster enough energy to even post to my blog. (God forgive me). I basically had an I.V. drip of coffee going all day to keep me awake long enough to get through a day of work.

Along with all of that, I was incredibly short of breath all the time. We had a house full of company over for Thanksgiving weekend, and we were trying to get the Christmas decorations up before everyone got here. What should have been a weekends worth of work, turned out to be a week long ordeal. I would help put up decorations for about 10 minutes, then had to sit down and rest for 45 minutes to catch my breath. After a few of the "you're just being lazy" objections from my wife, (given my history, who could blame her), she started to realize that there might be something seriously wrong with me.

(Again, insert your own "we all knew a long time ago that there was something seriously wrong with you" joke here).

This all started around the end of October, so by the end of November, we decided that I might want to go see a doctor. Denial is a wonderful thing.

As soon as I explained my symptoms to my doctor, he immediately asked if I snore. When you think about it, that actually is a pretty dumb thing to ask someone, as they are typically asleep when they would usually be snoring. I told him that I can't speak to if I snore or not when I'm asleep, but I could verify that I don't ever recall snoring while I was awake. He said that headaches in the morning, general tiredness, and shortness of breath are all classic signs of sleep apnea.

Sleep apnea, for those who don't know, is when a person is asleep, they actually stop breathing. Sometimes for 30 seconds or more. This usually wakes them up, and then they start breathing again. You're usually not actually aware that you're awake, but you do wake up. It can be a potentially deadly illness. This continuous waking up all night long deprives the person of the deep, restful sleep that they need, causing, among other things; headaches, sleepiness, and shortness of breath.

So my doctor scheduled me for a sleep study. We'll get into that in a little more detail in my next post, but for now, lets just say they wire you up, and watch you sleep. But before the sleep study, the doctor wanted to eliminate other possibilities. By other possibilities, he meant a brain tumor, or some sort of heart problem.

It was at this point in the doctor's visit, that I made a significant discovery about the human language. There are certain words, that no matter how bored and tuned out you are, will just snap you back to reality. I have the attention span of a sleepy three year old. By this point, we had been at the doctor's office for about 45 minutes, not counting the time we spent in the waiting room. So I basically had a glazed over, thousand yard stare going on. Somewhere in the back ground, the doctor was droning on, sounding remarkably similar to Charlie Brown's teacher.

"Blah blah blah, blah bla bla bla. Ba blah. Blah ba bla."

It was right about here were, somewhere through the fog, I heard;

"Blah bla bla. Bla ba blah BRAIN TUMOR, blah bla bla ba."

Whatever dream world I had drifted off to, immediately vanished. I was quickly and violently slapped back into reality.

"I'm sorry doc, I didn't quite catch that last thing you said there. What was that again."

He then repeated that he didn't think there was anything to be found, but he wanted to eliminate the possibility of anything funny going on inside my head, like a BRAIN TUMOR. I immediately explained to my doctor that he and I have very different opinions of what is "funny".

In tomorrow's post, we'll review the good times that were had during the multitude of test that followed this trip to the doctor's office. We'll also delve into the unique experience of a "sleep study". After that, we'll look into the other reason why I haven't posted in a while.

And just in case your were worried, I do NOT have a brain tumor.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

About what I said before...

2008-11-21T14:32:00.004-06:00

I'm going to have to contradict myself today. I know this is setting a dangerous precedence, considering that I've only been writing this blog for about 2 1/2 month. It's a little early to be contradicting myself, but in this case, I think it's necessary. As a loyal reader of this blog, and how could you not be, you should recall that I have publicly stated that riding in cold weather is not something that I particularly enjoy. Not only have I stated that I don't enjoy it, I also have called into question the sanity of anyone who does. That statement not withstanding, I stand before you today to admit that one of my favorite bike rides of the year is coming up very shortly. I speak of the January 1st, Merry Fitness and A Happy New Rear Ride.

Each year, Bikin' Mike puts on this New Year's Day bike ride north of McKinney, TX. When you put on a ride on January 1st, you're pretty much asking for trouble with the weather. And we've had both the good, and the bad when it comes to the weather for this ride. We've ridden it on absolutely beautifully sunny days, with temperatures in the mid 70's, and we've ridden in cloudy, overcast, drizzly days, with bone chilling 30 degrees temperatures. Yes, in Texas, 30 degrees is considered "bone chilling".

Surprisingly, we usually get a good turnout for this ride. To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure why. I have theories, not the least of which is the snappy name of the ride. Even I, as jaded and cynical as I am, have to admit "The Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear Ride" is a pretty snazzy name for a bike ride. The name, along with the long sleeve t-shirts that Mike gives the riders for this ride instead of the usual standard issue short sleeves T's, get a pretty good turnout.

In addition to the really cool t-shirt, there are a few additional reasons that I think we get a nice crowd. For some reason, the riders seem to be in a really good mood for this ride. I've noticed over the years that regardless of the weather, people seem to really enjoy themselves. I think it's just that after a couple of months of riding in spin classes, they're just really overjoyed to be riding outside again. And come hell or high water, they're not going to let the weather ruin their day outside. I've seen them come across the finish line, teeth chattering, nose running, lips blue, and just as happy as they can be. I personally thinks that its a hypothermia induced case of mass hysteria.

Along those same lines, I've also noticed that the drivers that we encounter on this ride, seem to be in a better mood than they are the rest of the year. I think this is due to their surprise at actually seeing a large group of riders out on Jan 1st. By the time they actually comprehend that there are cyclist out, they don't have time to work up the proper amount of rage to honk, or shout, or throw a beer bottle at my head. It's either that, or they just figure that we don't have enough sense to come in out of the cold, and they'd feel bad about picking on the slow witted.

All that aside, I believe the real reason that we get a such good turnout for this ride, is that Mike always makes it a point to have black eyed peas and cornbread for all of the riders at the finish line. If you've never experienced the pure rapture of finishing up a 40 mile bike ride, in 30 degree temperature on Jan 1st, and sitting down to a piping hot bowl of black eyed peas and cornbread, you've really missed out on one of the great pleasures that a cyclist can experience. For me, I try and savor the experience. While some of the less learned riders just dive right in and start eating the peas, I first just sit there and enjoy the warmth of the bowl as it heats up my hands. Next, I kind of let my face hang over the bowl, and let the steam just float up to my nose. After a couple of hypnotic minutes of that, then and only then, do I allow myself to eat. As you can tell, I REEEALLY enjoy my bowl of peas.

And the best part is, it doesn't even have to be a good bowl of peas. More importantly, it just has to be hot. But that's somewhat true of all finish line food. I recall a ride last year were they served hot dogs after the ride. My wife will be the first to tell you, that I have a special relationship with hotdogs. I absolutely love a good hotdog. To the point of it being an obsession. So I was really looking forward to the end of this ride. I finished my 100k, parked my bike, and made a beeline for the hotdogs. The hotdog was about luke cool. The bun was somewhat soggy. And the only mustard they had was the kind in the little packages, that has usually separated into the clear liquid part and the mustard yellow part. Even with all of that, that had to be one of the best hotdogs I've ever had. Coming from a hotdog snob like myself, that's saying something.

It's experiences like these that really make me wonder about those people I hear complaining about the food at the end of a ride. Generally, by the end of a ride I'm so hungry, that a shoe covered with the seperated clear mustard juice would taste pretty good. For those people who complain about bike ride food, if you just ride a little harder, the food probably taste a whole lot better.

Still yet another benefit to riding hard.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Experience plus math, equal the painful truth

2008-11-18T18:36:00.005-06:00

I believe that I have mentioned in the past that when I'm not riding my bike in a bike rally, I'm helping Bikin' Mike Keel produce a bike rally. Each year, Mike produces four or five bike rides in the Dallas area. My job in putting on these rides is to supervise the course. My official title is Route Coordinator. I can tell you're very impressed.

The main responsibility of a Route Coordinator, (notice how I capitalize Route Coordinator to make it seem more impressive), is to prepare the course for the ride. That is, I'm the guy who paints the arrows on the pavement, and/or places the signs out on the course with the arrows to tell you which way to go. There's a little more to it than that, which we'll get into in a later post, but far and away, marking the course is my biggest responsibility.

In the world of Route Coordinators, there is one unforgiving reality, and two overriding guidelines that we live by.

The One Unforgiving Reality:
No matter how well you mark a route, if someone gets lost, it's your fault.

The Two Overriding Guidelines:
1. When marking a course, go in with the attitude that you've got to idiot-proof the course.
2. Just when you think you've idiot-proofed the course, they'll build a better idiot.

Please don't think that I am picking on cyclist, by pointing out that a certain percentage of them are idiots. It is my personal opinion, that 5% to 10% of the general population displays certain idiotic tendencies. Any group that you look at closely, will reflect that 5 to 10 percent Rate of Idiocy, or ROI as I like to call it. If you look at your local police department, you'll probably find a 5 to 10% ROI. If you sat down and talked to the faculty at your local high school, again, there would probably be a 5 to 10% ROI. A good example here in the Dallas area would be the Dallas ISD School Board. Actually, I'm guessing that they'd probably skew a little higher on their ROI, but you get the idea. There's idiots everywhere, and cyclist at a bike ride are no different.

So it is for this 5% to 10% that we, as Route Coordinators have to spend the majority of our time planning for.

We have to plan for the Collin Classic cyclist 3 years ago, who rode right past the right turn sign, that the other 2200 cyclist all saw, at the Northern most point of the course. That cyclist rode north for another hour and half, without seeing another cyclist, without seeing another route marker, and without seeing a break point, and still didn't know that she was lost. An hour and a half north of that turn, and your almost into Oklahoma. The only reason that she knew she was lost was when the Sheriff's Deputy stopped her and asked if she was part of the Collin Classic bike ride. The kicker of this was, that when our SAG driver went to pick her up, it was then that we discovered that she was a bandit. For those of you who don't know what a bandit is, a bandit is someone who rides in a ride, using the police support that the ride producer pays for, using the break points that the ride producer provided, but not bothering to pay the entry fee for the bike ride. She just showed up, started the ride, got lost, and figured she was entitled to use the SAG support that the ride producer had provided. Somehow, it was our responsibility to come and get her.

We have to plan for the Collin Classic rider two years ago, who decided that she needed to SAG in at the first break point of the 55 mile course. She climbed into the back of a SAG truck about 9:30am that morning, and proceeded to ride around in the back of that truck for the next 7 hours. Apparently, she didn't realize that when the truck got back to the start/finish area, she should get out. As she explained it to me later, quite loudly, we should have told her to get out of the truck.

We also have to plan for the Tour Dallas rider last year who finished the ride, laid his bike down next to his truck, and soon became distracted by a phone call. In fact, he got so distracted by that phone call, that he jumped in his truck and drove off, leaving his bike laying on the ground in the parking lot. By the time he realized that he had forgotten his bike and drove back to the parking lot, his bike was gone. He made his way down to the Communication Center, where we Route Coordinator's like to hang out, and explained what had happened exactly as I have explained it here to you. He wasn't even embarrassed. Like everybody just drives off and leaves their bike laying on the ground. He also seemed to think that it was our responsibility to locate his lost bike. Why he thought this, I don't know. I expressed the appropriate level of concern, all the while fighting like mad not to roll my eyes at him and pat him on the head like some poor idiotic dog. I started to take his personal information from him, so that if anyone turned in the bike, we could get in touch with him.

When I asked him for his rider number, he made the surprising confession that he too, was a bandit. Again, he said it without the slightest bit of embarrassment, like it's just crazy to actually pay to ride in one of these bike rides. I wanted to tell him that unless that bicycle fell from the sky and landed on my head, the odds of me finding it were pretty slim, because I wasn't going to invest whole lot of time in looking for a bandit's lost bike. I also wanted to tell him that he better find that bike before anyone associated with the ride did, because if we found it first, I was going to sell it to the first person who would give me $30 for it, to cover the cost of the registration that he didn't pay.

I wanted to tell him both of those things, but I didn't. I was polite and I pretended to be very sympathetic towards his plight. As a fellow cyclist, of course I feel sympathy for any cyclist who's lost his bike. Especially a card carrying member of the 5 to 10%.

And besides, I'm a Route Coordinator. I have to plan for these sort of things.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Caveat emptor

2008-11-13T14:01:00.007-06:00

Today, we wrap up our series on bike shop service. So far, we've discussed how much attention you can expect from a bike shop, and what kind of service you can expect. Now let's look at how well our bike shops cater to the needs of their customers. That is, what kind of job they do in providing you with what you want, and just as importantly, providing you with what you need.

(That last sentence actually sounded kind of erotic, didn't it. Let's all try and be adults here, shall we.)

First and foremost, I completely understand that bike shops are in the business to make money. Not only do I understand this, but I wholeheartedly endorse this goal. Making money is actually one of my favorite things. I don't make the commute from McKinney to Dallas Love Field everyday because it is such a nice drive. I do it, because if I don't, Southwest Airlines won't pay me. They're funny that way. So I do not begrudge a business making money.

If you've been keeping up with the first two postings in this series, you might have noticed that so far, things haven't gone particularly well for RBM. Don't look for things to take an upturn today.

As usual, I have examples to make my points.

Regarding Plano Cycling and Fitness. I was in one of Bikin' Mike's spin classes, when my trainer suddenly died. I'd like to think that the pure power of my spin just overwhelmed it. Truth be told, it was an old trainer and it just finally gave up the ghost. So I walk across the parking lot to Plano Cycling, fully prepared to buy a new trainer. As I walk through the door, I'm immediately set upon by a sales clerk, asking if there's anything I need help with. After telling him that my trainer just kicked the bucket, I indicate that I need a new one.

Now here's where it gets a little weird. Instead of immediately taking me to the new trainers, he says that he might be able to get the old one fixed by the manufacturer. No really, I swear that's what he said. Instead of just selling me a new one like I was fully prepared to do, he volunteers to try and get the old one fixed for free. I eyeball him suspiciously for several seconds, trying to figure out how I'm going to get screwed on this deal, but being unable to figure out his angle, I tell him to go ahead and see what he could do. But I also tell him to not try anything funny, as I'll be watching his every move. Turns out that not only was he able to get the broken part replaced for free, but Plano Cycling also installed the new part, free of charge.

Did I mention that I didn't buy the trainer in question from Plano Cycling? I bought it used from a friend. How's that for catering to the customer's needs.

Now, lets turn our magnifying glass to RBM. I actually don't have any personal stories to tell about my experiences shopping at RBM, as I can't remember the last time I bought anything from them. But I do have a story to relate, from of all places, The Dallas Morning News.

A couple of years ago, The Dallas Morning News did a story on how to go about buying your first bicycle. They sent mystery shoppers into several bike shops, including RBM. The RBM mystery shopper stated that she went into RBM and amazingly found someone to help her. The first thing she told the clerk was that this was her first bike, and she had a $500.00 budget to spend. After hearing this, the sales clerk immediately took her over and showed her a $1,000.00 Trek. Right there should have been your first indication of whose needs to bike shop was trying to satisfy. it certainly wasn't the shoppers.

So the mystery shoppers takes a test ride on the Trek, and after some discussion, agrees to buy the $1,000.00 bicycle. As they start to head for the register, the clerk just happens to say, "there's another bike that I would like you to try. I just want to get your opinion of it." Because as we all know, the evaluation of a first time cyclist, is critical in getting a truly informed and knowledgeable opinion of a bicycle. The clerk goes in the back and rolls out with a $3,000.00 Bianchi. After insisting that the customer "just try it out", the customer takes it for a ride. Now you tell me, how are you going to feel about that $1,000.00 Trek, after trying the $3,000.00 Bianchi. The Trek would probably feel like the tires were square after riding the Bianchi. Not to anyone's surprise, the customer bought the Bianchi.

If you were teaching a class on how to "upsale" a customer, you couldn't come up with a better example if you tried. And I know what your thinking. All the customer had to do is say "No". That's not the point here. The point is that the customer specifically told the clerk that they wanted to spend $500.00, and they wind up leaving with a bike that cost 6x's that much. In my opinion, this is a classic example of a bike shop failing to provide a customer with what they need. Instead, the goal of the bike shop was to get that customer to spend as much money in the store as they possible could, regardless of what the customer actually needed. A first time cyclist, with 10 cent legs, does not need a $3,000.00 bicycle.

Truthfully, I'm all for someone making as much money as they possibly can. A bigger fan of money than me, you'll never find. But in my opinion, there is line that can be crossed, from making money, to taking advantage of a shopper that just doesn't know any better.

As for me, I like my chances at Plano Cycling.

Just in case you were wondering, "Caveat emptor" means "Let the buyer beware". I had to look it up too.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I do not suffer fools gladly

2008-11-10T13:43:00.006-06:00

Continuing our discussion of bicycle shop service, today we look at what kind of service you can expect from our two bike shops. By that I mean, how can you expect to be treated. Do they treat you with respect? Are they nice to you? That may seem like a silly question. Bike shops are in the business of selling bikes. Therefore, they want to be nice to their potential customers. You'd think that wouldn't you? I can't speak for everyone, but that's certainly what I would have assumed. I freely admit, that if I had to rely on my ability to sell something to earn a living, I'd soon starve to death. But even I know that a customer that I've somehow managed to p*ss off, is much less likely to buy something from me. (I say "somehow managed to", like I have a really hard time p*ssing people off.) But I have been in bike shops where the employees act like bicycle retail would be really great line of work, if it wasn't for the customers coming in all the time, interrupting their day. Again, I won't mention any names here, but if you're ever in the Snyder Plaza Shopping Center here in Dallas, and you're looking for a bike shop, my advise would be to keep on driving.

But getting back to our two bike shops, that being Plano Cycling and Fitness, and the mystery guest RBM (wink, wink). I can relate a couple of stories about these bike shops, that I think best exemplify their attitude towards the customer. Again, these stories represent my own person opinions. (I just can't emphasis it enough, how suing me would be a complete waste of time).

As far as Plano Cycling goes, all I can simply say is that I have never been treated with anything but respect and friendship. Period. That's it. I'd like to be able to relate some amazing story of great customer service from Plano Cycling, but when that's the only kind of customer service that you ever get, it makes it kind of hard for any specific instance to stand out in your mind.

Now RBM, that's a different story.

I have a friend who I cycle with all the time. (No, really, I really do have a friend.) This friend has a weight problem, that I am happy to say, she is very successfully dealing with through her cycling. She's not there yet, but she's well on her way. She related the following story to me. One day she went to RBM to buy a gift card for a friend. The reason she was getting the card at RBM was that the friend lived close by, and wouldn't listen to reason. As my friend walked up to the counter, the salesman turned to another salesman and said under his breath, "Bet she's here for a gift certificate". He took one look at my friend, saw that she had some weight to lose, and just immediately assumed that there was no way she could possible be there for herself. Even if he thought that, why would he even consider saying it where she could possibly hear it. My friend went ahead and bought the gift card, because that's what her friend needed, but not surprisingly, she hasn't been back either. As she turned to leave, the salesman turned to the other salesman again, and said "Told ya". Nice.

My second example is my favorite bike shop related story of all time. I wear glasses. So, a couple of years ago, I decide that I need to get prescription cycling glasses. I go to Plano Cycling and purchase a pair of Tifossi sunglasses. These are the type of glasses that have the clip-in inserts that actually have your prescription lenses in them. Well Plano Cycling didn't have the inserts. They said they would order me a pair, but if I found them somewhere else, I wouldn't be required to buy them. I went ahead and had them order me a pair. As my wife and I were walking to the car, I told her that maybe I'd been a little unfair to RBM. It had been several years since my previous bad experiences with them. Maybe I should give them another chance to make a brand new bad experience. So I called them and ask if they have the prescription insert for Tifossi glasses.

The guy I was talking to said "Yes."

I say "You're sure?".

He says "Yes. We've got them right here."

I say "You've got them in the store?"

He again says "Yes."

So I say "Your not going to sell them all before I get there, are you?"

To which he says, "No, we've got plenty of them."

I say "OK, I'll be there in 20 minutes."

It wasn't a terribly spellbinding conversation, but I think I successfully relayed my point to him that I was expecting them to have the insert in the store for sale when I got there.

As Trish and I pull into the parking lot at RBM, I just start laughing. Trish asked me what was so funny. I told her that I was just thinking about the wild-eyed fit that I was going to throw when we get into the store and they don't have the insert. She said, as she has so often been quoted saying to me, "You're just being stupid".

We walk in, go right up to the glasses counter and I inquire where the prescription inserts were for Tifossi cycling glasses. I'll give you three guesses what the salesman's response was.

"We don't keep those in stock in the store, but I can order you a pair."

It was just about at this point where I unleashed a stream of vulgarity and obscenity that would have caused most peoples ears to start bleeding. I actually kinda blacked out, but I do remember questioning the intelligence of almost everyone who worked there, and I believe that I actually inquired if the sales clerks parents weren't somehow close relatives.

What was most upsetting was the response of the sales clerk. Or rather, his lack of response. Now you tell me, if you had a customer who had obviously been misled about the availability of an item, what would have been one of the first things out of your mouth. Might you have considered offering up an "I'm sorry" at some point. That's what I would have said. But no, not at RBM. He just stood there looking at me, like this sort of thing happens every day.

The only good thing that came out of this whole episode was, that because of my reaction in the store, my wife now refuses to go shopping with me anymore. Nor does she request that I go shopping with her anymore either. Find those silver linings where ever you can.

Next time, we discuss how these bike shops cater to their customer's needs.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The first cut is the deepest

2008-11-08T10:20:00.009-06:00

I think I have mentioned in the past that I work a "real" job for Southwest Airlines. Whatever your personal opinion might be of Southwest, I think I'm safe in saying that Southwest is pretty much known for offering great customer service. So, having worked there for almost 12 years now, I think I'm qualified to offer my opinions on what constitutes good customer service. Actually, qualified or not, I'm going to offer them anyway. But, for now, lets go ahead and pretend that I am qualified.

Before we go any further, I need to include some disclaimer type statements. The opinions expressed here are my own, based solely on my personal experiences. The experiences are factual. Not "based" on fact, but factual. (I'm desperately trying to avoid getting sued.)

Over the next few posts, I would like to compare and contrast the type of service I have experienced, and offer my opinions based on those experiences, of the two largest bike shops here in the Dallas/Plano/McKinney area. For those of you not familiar with the area, the first shop would be Plano Cycling & Fitness. I'm not going to mention the second bike shop by name, because my opinion of them is somewhat less than that of Plano Cycling. But for our purposes here, we'll refer to that bike shop as RBM, (wink, wink).

We'll talk about how much attention you can expect from each of these bike shops, the type of attention you will receive, and how well they cater to the needs of their customers. Today, we'll talk about how much attention you get from each of these bike shops. Remember, these are my own person opinions, based on my factual experiences. (PLEASE, don't anyone sue me.)

I defy you to walk into Plano Cycling and Fitness, spend any amount of time there at all, and not have someone ask you if you need any help. And if all you want to do is just look around, all you have to do is say so, and they'll leave you alone. One day I stopped by to pickup a copy of a cycling magazine. Already knowing where the magazine racks were, I walked in, went straight to the magazines, saw that they were sold out of the magazine that I was looking for, so I turned around and walked out. As I was getting into my car, one of the salesmen came running out of the store into the parking lot after me. Thinking that I was about to be arrested for shoplifting, I prepared to defend myself and assumed a classic karate stance. I have literally no karate training, but I am big, and sometimes being big is enough. In actuality, he only wanted to make sure that I had found what I was looking for, but I'm pretty sure that I scared the hell out of him.

Now contrast that with my first experience at RBM. Seven years ago I was looking to buy my first bike. Being inexperienced and not knowing any better, I went to RBM. I walked around for an hour, literally with my checkbook in my hand looking at bikes. No one said a word to me. Being understandably upset, I left. The next Saturday, I decided to give them another chance, so I went back. One lonely hour later, with no one to talk to, I once again stormed out, swearing to never darken their door again.

It took me a while, but I finally figured out why I couldn't get anyone to help me. As a new cyclist, I was looking at the relatively cheap bikes. In my opinion, no one was interested in selling me a $500.00 bicycle. On both days I was there, there were plenty of sales people around. I could see them all over by the $2,000.00+ bicycles.

You shouldn't have to spend $2,000.00, or $3,000.00, or more on a bike to get good customer service. Over the last seven years, I've probably spend $10,000.00 to $15,000.00 on bicycles and bicycling related stuff. If RBM had expressed any interest at all in selling me that first $500.00 bicycle, I probably would have spent a good portion of that money there. But they didn't, so I haven't.

Next time, we'll discuss the type of service you can expect from each of these shops. Until then, I'll be retaining legal council.

(I have nothing. You'd be wasting your time by suing me. Please leave me alone.)

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Is it cold, or is it just me

2008-11-06T21:13:00.005-06:00

Now that we're into November, it's kind of a sad time for the enthusiastic road cyclist here in Texas. This is the sad time of the year when it starts getting too cold to ride outdoors. Once again, those readers who live in Colorado, or Utah, of Montana, probably consider we Texans to be the ultimate weather weenies. To those people I say, meet me in Wichita Falls, TX next August, when the temperature is 105 degrees, and ride 100 miles with me at the Hotter-n-Hell 100. Then you can call me a weather weenie. Everything is relative.

This is that frustrating time of the year when we still get those days from time to time where the weather is just perfect for a bike ride, but more and more, we get those days that it's either too cold, or too windy, or both. Oh sure, we all say to ourselves, "I can ride in this. This is why I bought all of that cold weather gear. So I can get out and ride in just this type of weather". For me, that devil-may-care attitude typically last about 3 or 4 really cold rides. There's just something especially miserable about your snot freezing to your upper lip, and the sharp stabbing pain that you get in your toes when they get really cold. After I endure those types of rides a few times, I'm generally ready to start exploring my other options as far as riding goes. At that point we're left with one of three choices; bundle up and ride outdoors anyway, head inside and spin, or not ride at all.

Not riding at all really isn't an option, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time discussing it. I think I've mentioned before that there was a time when I could have politely been described as "hefty". "Big Boned" is a phrase that had been used to describe me in the past as well. There was one year where I gained 25 pounds of bone. My problem was that I really enjoyed food. That's a problem that I haven't completely conquered yet. But since I ride my bike pretty much every day, then eating like it's the last day to eat for free really isn't a problem. I take the mantra of "ride to eat" very seriously. So not riding at all for 4 or 5 months just isn't doable.

Next option is too bundle up and ride outdoors anyway. This is an option that I do take from time to time. Usually, it's when a group of us from Team Bikin' get the itch to get back out on the open road again, and that's typically when it's been just long enough for us to forget just how miserable we were last time we road outside in the cold. I don't know about you, but if it's the slightest bit cold, my nose starts running like my brain is melting. This leads to all sorts of uncomfortable situations, especially when riding in a nice, tight pace line. Please see my posting on riding etiquette, Specifically, see Rule #5. Along with these mucus problems, I face another problem with riding on a particularly cold day. When riding on a really cold day, the only time I really feel warm is when I'm on the bike and pedaling. So stopping and resting, and allowing myself to get cold again is not something I look forward to. That puts me between a rock and hard place. Call me undedicated if you must, but I generally enjoy stopping from time to time and resting. Being caught between wanting to stop and rest, and not wanting to stop and get cold, complicates things for me. Most people who know me will tell you that I try and keep my life as simple as possible.

That leaves us with spinning indoors. For the past several years, that means riding in Bikin' Mike's spin classes from around the first of November, pretty much thru the end on March. I should say right now, that Mike does a great job leading his spin classes. He has a plan to keep everyone as fit as possible thru the winter, but more importantly, he makes the classes as fun and as entertaining as they can be. The important phrase in that last sentence is "as they can be". There's only so much that Mike can do. No matter how fun and entertaining he makes the classes, they're still not going to be as much fun as riding down a quite back road, on a beautiful spring day. After four months of staring at the same four walls and watching the puddle of sweat grow on the mat underneath the guy spinning next to you, it's easy to see how someone could forget just how miserable they were the last time they rode out in the cold.

A quick aside here. It never ceases to amaze me how the girls in the spin class don't seem to sweat. Me and most of the guys in the class are just sweating like we're spinning on the surface of the sun, and I look over at the girl on the bike next to me, and her makeup isn't even smudged.

These are the kind of things that I wonder about.

Anyway, how long is it until April?

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Technical details, or lack thereof

2008-11-04T20:27:00.005-06:00

I have a confession to make. This is actually quite embarrassing. It's a shame that I've been living with for the better part of 7 years now. A burden that I've been carrying, and I figure that it's time I put it down. Here it goes.

I really don't know anything about bicycles.

All those times when the really cool bicyclist are standing around and talking about "crank lengths", and "ceramic ball bearings", and "top tube lengths", and I've been standing there nodding my head with a real serious look on my face. All that time, I've had literally no idea what your talking about.

I can change a flat. I can re-wrap my handle bars. I can.....let's see, I can....... Well, I guess that just about all I can do when it comes to maintaining a bike. Oh, I can also wash, degrease, and re-lube my bike. But other than that, I'm pretty much taking the bike to my local bike shop.

It's not that I don't want to learn. I would love to be able to stand around with the cool cyclist and talk about all of that cool stuff that I mentioned before. And it's not that I'm incapable of learning. There's probably some very serious doubt that I'll ever split the atom, but I would consider myself to be of above average intelligence. I guess if I really was a moron, I wouldn't be smart enough to know that I wasn't that smart. But trust me, I'm fairly intelligent.

So despite what my 9 year old son might tell you, I'm not stupid. No, my problem with learning even the most basic of bicycle care is two fold. The first thing holding me back from performing my own bicycle repairs is laziness. I believe that I have made it fairly clear in past postings, that I am a notoriously lazy person. While it might actually be really fun to go out and work on my bike, I would just assume to fork over the money and pay someone else to do it. The way I see it, I'm supporting the local economy. I'm helping to pay someones salary. If we all took it upon ourselves to do things that we could just as easily pay others to do, the whole economy could collapse. I'm not being lazy. By God, I'm being patriotic. No need to thank me. Just trying to do my part.

The second thing that keeps me from learning just some basic bicycle repair, would be fear. I am terrified that I will take something apart, and not be able to get it together again. I'm also afraid of the embarrassment of having to take the remains of my bicycle into my local bike shop, along with a box of parts, and sheepishly ask them to put it back together for me. If they're going to have to put it together for me anyway, let the lazy SOB's take it apart too. No sense in me doing half the work for them.

So you might be asking yourself, "if he doesn't know anything about bikes, what does he do when it comes time to go shopping for a bike"? I have developed a very simple philosophy for looking for a new bike. I shop for a pretty bike. I look for a bike that I think I would look really cool riding on. Black is my color of choice. I currently ride a black Trek 2300, with black & silver wheels, black and silver tires, black handle bar tape, and a black and silver saddle. I even have black and silver carbon bottle holders. This bike is b*tch*n. I look like I'm going 60 mph on it.

I was recently flipping through a recent issue of "Road" magazine, when I instantly fell in love with an Issac bike. I have no idea about what it's made of, or the components on it, or the aerodynamics of it. I don't know what kind of reputation Issac has as far as making a good quality bike. I don't even know what one cost. All I know is that it looks really good. I can't even begin to image how good I would look riding it. A bike that pretty, just has to be a good bike.

So the next time all of you cool guys get together and talk about all that technical stuff on your bikes, I'll just stand there and pretend to be really interested in what your saying. Not only do I not have any idea what your talking about, I really don't care. The only thing I need to know is, does it come in black?

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

The sweet escape...a weekend in Paris

2008-10-27T20:59:00.003-05:00

Once again, I'm very sorry my post have been a little far and few between over the last couple of weeks. Things have gotten a little crazy at my real job. Yes, I actually have a "real" job. Surprisingly, it's very hard to make ends meet by writing a free blog.

In addition to having to actually "work" for a living, this was the big weekend of our annual two day Pedal-2-Paris bike ride. That's right, I actually spent a romantic weekend in Paris. Now, I don't suppose it would take any of the luster off of it if I mentioned that it was Paris Texas, not Paris France. I suppose it would, but we had a good time anyway.

Once again, I know I'm opening myself up to ridicule from those readers who live in parts of the country were it really does get cold, but here in Texas, it was cold when we left for Paris Saturday morning. By cold, I mean it was 39 degrees at our 8:00am start. You know how at the start of long rides, or multi-day rides, everyone's excited, and talking, and laughing. Well, there wasn't a lot of that going on at the start of this ride. We were all too busy trying to keep our snot from freezing to our upper lips. As the day went on, it warmed right on up, and we were quickly shedding knee warmers, and jackets, and gloves. By noon, we were all generally in our usual shorts and jerseys.

The ride itself was very peaceful. We were mostly on those back country Texas roads, were you'll see about 1 car every fifteen minutes or so. We actually spent more time counting the wildlife we saw, than the cars we saw. And I'm using the term "wildlife" in it's broadest definition. For the purposes of this discussion, cows are wildlife. Horses are wildlife. In addition to the herds of the wild North Texas cows and horses, we also saw buffalo, and a coyote, several deer, and more buzzards than I really felt comfortable with. When you're 5 hours into a bike ride and you're just really tired, the last thing you want to see is some buzzard staring at you, with that "so how you feeling" look in his eyes.

Once we got to Paris, we loaded up the bikes in our support vans, and drove straight to downtown Paris, for the Pumpkin Festival, or as it's pronounced here in Texas, the Punkin Festival. Doesn't the phrase "downtown Paris" sound exotic and romantic? Well, when you actually get there, it's not quite as exotic as you imagine. Anyway, we figured it was better to go ahead and go to the festival before we checked into the hotel, because if we went to the hotel first, we probably wouldn't leave again until it was time to head back to McKinney on Sunday morning.

After a quick lap around the Paris town square, we went to the local Italian restaurant for dinner. The phrase "the local Italian restaurant" can probably be taken literally. After that, it was off to the hotel. After icing down everything that hurt, (it would probably be easier to list everything that didn't hurt, so I won't actually list the things that hurt), it was bed time.

The second day of the ride was a little more exciting than the first. I try not to complain about the weather, but I feel better when I do, so I complain quite often. I should probably feel guilty about complaining about the weather this past weekend, because on the whole, the weather was absolutely great. Both days started out cold, but warmed up to the mid 70's quickly. Blue skies were the order of both days. The winds on Saturday, were out of the Northeast, but only at 4 or 5 mph, so you hardly noticed it. However, unfortunately for us, on Sunday, the wind switched around to the South, which just happened to be the direction we were riding in.

Like I said, I try not to complain about the weather, but this is the second year in a row, were we've had a headwind both days. You'd think that, by shear luck, we'd have a tail wind just one day out of four. But no, the cycling gods didn't see fit to provide us with anything but a headwind. After about 50 miles on Sunday of riding directly into a 15 to 20 mph headwind, we had stopped for lunch and were just about ready to call it a day, when Bikin Mike Keel had an epiphany. As he stood looking at our two support vans that were going to drive us home, he had a stroke of genius. If we just wanted to get our miles in, what difference does it make what direction we're riding in. We all stood there looking at each other for a minute or two, and we suddenly realized what this meant. No more killing ourselves riding into the wind. We could just turn around, ride back towards Paris, with the wind, for the last 25 miles, finish up, and go home. This was brilliant. With the utterance of that one phrase, Mike had saved the day. That last 25 miles was like a dream, a 25 mile team time trial.

With the completion of the Pedal-2-Paris, our outdoor cycling season pretty much comes to an end. We'll get out for an occasional ride when the weather permits, but for the most part, we'll be in Bikin' Mike's spin studio four or five days a week. We'll talk about that a little more in the weeks to come.

On a completely different matter, this past week, the Nearly Famous Fred Cycling blog had a milestone event. We had our first confirmed reader from outside my immediate circle of friends. A very nice lady from Carlsbad CA left a very nice comment on my post about cyclist vs runners vs triathletes, confirming my suspicion that all triathletes were indeed crazy. That's one.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Lazy Man's Guide to Hill Climbing

2008-10-20T21:12:00.006-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been a little busy around here.

Still trying to get ready for the upcoming Pedal-2-Paris bike ride, coming up this weekend. Towards that end, I made the drive over to Mineral Wells, TX this weekend for the Kiwanis Crazy Kicker Bike ride. This was a really good ride, with a lot of very scenic countryside to ride through. For those of you from Montana or Colorado, you probably wouldn't think that it was that scenic, but for these parts, it was very pretty. And also, very hilly. Again, for those from different areas of the country, you would probably laugh at what we Texans thought was hilly. Kind of the same way we laugh at you when we here you complaining about the heat, when it's 90 degrees outside. Come talk to us about the heat when you break triple digits. But, since everything is relative, this was a very "mountainous" bike ride.

I did the 100k ride, which by my computer, turned out to be 67 miles instead of 62 miles. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but when those extra 5 miles come at the end of the ride, after you've been climbing hills all day long, believe me when I say they matter. If they could somehow slip those extra five miles into the middle of the ride, they'd be a lot less bothersome. But it never fails, the extra 5 miles always come at the end of the ride.

Anyway, while climbing what had to the the 25th hill of the day, I made a surprising discover. That after you climb that many hills, there comes a point where you really don't seem to notice the hills anymore. During the first part of the ride, as you approach the hill, that sense of dread starts creeping in. As you start the actual climb, you begin to feel the burning in your legs, and the closer you get to the top, the more and more it burns. But after a couple of hours of this, a rather pleasant thing starts to happen. The sense of dread doesn't seem as strong anymore. The burning in your legs doesn't seem as intense anymore either. This is either due to hypoxia, (not enough oxygen getting to the brain), or something else.

I think it is due to something else, and not surprisingly, I have a theory as to what that something else might be. Actually, it probably is due, at least in part, to hypoxia. But also something else. It goes to what I have dubbed my "standing in the rain" theory. If you go outside and stand in a driving rain for 10 minutes, you might as well just stand out there for another hour. You're not going to get any wetter. After ten minutes, you're as wet as you're going to be after an hour. I think the same is true to cycling, and particularly, hill climbing. There comes a point of saturation, when you're as tired as you're going to get. From that point on, it's just a matter of replacing fuel and water. As long as you don't just run out of fuel and bonk, according to my theory, you should be able to just keep riding.

I've always enjoyed climbing hills. Maybe that's because I'm such a lousy sprinter. That's not to say that I'm a great hill climber. I just said I enjoy it, not that I'm good at it. Not to toot my own horn, (oh hell, I'll just toot away), I've only ever had to walk 1 hill in my life. And I've climbed hills in Northern California and Montana. Let me let you in on my 3 secrets to getting up a hill. Now notice that I didn't say get up a hill quickly. If you're looking to get up Alpe d'Huez in 37 minutes, you are REALLY talking to the wrong guy. But if you aren't late for anything, I can get you to the top.

First rule is to be careful where you look. Don't look at your cycle computer. It's only going to show you how slow you are going. Don't look at your heart rate monitor. It's only going to show you how tired you are. And whatever you do, for the love of God, don't look up the hill. That's only going to show you how far you still have to go, and how steep it is. You should look at the road, about 6 feet in front of your bike. From where you are to there, it really doesn't seem that steep. Just keep pedaling, and when it starts to get easier, you're getting close to the top.

Speaking of just keep pedaling, that's the second rule. No matter what happens, just keep pedaling. I know that sounds simple, but if you've spent any time at all reading this blog, you'll understand that "simple" is right in my wheelhouse. As simple as it may sound, "just keep pedaling" actually works. Left foot over the right, right foot over the left, repeat as necessary. As long as you don't stop pedaling, the laws of physics say that you will eventually reach the top of the hill.

The third and final secret is also quite simple. Climb every hill you can find. This summer I was out on a ride, and the group I was riding with came to a point in the ride where you could turn left, and ride the hilly part of the ride to the finish. Or you could go straight, and do the flatter part of the ride to the finish. One of the guys I was riding with said that he wasn't a very good hill climber, so he was going to take the flatter option. I thought to myself, "now that's an interesting training strategy". Get stronger at climbing hills, by avoiding climbing hills. If you want to become a better hill climber, there's only one way to do it. Climb more hills.

Now, on a more serious note. If any of you are readers of The Fat Cyclist blog, you are probably aware that his wife Susan, has been battling a recurrence of cancer. Well, according to Fatty's blog posting today, it seems that things took a turn for the worse over the weekend. Susan was having problems breathing Sunday night, and required an ambulance trip to the hospital. That's all we know for now, but Fatty said that he'd post more info as soon as it was available. I know from reading Fatty's blog that he always reads the comments left by his readers. I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you left a good word for him and Susan. You can click here to go to The Fat Cyclist. Please keep a good thought for Susan, Fatty, and their kids. Win Susan!

Peace out....Nearly Famous Fred

Vive, le diff'erance! Except for those damn triathletes

2008-10-15T20:18:00.004-05:00

When it comes to getting to know new people, I will be the first to admit that I tend to be a little standoffish. To really tell the truth, I generally avoid new people like the plague. I don't know if I'm just getting more and more cranky as I get older, or if I'm just lazy. I really don't want to put forth the effort it takes to get to know someone new. For those people that I've gotten to know in the recent few years, you should feel pretty good about yourself, in that you seemed interesting enough that I chose to put in the work. As I said, I'm raising laziness to never before seen heights.

I mention the above, because in today's post, I will attempt to compare and contrast the differences between cyclist, runners, and that most unusual of enthusiast, the triathlete. And since I don't meet a whole lot of new people, most of the opinions that I will express here today, are derived more from observation, than actual face-to-face interaction. Matter of fact, most of the runners and triathletes that I do know, are actual cyclist who also run and swim. So we're talking about a very shallow pool that these opinions have been developed from. I freely admit that the opinions expressed here might be completely unfair generalizations, quite possibly wrong, and even actually mean. But that's all I have to go on, so get over it.

From what I can see, cyclist tend to be a very social group. At least the cyclist that I hang out with are. Actually, if we didn't "hang out" together, I probably wouldn't think they were very social. It's kind of a catch-22 thing. We're social because we hang out, and we hang out because we're social. But anyway, this seems to be true amongst a large percentage of the cyclist that I see. At local bike rallies, the after-ride activities are almost as important as the ride itself. If you read some of the bike rally reviews on bicycle-stuff.com, there seems to be as many comments about the food and festivities after the ride, as there are about the ride itself.

Bicyclist seem to be generally happier than their running counterparts. From time to time, I'll go out and ride around White Rock Lake here in Dallas. This is an area also frequented by a lot of runners. While the cyclist seemed to be really enjoying themselves, the runners typically look like someone just shot their dogs. I see them going by, their foreheads all furrowed, running like their late for a funeral. On the other hand, the cyclist are riding along, usually chatting with the other cyclist around them, without a care in the world, except for trying not to run into the runners who seem to be in the clutches of a oxygen debt induced fog.

Another difference that I've noticed, is that for the most part, runners seem to be a lot more intense about running, than cyclist are about cycling. You see runners out running in their little tank tops and running shorts, constantly checking their stop watch/wrist watches, to see if their pace has fallen off by a tenth of a mph. When I'm out on a bike ride, I usually don't check my average speed until after the ride is over. But like I said, laziness is an art form for me.

A perfect example of this intensity comes from the wife of a friend of mine. Due to knee problems, she switched from running to cycling. So she's at her first bike rally ever, and she arrives at the first break point. Now for those of us who have been cycling for a while, when we get to a rest stop, we coast in and come to a stop, gently lay our bikes down, and casually walk over to the food tables. We get something to eat and drink, and after 5 minutes or so of making small talk with the other cyclist, we'll casually walk back to our bikes, get back on, and ride off. But that's not how the converted runner does it. She flies into the break point, jumps off her still rolling bike, runs over to the food table, slams a couple of glasses of gator-aid, shoves a couple of cookies in her mouth, sprints back to her bike, the wheels still spinning as it lays on the ground, jumps back on and flies back onto the road, possibly running over cats and small children as she goes, but never slowing down. She said it took several bike rallies for her to realize that the person who finishes first, gets the same crap*y t-shirt as the person who finishes last.

I haven't talked about triathletes yet because, quite frankly, I really don't understand them. In a prior post, I mentioned that triathletes should hereto after be referred to as "crazy people". If you think I'm going to apologize for saying that, you've got another think coming. While I certainly admire the dedication that it takes to complete a full triathlon, actually doing so has to be one of the dumbest things that I've ever heard of. And I've heard all the arguments about pushing yourself beyond what you think you can do, and the joy of accomplishing something that seemed impossible, and blah blah blah. To quote the great Gene Wilder in the movie Young Frankenstein, (quite possibly the funniest movie ever made), "your listening to the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind". I personally think that breaking all of my knuckles with a hammer is something beyond what I thought I could ever due, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to start training myself to do it. Just because you can do something, doesn't necessarily mean that you should.

I'm hardly a unbiased judge on this, but it just seems to me that cyclist are the happier and more relaxed group of the three we've discussed here today. I'm sure that runners think their happy, but they sure don't look like it. And triathletes, who knows what the hell their thinking.

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

Next year will be different, probably

2008-10-13T21:00:00.003-05:00

As we get into mid-October now, the outdoor cycling season is starting to wind down. Generally, when the temperature dips below 60, we Texans will consider that too cold for cycling outdoors. At least on a regular basis. Really, I'm not kidding. Around the end of October, first of November, most of us head indoors and start riding spin classes for the next 5 months. We occasionally will venture back outside for a ride once in a while, but that only serves to remind us why we headed indoors to begin with. After a quickly shortened ride, we usually wind up at the nearest restaurant, and/or bar, eating and drinking something to warm us, swearing that we now realize just how bad an idea that was, and that we'll never do it again.

Those of you who live in areas were the temperature generally doesn't get above 50 degrees for those 5 months, probably find that very funny. For you people, you just bundle up and pedal through the ice, and the snow, and the frostbite, and the hypothermia. Now read that last sentence again.....when you say it out loud like that, it's sounds kind of crazy, doesn't it. So while your laughing at us for heading indoors, trust me when I say, we're laughing just as hard at you for staying outdoors.

For me, the ride that symbolizes the end of the outdoor season, is our annual Pedal-2-Paris bike ride. I say annual, as this is the second year in a row that we've done this ride. Like I said, annual. We start on a Saturday, in a small town just north of McKinney called Blue Ridge, TX, and we ride about 75 miles to Paris, TX. I was sure to add the "TX" to that, just to be sure that you didn't confuse it with the Paris in France. Because you know, people are always getting those two confused. Then on Sunday, we turn around and ride back.

It should be said that our Pedal-2-Paris ride, (or the P2P as we like to call it because we think it sounds cool and somehow chicks will dig us), does not hit the bright lights of the big cities. If the entire membership of Team Bikin' shows up in Blue Ridge for the start of the ride, we have just about increased the population by 25%. Once we leave Blue Ridge, we won't see a town that "large" until we get to Paris. Along the way, we'll hit the thriving metropolis' of Frognot, Celeste, Ladonia, and Pecan Gap, just to name a few. This year we're in for a special treat as when we get to Paris, we'll be arriving just in time for the annual Pumpkin Festival. After the debauchery of that, I don't know if we'll be in any sort of shape to ride back on Sunday.

As with the end of every cycling season, I'll make my usual promises to myself. Those would be that I'm going to ride more, ride harder, ride more consistently next year. That next year, I'm going to find a bike rally to ride every weekend from the first of April, thru the end of October, and I'm not going to let trivial things like work, family, health, or anything else keep me from riding.

Yea, right. I'll be sure to let you know how that works out.

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

So how do you like me so far

2008-10-09T22:22:00.003-05:00

Well, how do you think it's going? We're about 4 weeks into this blog now, and I've discovered a few thing about myself already. Some of these things, I'm really not surprised by, and some of them, I'm just shocked by.

The first surprising thing I've figured out; this isn't as easy as you might think it is. It only took me about a week to discover that sitting down in front of a keyboard and coming up with something to write about EVERY NIGHT can sometimes be a daunting task. If you're a regular reader of this blog, and how could you not be, then you probably noticed that the frequency of my postings has slowed down a little since that first week. For the first week, I think I posted just about every night. But after that, it started getting harder and harder to think of something to write about. Or to be more precise, something interesting to write about. So it was at that point that I figured that I might want to post every other night, (Mon, Wed, & Fri). Don't get me wrong, if I wanted to write every night, I could write something, but not anything that you would really want to read.

While it might be difficult to find something interesting to write about sometimes, the actual writing doesn't seem that hard. If I find something that I'm really interested in, it just seems to flow, and the next thing you know, it's done. I was reading some of The Fat Cyclist old blogs, and he said that when he writes, he writes like he's writing for his six best friends. I was actually insanely jealous when I read this, since I'm not sure I have six friends to write to. So more out of necessity than anything else, I take the opposite path. I write like I'm talking to a complete stranger, who's never met me, or anyone I ride with, and has never spent any significant time in the D/FW area. This actually helps me, as most of my friends have heard a lot of these thoughts and opinions already. By writing to strangers, I get to express my unsolicited opinions to a whole new crop of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders.

What hasn't come as a surprise to me, is that I don't seem to have any problem expressing myself. In reading over some of my old postings, I seem to "express" a lot. Feel free to substitute "complain" for "express" in that last sentence. That's something I'll try not to do too much of. By the way, for our purposes here, the term "old", when referring to my old postings, is actually about 21 days. Old is a relative term.

I'm a little disappointed that I haven't received any products to review yet. If you recall, in one of my first postings, I requested, if not begged for, any products that you would like reviewed. Well so far I haven't received anything. What's the point of doing something like this, if I don't receive any sort of free swag for my efforts. Oh sure, some will say that the joy of doing this should come from the pleasure I get in passing along any nuggets of wisdom that I might have to my readers. Well, that's a good idea, but there's more than just a few fundamental problems with that theory. The first, and most glaring problem, is that it assumes that I have any sort of "wisdom" to be passed along. My writings can be described in a lot of ways, but I don't think they've ever been described as just chocked full of wisdom. The second problem with that theory is that even if I did have any sort of wisdom, the desire to get some sort of freebie would supersede any desire to pass that wisdom along. I'm really just not that deep. But you probably already knew that.

So anyway, I think things are going just great. The blog seems to be growing a little bit of a following. I actually seem to enjoy writing it. I haven't gotten sued yet. And, quite surprisingly, I haven't seemed to have attracted any sort of "groupies", if you know what I mean. But there's always hope. Now if you people would just get with it and send me some free stuff, this would be perfect.

Peace out......Nearly Famous Fred

Dopers s*ck

2008-10-07T19:45:00.006-05:00

It seems that every day, another story breaks about another pro cyclist who gets caught doping. In just the last week it has been announced that Stephan Schumacher and Leonardo Piepoli both tested positive at this years Tour de France. That's in addition to Ricardo Ricco, who was booted during the tour. Given all of the testing that goes on in cycling, in particular at the Tour de France, and the likelihood that they'll get caught, one has to wonder why they do it. I've developed a couple of theories.

Just so you are aware of what kind of testing goes on, a professional cyclist is subject to a random drug test, anytime and anywhere. I mean that literally. During competition or out of competition, they have to let the drug testing people know where they are going to be 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. In his first book, Lance Armstrong tells how his wife was in labor, and as they were headed out the door for the hospital, who do they run into but the doping control people, wanting a urine sample. They didn't make Lance give a sample before they left, but they did follow them to the hospital and collected a sample once they got checked in.

So, given that kind of scrutiny, the first theory that I have developed seems somewhat obvious. Cyclist just can't be that smart. Now as a cyclist myself, this is somewhat troubling. While there's always been some doubt that I'd ever split the atom, I always considered myself to be a somewhat intelligent person. On the other hand, if I were a moron, I probably wouldn't be smart enough to know it.

Anyway, a significant lack of intelligence would certainly explain some of the behavior that we have seen in pro cycling the last few years. At this years Tour, before he tested positive and got kicked out, when Ricardo Ricco saw the drug control people waiting for him, he actually just ran away and hid. Yea, that ought to do it. I'm sure they just wouldn't come back later and test him then. Not surprisingly, they eventually found him, tested him, and kicked him out of the tour. Not the actions of a mental giant.

Frank Schleck is currently under investigation for sending $10,000.00 to the bank account of a doctor who has been barred from having any association with pro cyclist, because of his past history of providing them with performance enhancing drugs. Under questioning about this, Mr Schleck's well thought out and plausible explanation was that he didn't know who he was sending the money too. Now we've all done that haven't we? Just sent $10,000.00 to a bank account, without knowing who it was for. Again, doesn't sound like a smart man.

Since theory #1 is so depressing, I've come up with a second theory. Instead of being incredibly stupid, cyclist are actually incredibly sensitive to what other people think about them. They just want people to think that they're great cyclist. When Ricardo Ricco was winning those stages of the Tour de France last year, he knew he was a cheater, and that the performance enhancing drugs were the primary reason that he was able to ride like he did. He knew he wasn't as good a rider as he was riding. But it was important to him that everyone thought he was that good.

In a weird, twisted kind of way, that's actually kind of sweet. In a strange way, I'm actually kind of flattered that Ricardo was that concerned about what I thought about him. My opinion matter so much to him, that he was willing to risk his whole career, just so I would think that he was a great cyclist.

So, to the Ricardo's, and the Stephan's, and Frank's, and anyone else out there who's thinking of taking performance enhancing drugs just to impress me, let me state for the record that I won't think any less of you if you don't win. You're allowed to be human. It may come as a surprise to you, but most of my cycling friends couldn't climb Alpe d'Huez in 37 minutes either. But I like them anyway. Most of the cyclist I know, couldn't maintain a 33 mph average for a 45k time trial, but I still like to ride with them. If those big bad meanies in the pro peloton won't like you because you're not as fast as they are, you're welcome to ride with us. We'll love you anyway.

Here's a wild thought. If it's not stupidity or sensitivity to the opinions of others, then it's probably just the money.

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

Team Bikin': All dynasties have to begin somewhere

2008-10-03T21:34:00.004-05:00

Since the beginning of time, man has searched out others of his kind. Those who share the same interest, and have a common bond. Some say this is because there is comfort in a large group of people similar to you. In other words, no matter how insane something is, you never feel quite as dumb if your surrounded by others doing the same insane thing.

This has never been more true than when it comes to a bicycling club or team. I mean think about it. Riding a bicycle on the same roads that are used by 2,000 lbs cars, is not what most people would describe as a terribly smart way to spend one's time. There is strength in numbers. Even though we're not really any safer, I know I always feel safer riding in a group than by myself. So, for the most part, we as cyclist generally search out a group or team to ride with.

In my case, that group would be Team Bikin'. Now right from the start, you need to understand that Team Bikin' isn't what most people think of when they think of a cycling team. First of all, the word "team" implies some sort of disposition to ride "fast' and "race". Neither of these terms could ever be truthfully applied to Team Bikin'. And guess what, we like it that way.

Below is a picture of a good percentage of the team, taken at a recent group ride:

Now, I know what your thinking, how could the Tour De France ignore us yet again this year? Well, I'll tell you why the Tour De France is ignoring us, they're afraid of us. That's the only explanation that makes any sense. They're afraid that our little cycling club will dominate their race around France the same way that the Germans dominated France in 1943. The same way that mustard dominates a hot dog. The same way that sauerkraut dominates a Reuben sandwich. But I digress.

To say that Team Bikin has a bit of a relaxed attitude towards cycling, would be a gross understatement. While most cycling teams are dealing with topics like how to increase their average speed by .5 mph, or how to properly setup a left echelon, Team Bikin' is typically more occupied with figuring out where to eat lunch after the ride. "Eat to ride, ride to eat". That's sage advise and words to live by.

This is not to say that we're not serious about our cycling. Actually, that's exactly what it's saying. No, I'm wrong again. We are serious about our cycling, but not in the same way that most cycling teams are. Where most teams are obsessed with riding faster, we're more concerned with how we ride. We're deadly serious about riding legally and safely. We actually stop at stop signs and red lights. Yes, this tends to slow us down, but so what. We'll eventually get where we're going. I know, weird, huh? We also have a standing rule that no one rides alone. No matter how slow someone is, they always have someone to ride in with. No one gets dropped. The slowest rider in a group sets the pace for that group. Now, if one rider is slowing the whole group down, then we'll find another group for him/her to ride with. But as long as they are with a group, they don't get dropped.

If our little version of Team CSC has a leader, it would be Mike Keel, or Bikin' Mike, as he is known in these parts. (For those of you not from Texas, "in these parts" roughly translates to "around here".) Mike has been a cycling coach in the Dallas/Ft Worth area for about 30 years now. He runs a spin studio, does personal coaching and training, and produces three or four bike rides a year in the area. He is the driving force behind Team Bikin's philosophy of riding legally and safely. If you won't ride legally and safely, then you won't be riding with us for long. You will politely be told by Mike, that your presence is no longer required at our group rides. Or not so politely told, as the situation may warrant. Mike's just painfully shy that way.

Now, I want to be sure that I say this correctly. I don't want to offend anyone, so I'm going to choose my words very carefully. As a writer, I have a keen sense of how to say something, and a gift for tact. I have a wordsmith's grasp of the English language. I talk very goodly. OK, so here I go.

Mike Keel is short.

There, I've said it. I don't think I'm letting any great secret out of the bag here. Anyone who has ever met Mike, is aware that he is not a tall man, and I'm pretty sure that Mike is aware that he is what can be referred to as "vertically challenged". He is not of great physical size. But what he lacks in physical size, he more than makes up for in presence, stature, and heart. He spends a great deal of his time volunteering with charitable groups in the area. Just about any bike ride that Mike produces, is going to have a charitable beneficiary. And once Mike considers you his friend, there's nothing that he won't do for you. Oh, by the way, he's one of the strongest cyclist that I've ever ridden with.

So, is there reason to believe that Team Bikin' will not receive a wild card invitation to next years Tour de France? Probably. And we'll probably never be confused with the Garmin/Chipotle Team out on the road. But that's OK with us. We'll continue to ride at our own pace, finishing closer to the end of the peloton than the beginning. Again, that's OK with us. But we will finish, safely and together.

Now, where's lunch?

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

I'm just trying to understand

2008-10-01T22:03:00.003-05:00

In the last couple of post, we have discussed the proper etiquette for bicyclist, in relation to other cyclist, and in relation to cars. It is with great trepidation that tonight, we attempt to discuss what we can and should expect in the way of manners from cars and their drivers, in relation to bicycles.

I should qualify the remarks that follow by saying that they are based solely on my own experiences out on the road. But statistically speaking, I believe that people who drive their cars around cyclist must have a better sense of humor than the average person driving down the road. I say this because they seem to always have some sort of prank or game that they just have to play on any cyclist they happen to encounter. My particular favorite is the "lets scream as loud as we can as we go by the cyclist" game. Another good one is the "even though we've got two other lanes to use, let's go by the cyclist just a little closer than we have to" game. I can't really explain what motivates otherwise normal, friendly, and law abiding people to act the way they do in their cars when they get near bicyclist. My best guess would be, unless they screw up and actually run over a cyclist, their really isn't any chance that they will suffer any sort of consequences for their actions. As cyclist, we all hope that by some miracle, we catch up with them at the next red light, but they always seem to disappear.

From a cyclist point of view, my wish, ney call it a dream if you will, is simply this; I wish car drivers would treat me and my bicycle like any other vehicle on the road. All be it, a somewhat slower vehicle, but just another vehicle. I have modest dreams, so that's really all I want. Give me the same room that you would give another car. If you're going to pass me, (and given that I'm usually going a quarter of the speed that you are, you probably will), then wait until the traffic has cleared before you try and pass me. Don't try and slide by in the same lane that I'm in. Wait until it clears and pull out into the next lane and pass. Just like you would pass any car on the road. You certainly wouldn't try to pass a car without using the the next lane. So why would you try and pass me like that.

There's something that I've been needing to say to automobile drivers out there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I sometimes hold you up out on the road. I know it doesn't look like it, but I actually am going as fast as I can. I'm sorry that you aren't able to get to where your going, as fast as you would have if me and my bicycle weren't out on the road. If I hadn't been out there, you probably would have gotten to your destination 20, maybe even 30 seconds quicker than if you hadn't been held up by me. Quite frankly, I don't think there's a jury in the world who would hold it against you for just running me over. At least not a jury in Dallas, TX. Shoot, I don't even think you can get a ticket for that any more in Dallas.

To you car drivers out there, the next time you get held up behind a bicyclist, really think about how long you are actually being delayed. If you really stop and notice, I bet it's not more than 30 seconds, max. Unless you're carrying an igloo cooler, and your late for a transplant operation, where could you possibly be going, that that 30 seconds is going to make any difference in your, or anyone else's life.

One day I was riding my bike on a two lane road, (two lanes in both directions). A car came by with a older gentleman, and I use the term "gentleman" liberally, and his wife. As he went by, a LOT closer than he needed to, he shouted out the window "Get out of the f**king road". As he went on by, I noticed that he had a bumper sticker on his car that said "My son proudly serves in Iraq". As I continued my ride, I wondered if he ever considered that I'm some one's son too. I wondered if he considered that I'm some one's husband. And most important of all, I wondered, as he was moving his car over so he could get as close to me as he possibly could, if he considered the fact that I might be some one's father. And while it would be a tragedy if something happened to his son in Iraq, it would be equally tragic if something happened to me, and my wife had to raise our son without me. It would be just as tragic if my son had to grow up without his father.

I think that's the real reason that some people in cars treat bicyclist the way they do. They don't think of the bicyclist as a person. They think of him as an object, an extension of the bicycle. They don't think about the fact that if they get too close to me and cause an accident, they aren't just effecting me. They're effecting my wife, and my son, and my parents, and my sisters.

So to all of you automobile drivers out there, who get such a laugh out of buzzing a bicyclist, or yelling something at a bicyclist, or even throwing something at the bicyclist, before you do it, stop for a second and try to imagine the person on that bicycle. Try and imagine the human turning those pedals. Better yet, try and imagine how you would feel if it was your father on that bike. Makes it a little harder to throw that coke bottle at him, doesn't it?

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

Why fight a fight that you know you are going to lose

2008-09-29T20:57:00.002-05:00

Continuing our discussion of proper cycling etiquette, today we will discuss how one should behave when coming in contact with an automobile.

Actually, that's a bit of a misstatement. If you're out riding your bike and you come in contact with a car, the proper course of action for you to take would be to fall off of your bike, lay on the ground, and bleed profusely. Feel free to sprinkle in as much cursing as you feel the situation calls for. What I should have said was, today we will discuss how one should behave when coming in close contact to people driving cars.

There is one thing that we as cyclist need to realize and accept if we are ever going to truly "share the road" with automobiles. This is that this isn't a fair fight. There are a lot more of them than there is of us. In case you haven't noticed, a large portion of them don't want us out there. It also saddens me to report that this is one of those cases were "might makes right". In one corner, we have Fred the cyclist and his bicycle, weighing a combined total of about 230 lbs. It should be noted at this time that his bicycle offers Fred almost no protection at all. In the other corner, we have Joe car driver, with his 2,000 lbs car wrapped comfortably around him. Joe's car protects him from almost any obstacle that he might encounter out on the road, including Fred and his bicycle. Who do you think is going to win this fight? The smart money is on Joe and his big shiny car. In any confrontation out on the road, Joe and his car are going to kick Fred's skinny butt every time. The first rule of cyclist vs automobile etiquette is this: Avoid confrontation at any cost. There is almost nothing to be gained by confronting a car driver. You might encounter an idiot in a truck out on the road, but if you antagonize him, well now you've got a p*ssed off idiot in a truck to deal with. I know this doesn't sound terribly brave, but soooooo what. In this fight, believe it when I say that a large percentage of the car drivers out there are going to be rooting for the cowardly automobile driver, and rooting against the brave cyclist on his bike. And the argument that "I'm just standing up for my legal rights" doesn't hold a lot of water for me. When you have that 2,000 lbs car parked on your chest, if it makes you feel better that you were legally right, well I'm glad for you. To tell the truth, it wouldn't make me feel that much better. Right or wrong, dead is dead.

As far as the rules of the road in relating to car drivers, they all fall under our previously discussed "be nice" philosophy. You might not know it, but Texas law states that cyclist riding on a two lane road, meaning only one lane of traffic in each direction, are required to single up and move to the right to allow the automobile traffic to pass. I say you might not know it based on the number of you I see riding down the middle of the road with cars stacked up behind you. Notice the use of the word "required" in that law. And to state the obvious, cyclist are required to stop at all stop signs and stop lights. And to state the ridiculously obvious, cyclist are required to wait at the light until it turns green. I actually had a conversation, (ok, a screaming argument), with another cyclist who firmly believed that all he was legally required to do was to stop at the red light. His claim was that once he stopped, he could go ahead and go when he felt it was safe. For the record, no. You have to wait until the light turns green before you go.

When thinking about how I should ride out on the road, I try and let this phrase be my guide, "Legally, safely, and courteously". I know that sounds like the title of some sort of after school special promoting safe sex to teenagers, but that's how we should try and behave out there. Ride legally, ride safely, and ride courteously.

Next post, we tread into dangerous waters, and attempt to discuss how car drivers should act towards us out there. It's either going to be very insightful, or just pathetically naive. Stay tuned to see which.

Peace out........Nearly Famous Fred

This hurts me more than it does you

2008-09-25T21:15:00.007-05:00

My wife will be the first to tell you that I am not the strict disciplinarian of our household. In our little domestic scene that we have going on here in McKinney, I am definitely the "good cop". Trish is almost always the one metering out most of the punishment that Michael has undoubtedly earned. I'm typically the one defending the boy. I mean, what do they expect? If you don't want kids hitting each other with hockey sticks, then don't hand out hockey sticks to a gym full of thirty 3rd grade boys. That just seems like common sense to me. What did they think was going to happen? So, while this pains me, you have left me no choice.

Over this past year of cycling, it has become apparent that a significant portion of you out there, have either never been taught proper cycling etiquette, you were taught but have since forgotten, or have chosen to ignore your teachings. While I am certainly not without sin, I'm going to go ahead and throw that first stone.

In this posting, we are going to speak specifically about your cycling etiquette towards other cyclist. In later postings, we'll talk about cyclist etiquette towards automobiles, and in the interest of equal time, we'll then speak to automobile etiquette towards cyclist.

I have certain Buddhist beliefs that I try and adhere to. One of the things that I like about Buddhism, is it's simplicity. If you want to boil Buddhism down to a single, simple rule, it would be "be nice". That's it, just "be nice". The same can be said about how to behave towards other bicyclist when your out riding. Just "be nice". I am of the belief that most of the worlds problems can be solved if people would follow my incredibly simple edict to "be nice".

Now, for those of you who require a little more detail in your instructions than that, then allow me to expand on my "be nice' mantra.

Rule #1 - Communicate with the cyclist around you. If you've ever been out on a bike ride, and you've become confused when someone rides by and announces "On your left", let me explain what they're doing. And apparently, the vast majority of you out there are unfamiliar with this phrase, given the responses that I have witnessed on the road when I have made this announcement. Those responses range from shock, to bewilderment, to out an out anger. The purpose of this announcement is to simply let you know that "I am approaching on your left and will be passing you momentarily. Please try and avoid doing anything sudden or stupid for the next few minutes". If someone makes this announcement in your general area, no action is required on your part other than to not do anything sudden or stupid. Another thing, for all of you fake TdF racers that I see out there, making the "On your left" announcement, does not require the slower cyclist in front of you to ride into the ditch and abandon their bikes, thereby clearing the road for you. And you can just save the condescending shaking of your head as you ride by for someone who gives a rat's behind. That type of behavior doesn't fall under my "be nice" guidelines. Another thing in the "communication" vein, when riding in a pace line or group, please call out and/or point out the oncoming road hazards to the cyclist behind you. You see, since they are behind you, they cannot see the hazards until it is much too late to do anything about it. And while no one appreciates the humor in hearing the "UNGH" sound that the cyclist behind you makes when he squarely hits the pot hole that you failed to call out, it's really just not a nice thing to do. Funny, but not nice.

Rule #2, Don't pass on the right. I can't tell you how many times I've had the cr*p scared out of me out on the road by someone who passes me on the right. I'm minding my own business, riding along on what I think is the right hand side of the road, when someone comes flying by me on the right, on the 4 inches of the pavement between me and the ditch. And they always seem to be riding in stealth mode. They silently slip up beside you on the right, not saying a word, so close that you can smell the last energy bar he ate on his breath. If for no other reason than to preserve my shattered nerves, please pass on the left. If you just have to be one of those guys who has to pass on the right, at least wear a bell or something so we can hear you coming.

Rule #3, Move to the right. Whenever possible, please ride to the right hand side of the road. For some reason, some of you out there seem to take great pleasure in riding as close as you possibly can to the yellow stripe. Let me let you in on a little secret. That puts you as close as you can get to the very dangerous oncoming traffic. For me, I try and keep as far away from the dangerous oncoming traffic as I possibly can. That's just that pesky survival instinct of mine kicking in again. Riding to the right also allows the faster riders to pass on the left. (Please see rule #2 for a detailed explanation as to why this is so important).

Rule #4, When riding in a paceline, be sure and take your pulls. There is absolutely nothing as aggravating as someone enjoying the pull of the paceline, who never seems to work their way up to the front, and put in a little effort of their own. I am reminded of a group ride I was participating in one summer. I was riding with Bikin Mike Keel and a group of somewhat inexperienced cyclist he was training for their first Hotter-n-Hell. This particular day, I was riding with Mike and one of the new cyclist. We were cruising along through the country side, me up front, Mike behind me, and the new cyclist sitting in enjoying the pull. I guess she had decided that she had ridden with us long enough, because she jumped out of the line and rode off on her own. No goodbye, no thanks for the pull, no anything. A couple of miles down the road, Mike and I rode up to her as she's waiting on the side of the road. We thought she might have had some sort of mechanical problem. But no, she was just waiting for us to catch up with her so we could pull her in the rest of the ride. Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say, we both explained to her in great detail what was wrong with what she had just done. The only time this rule can be violated, is when you are riding with a group of friends, and you have agreed ahead of time on how much work is expected of each of you. Even then, they're still going to resent you, and more than likely, talk about you behind your back.

For this last rule, I must caution those of you with an easily upset stomach, you might want to skip this one.

Rule #5, All snot rockets must be announced well in advance. For those of you not familiar with the term "snot rocket", allow me to explain. If you're like me, whenever you ride on a cold day, for some reason, your nose will start running. For me, the constant sniffing and sniffing, can become quite annoying. In order to clear your sinus's, without having to stop and blow you nose, you will need to master a maneuver referred to as launching a snot rocket. You should first turn your head to one side or the other. Then, taking you thumb, press one nostril closed. Finally, blow out through the other nostril as hard as you can, whereby you launch the "snot rocket". You then turn your head to the other side and repeat, thereby clearing the other nostril. The danger in this maneuver is to those who might be riding behind you. They are in the direct line of fire of the recently launched snot rocket. For the benefit of those riding behind you, you should announce the upcoming launch well in advance. This will give your fellow riders time to move themselves and their loved ones to higher ground. Anyone who has not been taking their pulls are fair game.

In the upcoming days, as promised, we'll discuss the proper way to behave towards the automobiles out on the road. And likewise, what kind of manners that automobile drivers should extend towards cyclist.

This was certainly a very high level overview of the proper etiquette that you should follow when out riding on the road. I hope it has been helpful. Now, don't make me do this again.

Peace out.......Nearly Famous Fred

Motivation - an elusive quarry

2008-09-24T20:35:00.002-05:00

I love riding my bike. No, I mean I really love riding my bike. I still don't think you understand. I really, really love riding my bike. Here's how much I love riding my bike. I think I have mentioned before that I have bad knees. One of the reason's I started riding a bike was because my knees were so bad. There was just no way that they would stand up to the pounding of running, or even walking. But, even as low impact on the knees as cycling is, I had to have two knee surgeries a couple of years ago. Before that, I rode for three years with knees that hurt so bad, after every ride I had to ice them and I was taking Advil by the handful. Just so you know, a "handful" is slightly higher than the recommended dosage. I eventually got a prescription from my doctor for some anti-inflammatories, which I still have to take to this day. For a while after the knee surgeries, my knees felt fine, but over the last year or so, they have started getting worse, and I can tell that I will eventually have to have them worked on again. Now a smart person might want to go ahead and give up the activity that was causing him so much pain. Having never been confused with a smart person, I can assure you that I will not be giving up cycling. In a crash a few years ago, I actually cracked my tail bone. For those of you who've ever had a broken tail bone, I don't have to tell you how much it hurts. For those of you who have missed out on that fun, you'd have to go through it to understand. Suffice to say, and for the record, it hurts. I missed a grand total on 1 spin class because of it. I had to sit on an inflatable donut at work for the next month, but I made five spin classes a week. That's how much I love riding my bike.

Which makes it so puzzling why it seems that lately, I've had a really hard time getting myself motivated to go out and ride. It's been everything I can do lately to make myself get dressed and go ride. Once I'm out there, I love it. Once I'm out there, I can't remember why I didn't want to go ride. But for the life of me, I have to force myself to go. The weather's been beautiful lately. Temperatures in the mid 80's. Light winds. This is the time of year that I should be just jumping on my bike every evening and hitting the road.

And not riding my bike, especially in the evening, is a real problem for me. For some reason, if I don't go out and ride when I get home, all I do is sit at home and eat. One minute I'll be watching TV, and the next thing I know, I'm in the pantry grazing for something to eat. We might have to move because apparently, this house makes me hungry.

So what's my problem. I actually think I know what's going on. It's my wife's fault. A few months ago, she decided that we needed to buy new living room furniture. I won't bore you with the details of the furniture shopping safaris that we went on, but just let it be known, there's some sort of magical force in a furniture store that literally sucks the will to live out of me. Ever wonder why a lot of furniture stores offer free coffee? It's so husbands don't drop dead all over the store.

In addition to the leather sofa and love seat that we bought, Trish thought it would be a good idea to buy a leather recliner. I know she thought she was being nice, and kind, and considerate, and thinking of me. Truth be told, this was the worst thing she could have done. That chair might just be the ruin of my cycling. Let me explain.

When I get home from work in the evening, I will typically go on a 20 mile bike ride. I try and do this just about every weekday. As much as I enjoy having beer bottles thrown at my head from passing cars, I'll usually wait until the afternoon traffic has cleared out a little before I head out on my ride. This means that I will often have an hour or so to kill before I leave. And what do I normally do with that hour. I sit in my big leather "man chair", as I have dubbed it, and relax. And when I say relax, I mean some serious, professional type relaxing. Not the rank amateur type of relaxing that you do. Oh no, no. I've raised relaxing to an art form. I take almost as much pride on my ability to relax, as I do as my skills in offering sarcasm. So once I get nestled down in that chair, nothing short of a fire is going to get me to abandon it without a fight. And frankly, it would probably have to be a pretty big fire.

So for you wives out there, while your hearts may be in the right place, don't think your doing your husbands any favors by buying them that recliner that they've always wanted. It's a trap. A devious, soothing, nap-inducing trap. You have been warned.

Peace out.........Nearly Famous Fred

For better or worse, Lance is returning

2008-09-23T21:26:00.003-05:00

I've purposefully held off on posting anything about Lance Armstrong's possible return to pro cycling because, frankly, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As much as I would love to see Lance race the TdF again, there is also a part of me who would really hate to see him go back and possibly fail.

One thing needs to be said right from the start. I have a huge, non-sexual man-crush on Lance. There, I've said it. I am secure enough in my own manhood that I can just come right out and say it. He is, without a doubt, my cycling hero. My copy of "It's Not About the Bike" is so worn and tattered, it's about to fall apart. It's highlighted and underlined the same way that many old family bibles are. Hanging in my garage is a quote from the book. It is the first paragraph of the last chapter:

Pain is temporary. It may last a moment, or a day, or a week, or a year. But it will eventually subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit however, it last forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with. Facing up to that question, and finding a way to go on is the real reward. Better than any yellow jersey or trophy.

I swear, if Trish hadn't almost divorced me after I got my first tattoo, I'd have that quote tattooed across my chest.

So why would Lance want to make a come back now. I've seen several theories regarding this. Ranging from the plausible, to the ridicules. One of the more plausible, offered by none other than The Fat Cyclist, was that Lance is not going to come back and ride for Astana, but is going to form his own LiveStrong Team, and hire away Johann Bruyneel to manage it. That especially make sense given the quotes from Alberto Cantador today, hinting that he would quit the Astana team if they rehired Armstrong. The most redicules theory would be the one speculating that Lance will buy the TdF itself. Can anyone actually envision the French selling the TdF to anyone, much less an American?

My own personal theory regarding Lance's possible return is quite simple. It would have to be simple if it was my theory. I believe that Lance is just bored stupid. He's sat around for 3 years, played a lot of golf, road in a few mountain bike races, and worked tirelessly for the LAF. He's dated every single blond in Hollywood, and hung out with Matthew McConaughey. Spending any significant time with McConaughey should be reason enough to drive anyone to escape to Europe. At least when he's on his bike, he can get away from Matthew. He's also sat around and watched the 3 TdF's that have been contested since he's been gone. He had to be thinking that he could have beaten these guys riding a recumbent, with one foot in a cast.

We already know how Alberto feels about Lance returning. How would this effect the rest of the cycling world? Levi has to be thinking that he's cursed. Next thing he knows, Eddie Merckx will want to come out of retirement and join the team. And the good folks at Versus have to be saying, "Wow, this selling your soul to the devil stuff really works!".

And that's the real point anyway. Weather Lance comes back and wins, or if he comes back and falls flat on his face, either way, it certainly won't be boring. Even the Lance haters out there will be glued to their TV's, just like the rest of us.

Later........Nearly Famous Fred

Ride Prep Part III - one final peek into my dementia

2008-09-22T20:34:00.004-05:00

Unlike The Fat Cyclist, I didn't get invited to speak at the Interbike Show in Las Vegas. I can only assume that this was some sort of Postal Service error. But since I have nothing else to do, I though I'd go ahead and wrap up our little series on what it's like for the obsessive compulsive cyclist to get ready and ride in your typical Saturday bike ride.

When we last spoke, we had gone through the process of washing the car, prepping the bike, actually packing, loading the car, and stoking up on way to much caffeine the morning of the ride. Now we actually get to depart for the bike ride. One of my more prized possessions is my new GPS unit that I got for my car. It's really quite amazing when you think about it. That all you have to do is enter an address, and this little box, along with a few dozen satellites, can tell where you are, where you want to go, and give you turn-by-turn directions on how to get there. As I understand it, the GPS system that we use today, was actually developed by the U.S. military. So you can imagine the millions, possibly billions of dollars that went into it's development and testing. Given all that, in addition to my GPS unit, I still print out Google maps to take with me. Ever since I saw "Independence Day", I've never really trusted any sort of satellite based technology. You never know when an alien life form is going to invade the earth, wipe out all of our satellites, and there I'd be lost on my way to Greenville Texas for a bike ride. But with my trusty Google maps, aliens be damned, I'd find my way to the ride.

Among the numerous things that you should know, but will probably never understand, about the Type A, obsessive compulsive cyclist, is that we absolutely hate to be rushed. Rushing leads to being hurried, and being hurried leads to things being left behind, or the ultimate sin, things getting lost. One year, I came back from the Hotter-n-Hell in Wichita Falls, and I had somehow lost a pair of gloves. I was positively clinically depressed for a month. These weren't even my favorite pair of gloves. But they were lost, and I had lost them.

It is this desire to avoid being rushed, that leads me to arrive quite early for your typical bike ride. Take this past Saturday's ride for example. The ride itself was scheduled to start at 9:00am. It's about a 45 minute drive from my house to Greenville. I got up at 6:00am and showered. I believe that we've already recognized and discussed the illogicality of showering before a bike ride, so deal with it. As the truck was already loaded, I was able to depart for Greenville at exactly 6:30am. Not needing to stop for gas, and I know this because I topped off the tank the day before, (please see the pre-ride checklist, Section III - Non-Bicycle Related Activities, Sub-Section C - Automobile Related Prep), I arrived in Greenville at 7:15am. That would be exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes before the ride was scheduled to start. Now all I had to do was get myself and the bike ready to ride.

Given that all of my clothes were neatly packed, it took me about 20 minutes to get myself dressed and ready to ride. Getting the bike ready, which is basically making sure the tires are up to pressure, took about 5 minutes. That left me about an hour and twenty minutes before the ride. So I had a couple more cups of coffee. This led to the inevitable search for a port-a-potty. Now, I don't know what your feelings are towards port-a-potties, but my past experiences have been less than pleasant. Typically, if I feel the need to use one of these devices, I will put it off for as long as possible, and that's only if I have something to do that can't be accomplished behind a tree or bush. I think we're all on the same page here, so I won't explain that any further. So this means that by the time I actually use the port-a-potty, it's later in the afternoon and the facility has been well "broken in" by other riders. Given that in Texas in the summer, by the late afternoon, the temperature is usually quite hot, and given what has been going on in this facility, I think you can understand the usual "unpleasant" experience. But I have to say, getting to "christen" one of these things first thing in the morning, is a different experience all together. It's usually quite cool. And, as no one has been there prior to you, well....you understand. So it was actually quite nice in there. If I'd had a newspaper, I might have missed the start of the ride.

As far as the Cotton Patch Classic bike ride goes, I enjoyed myself. For those of you not from Texas, I don't know if your familiar with a type of road surface called "chip-n-seal". I hope that this abomination hasn't made it to the rest of the country yet. If it has, you have my condolences. I'll cover my feelings toward chip-n-seal in the near future, but this weekends ride had it's fair share of it. As I have been involved with the production of several bike rides in the past, I generally try not to complain. But I do have to mention one thing. To all of you bike ride directors out there, let me just say that one port-a-potty per rest stop is not enough. Funny how it always comes back to port-a-potties. Luckily for me, I didn't need to do anything that required anything more than a tree.

I hope that this little peek into my head has been helpful. The next time you see someone just sitting on the back of his truck ready to ride, an hour and a half before a ride is supposed to start, now you might understand why he's there. And the next time you enjoy the use of a port-a-potty first thing in the morning, and you hear singing coming from the port-a-potty next door, just try and remember what it was like the last time you used one late in the afternoon. You might just find yourself humming along.

(That's a whole lot more than I ever thought I would have to say on the subject of port-a-potties).

Peace out.................Nearly Famous Fred

Fred's Ride Prep, Part II - We actually pack

2008-09-19T20:56:00.002-05:00

Tonight, we continue our saga of what the "Type A" cyclist goes through in preparing for an out of town bike ride. My hope is that others may learn from me. Oh sure, actually letting all of you get a peak into my little world of dementia might be a little embarrassing, but if I help just one person, then it was all worthwhile. Also, I desperately want to find out if I'm the only one who goes through this. (oh dear God, please don't let me be the only one. please).

When last we left our hero, we had gotten the truck washed. I don't have to tell you how essential that is to a successful bike ride. We also got the bike re-lubed, and washed and greased if necessary. Now "if necessary" is a fairly relative term. Typically, for the Type A cyclist, (that would be me), "if necessary" can roughly be translated to "always, always, always". It doesn't matter if I washed it for the ride last weekend, it's more than likely going to get washed for the ride this weekend too.

Now we can begin the stress inducing task of packing. First thing that has to be located is my ever trustworthy packing list. What I pack for the out of town bike ride, depends on several factors. Will this ride require an overnight stay? If so, them I will also have to pack a change of clothes and bathroom items. Please see page two of the packing list. What time of year is it? Is it cold? Is so, what type of cold weather gear will be required? Please see the section of the packing list subtitled "cold weather cycling". All of these variables are accounted for on the packing list. Did I mention that this packing list is not something that was thrown together in 15 minutes. No, no. This packing list was an ever evolving project, complete with checkpoints, milestones, edits, revisions, and versions. Actually, I believe that the current version of the packing list is v8.17.06.

As I proceed down the checklist, the items are not just thrown into a bag for the out of town trip. That's exactly how things get lost and overlooked. As items are located, they are placed on the bed in full view. Then, and only then, can they be officially checked off of the checklist. Once all of the items required for this particular trip are located, checked off of the list, and counter-checked and co-signed by a higher ranking officer (my wife), copies of said checklist are then made and filed with the appropriate offices. Now we can actually begin putting things in the bag.

Just to repeat, I am fully aware of how silly all of this must appear, and how, to the non-type A cyclist, this must all seem quite mad. Oh, how I envy you. To be able to just grab the stuff that you figure you'll probably need, throw it all in a bag that morning, and leave for the ride. That has to be great.

Once everything has been placed in a bag, (in reverse order, so that the things that I will need first are on top), then I can start to pack all of my gear in the back of my SUV. Typically, this will include my tool box, my floor pump, my bag with my cycling clothes and gear, maps to the ride location, GPS, radar detector, money to bribe the boarder guards, my passport, and provisions enough to get Hannibal and his army across the Alps. Here again, these things will go in in a specific order, so that those things I will need first, will be on top. Yes, I know this is madness. But there is a method to the madness. And when you get right down to it, at least to me, the Type A cyclist, that's all that really matters.

The next morning, day of the ride, I will get up and shower. Yes, I will shower to go out and ride my bike. Yes, I know that that's pretty much crazy. And yes, I don't care. Next, I will fix a thermos of coffee to drink on the drive to the ride, because, and I know that at least some of you have to agree with me on this one, you simply cannot ride a bike without having amply fueled up on caffeine. It just can't be done any other way. In addition to my obsessive compulsive tendencies towards bike ride preparation, I am also afflicted with a hopeless case of caffeine addiction. But that one, I happen to like and enjoy. Oh yea, at this point, I load my bike onto my bike rack.

Okay, we're packed, loaded, and buzzing on caffeine. We are now ready to depart for the bike ride. Tomorrow, we cover arriving at the bike ride site, getting ready to actually ride, and riding the bike. As I actually have a bike ride to go to tomorrow, The Cotton Patch Classic in Greenville TX, I'll also report back on how that went.

Later and peace out.........Fred

My cross to bear.....or is it?

2008-09-18T20:20:00.002-05:00

If you were to ask my wife, (but please don't), she would tell you without hesitation that I am one of the most organized, neat, tidy, Type A, anal retentive, bordering on obsessive compulsive, people that you are ever likely to meet. I just cannot help myself. I absolutely know that those socks that are put away in the drawer will be just fine, even if the toes on some of the socks point towards the back of the drawer, and the toes on the rest of the socks point towards the front of the drawer. I know this. But even if I somehow manage to put the socks in the drawer going every which-a-way, close the drawer, and walk away, I won't make it 10 feet before I have to turn around and go back and put the socks with the toes all facing the same way. I know. That's just nuts. But it's just the way I'm wired.

I work for Southwest Airlines as a Computer Programmer, in their headquarters building at Love Field here in Dallas. People literally come from all over the building just to look at my cube because it's so neat, clean, and organized. People just assume that I don't do very much at work simply because when they come by my desk, it's always neat and tidy. I could be knee deep in chaos, with the world tumbling down around my ears, but by God, that desk is not going to be a mess.

This "affliction" of mine, does not manifest itself more at any time, than when it comes to my cycling. Specifically, when I'm getting ready for a bike ride. And even more specifically, when I'm getting ready for a bike ride that will require me to drive out of town. Let me give you a run down of what I go through in getting prepared for an out of town ride. Just so you know, I'm going to break this down into two or three post. There's just too much information to cover in just one posting.

Fred's Ride Preparation: Part I.

About two or three days before the ride, I will wash my cycling clothes. I have to start this process at least a couple of days ahead of time, because I will want to wear a specific jersey, with a specific bib, and a certain pair of socks, and a specific pair of gloves, with one certain head wrap. Those magnificent coordination's that I show up at the rides in aren't going to put themselves together. And since I don't dry my jerseys and bids in the clothes dryer, that means they have to be hung up and dry overnight. I'm sure that they would be just fine if I dried them in the machine, but somehow I got it into my head that they will shrink, or fade, or explode, or something, and be ruined if I dried them in the machine, so they get hung up.

If I may go off on a tangent here, I just looked in my closet, and I have a collection of about 25 jerseys now. Funny thing is, I can only remember actually buying about 7 or 8 of those jerseys. The other's just seem to show up on their own. Is this phenomenon localized to my closet, or are others familiar with it? What would all of those jersey's have to gain by congregating in my closet? What is their ultimate goal? But I digress.

So the day before the out of town ride, I will usually get my truck washed. Drive to a ride in a dirty truck?!? That's just crazy talk. If it's getting close to time to get my tires rotated and/or my oil changed, then I'll go ahead and get this done too. That afternoon when I get home from work, I will at least lube my bike chain and wipe down my bike. If it's been a few weeks since it's been washed and greased, then I'll go ahead and wash, degrease, and re-lube. I won't go into the details of that process, as it's about an hour and a half before I go to bed, and I simply don't have the time.

Now that the truck and the bike are both spotless...........it's time to pack. This is not a frivolous undertaking. It requires planning, strategy, cunning, guile, checks and balances, and the most important thing of all, a packing checklist. Go ahead, laugh if you must, but I have never shown up at a ride without everything I needed for that day's ride.

Okay, that's not entirely true. You don't know how hard it is for me to admit this, but there has been two occasions when I showed up without everything I needed. One was at spin class. I have to admit that I showed up without my cycling shoes. You can take some perverse pleasure if you like in the fact that my wife still laughs about that one. The other incident happened this past August at the Hotter-n-Hell 100 in Wichita Falls, TX. I was in the parking lot getting ready with a couple of friends. When I went to put on my gloves, I suddenly realized that I had two left hand gloves. That simply meant that back in my hotel room, there were two right hand gloves just sitting there. But that wasn't the packing list's fault. I had packed the gloves, I simply grabbed the wrong two when I left for the ride that morning. So you know what happened as soon as I got back home; the packing list was updated so that it read "1 glove left ___, 1 glove right___". Now the list is perfect. Let us never speak of these two events again.

Alright, that's enough for tonight. Besides, it's Thursday night, there's a ride this Saturday, and I've got clothes in the laundry.

Tomorrow, in part 2, we actually start to pack. Then in the 3rd installment of our series, we actually leave for the bike ride.

Peace out......Nearly Famous Fred

Pardon me as I climb up on my soapbox

2008-09-16T12:51:00.002-05:00

Being the quite, reserved, somewhat shy Texan that I am, I'm going to crawl out of my shell just a little bit, and express myself for a moment. After attending way too many bicycle rides to count over the years, and observing how a large portion of you ride your bikes, I just have one question to ask.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

To the guy and his wife who passed me, (on the right I might add), on their tandem, and only waited until the guy up front was past me to start moving to the left into me, I ask, what the hell is wrong with you? While no one can sympathize more than I, that you might want to forget that your wife is behind you on the tandem, it's still a tandem. Even if there was no one behind you, you still have to wait until the entire bike has passed me before moving to the left. And yes, it is typically considered rude and unsafe to pass someone on the right.

To the group of seven guys riding the Collin Classic two years ago, who decided that it would be a good idea to ride shoulder-to-shoulder, not only all the way across your own lane, but spilling across the yellow line, I ask, what the hell is wrong with you guys? These knuckleheads actually forced a oncoming car off the road, refusing get back in their own lane. Forget trying to get these guys to single up and move to the right. How bout we just try and get these guys back into their own lane. Not that I don't think that it would be cool to play chicken with an oncoming 2,000 lbs automobile, but my damn survival instinct just keeps kicking in and prevents me from doing just this sort of stupid activities.

Saving the best for last, to the guy who stopped in the middle of the road, directly in front of me, for absolutely no freakin' reason, I have to ask, what the hell is wrong with you? Each year, we ride in a Jan 1st ride called the "Happy New Rear" ride. By Texas standards it's usually quite cold. Six years ago, myself and two of my cycling buddies were riding in the Happy New Rear. We were riding side by side. Before you say anything, there was no automobile traffic behind us, so we were perfectly legal in not riding single file. So there. There was another group of three, riding side by side, about 15 feet in front of us. I had looked down for a split second to grab my water bottle. When I looked up, one of the three in front of us had stopped for some reason. Now, maybe I'm just being difficult. But typically, when I stop, I will move to the far right side of the road and stop there. This guy, for some unknown reason, decided that it would be a good idea to just stop in the middle of the road. Quite frankly, it was actually fairly impressive. I've never seen anyone stop a bike and dismount that fast, before or since. So I look up and I have just about enough time to shout "Hey!". I swerved at the last minute and caught him on my right side as he stood there in the middle of the road. That spun me around and off of my bike, landing squarely on my tailbone. One of the friends I was riding with that day said I looked like Tigger, from the Winnie the Pooh stories, bouncing down the middle of the road on my behind. As dumb a thing as stopping in the middle of the road was for this guy to do, he more than made up for it by doing one of the smartest things he ever did shortly thereafter. He got the hell out of there. By the time I was able to compose myself, he and his friends were long gone. That was six years ago, and to this day I still look for this guy at bike rides. Somewhere out there is a butt in need of kicking.

These seemingly normal people, and I'm giving a lot of credit there, are behaving in what can only be described as stupid behaviour. Now what makes people behave in the ways that I have described above? I mean, how smart do you have to be?

I have a theory.

I believe, and I have no medical data or formal medical training to back this up. Oh, I've dabbled a little with some informal medical training, but no sort of "structured" education or lecture. But I believe that there are a certain percentage of the people in this country, who are born with a birth defect. Apparently, in this small percentage of people, one of the main arteries that supplies blood to the brain, runs directly through their behind. Couple this birth defect, with riding a bicycle, and you have a group of people, that as soon as their rear ends hit a bicycle saddle, they automatically lose about 75 to 100 I.Q. points. This is the only hypothesis that I can come up with that explains some of the behaviour that I have seen out there.

So the next time you see someone riding in at what can best be described as an "erratic" fashion, do not be angry with them. These people are to be pitied. Through no fault of their own, they are dealing with a handicap that the rest of us just can't understand. They suffer from what I have dubbed as A.R.B.F.D., or Ass Restricted Blood Flow Disease. I for one, think there should be some sort of labor day telethon to help these people.

I have considered the possibility that these people do not actually suffer from any sort of illness. That they ride they way they do simply because they're stupid. If that's the case, then that is what I would describe as a self correcting problem. Eventually, if they continue to ride the way they do, they will eventually do something stupid, at the wrong time, and the problem will have corrected itself. Not that I wish any sort of accident on anyone else, but you reap what you sow. If you ride like an idiot, then sooner or later, bad stuff is bound to happen.

Wouldn't it be a better world if everyone rode just like me? Just imagine.

Peace out........Nearly Famous Fred

In the beginning

2008-09-12T20:58:00.004-05:00

As promised, today I will actually be talking about bicycling. I figured this was kind of important, as I had advertised this as a cycling blog. I started cycling in July of 2000. When asked why I started cycling, I generally tell people that it was because Trish and had bought a new house. After enjoying the puzzled look on their faces for a few minutes, I explain.

In the spring of 2000, Trish and I were living in our first home, a 1300 sq ft house in Frisco, TX. We were also enjoying our 1 year old son Michael. I say we were enjoying him, because we had finally moved past that point in raising a child, where you can actually begin to enjoy them. I know, I know. You're thinking, "What a terrible thing to say. Children are a joy. Blah, blah, blah." Well lets really be honest here. For the first year or so of raising a child, they are, to be honest, basically houseplants that you have to bathe and change. In that first year, you feed it, water it, and like a house plant, if you set it down, it's pretty much going to be were you left it when you come back for it. But around the time they celebrate their first birthday, they actually start to have a personality, they are somewhat mobile, which makes them entertaining if nothing else, and given that they have developed a primitive vocabulary, you can actually talk to them in some limited fashion.

During that spring, we had come to the conclusion that with the addition of Michael, we were now out of room in our small Frisco home, and we needed a bigger house. Towards that end, we purchased a 2900 sq ft home in nearby McKinney. We moved in on April 1st, April Fools Day. I should have seen that for the omen that it was. One of the things my son liked to do in our new home, was to crawl/walk up the stairs. It didn't take long for me to make the depressing discovery that I couldn't walk up the one flight of stairs, without gasping for breath and seeing a bunch of my ancestors gathered around, urging me to "walk into the light".

You see, there was a time when I was less than the well developed specimen of the male of the species that you see before you today. There was a time when I was what most people would call fat. At that time, I was 6'3", and conservatively, about 260 pounds. It would not be an understatement to say that I was a big boy. Given that my son was only 1 at the time, and I very much wanted to live long enough to see him turn 2, I knew that I had to do something. Running and jogging were not an option. Thanks to years of basketball in high school and college, my knees were absolutely shot. I couldn't run across my living room without my knees staging open revolt. I gave brief thought to swimming. However, with no offense intended to you triathletes out there, hereto after referred to as "crazy people", the idea of swimming lap after lap after lap in a pool sounds almost as exciting as staring at a wall for a couple of hours.

It was also about this time that Lance Armstrong was in the middle of winning his 3rd consecutive Tour De France. I thought that this was something that I could do. It looked to be fairly low impact on the knees. And how hard could it be. I mean, look at these guys riding their bikes around France. There's not a one of them that looks like he ways more than 140 pounds. A stiff wind comes up and they'd all blow away. Yea, I could definitely do this.

So I set out to buy my first bike. Trish was, not expectantly, resistant to the idea. And not without justifiable cause. It should be mentioned, that up until this point, I had had a documented history of getting all excited about something, buying all sorts of expensive equipment for that activity, then finding out that it is somewhat hard to do, and quickly losing interest. The closet full of chess sets, chess books, and chess software stands as example of this. As does the pile of learn to speak German software and Cd's. The list goes on. So my proposal that I needed to go out and buy a lot of very expensive cycling equipment, was not met with the enthusiastic response that I had envisioned. I wasn't too worried though. My capacity to whine, cry and beg, greatly out distances her will power to tell me no. Actually, that's pretty much how our son was conceived. After a relatively short 3 weeks of whining, she relented. (To me buying a bike, not to conceiving a child.) I purchased my first bike. I'll cover that experience in depth in a later post.

Having based my "how hard could it be" assessment of long distance cycling on watching a bunch of skinny Europeans and one skinny Texan on TV, I eagerly anticipated my first ride. While most of that first ride is an oxygen dept induced fog, I do remember riding about 3 1/2 miles, and being deeply convinced that I was going to die. Actually, it was nice to visit with those ancestors again. But to no ones greater surprise than my own, the next day I went out and rode again. And then I rode again, and again, and again. And then about a month later, around the end of August, I had my first crash. If you're like me, you morbidly enjoy the details of a good bicycle crash. And I'd like nothing more than to share with you the details of mine. The problem is, to this day 8 years later, I don't remember. One moment I'm riding my bike down the road, and literally the next moment, I'm waking up in the emergency room. The moments between those two are fuzzy, but we've been able to piece some of what happened together. Apparently, based on the forensic evidence, that being the 14" puddle of blood that we found in the road the next day, I smacked my head on the pavement. Thank goodness I was wearing a helmet. I hope I didn't confuse anyone with the medical term of "smacked". Once in the emergency room, it was determined that I had a severe concussion, and dislocated shoulder, basically one giant scab down the entire left side of my body, and a gash above my left eye requiring 11 stitches to close.

Let me dispel a myth right now. Chicks do not "dig" scars. As a matter of fact, they appear to be quite repulsed by them. What they do seem to "dig", is the ability to competently ride a bicycle without killing yourself. I say that because whenever I tell them the story of my first bike crash, instead of sympathy and the desire to gently hold my head to their bosom, I usually get giggling and laughter. I'll never understand women.

The doctor also told me to stay off of my bike for 3 months. I think he did this because if I killed myself on my bike before my medical insurance paid him, then he might not ever get paid. But once again, to every one's surprise including me, once I got the OK from the doctor to resume riding, I hopped right back on the bike. Even though I was riding only about 5 miles a day at that time, I had one simple rule. Every day that I rode, I would ride just a little farther than the day before. Even if it was just one tenth of a mile farther than the previous day, and many day that's all it was, I would ride a little farther.

The rest is history. Within 1 year of that first crash, I rode my first century. Within two years of purchasing that first bike, I went from 260 pounds, to 190 pounds, and in the 6 years since then, I've kept it off. Given that I am a notoriously lazy person, if I can do it, anyone can.

That's it for tonight. Ride safe this weekend.

Peace out.........Nearly Famous Fred

What to expect from this blog

2008-09-11T20:23:00.003-05:00

I think I made it abundantly clear in my initial post to this blog, but just in case the point was missed by some of you, I will never be confused with a great writer. If we're being completely truthful, (and I think we can be), I will never be confused for a mediocre writer. No, that's still not entirely true. Basically, I'm pretty much semi-literate. If it weren't for spell-checker, you'd have a better chance of understanding this if I wrote it in Chinese. And dear God, don't even get me started on grammar and punctuation. For example, you might have noticed that I tend to use a lot of commas. This is just the eighth sentence in this posting, and I've already used 10 commas. I don't know why this is. I'm very much aware that I use too many commas. And yet I can't help myself. These are the just the kind of things you are going to have to learn to tolerate, (11), if you hope to get any sort of enjoyment from these post.

But even with these readily admitted to shortcomings and disabilities as a writer, I have chosen to start a blog. So, what can my readers expect. I can summarize that in one simple word; sarcasm. Sarcasm, beautiful sarcasm. It is my concerted opinion that sarcasm is a much underrated and much under-appreciated skill. It is not widely known, but I happen to be a 7th level, Master Practitioner, of the Ancient Art of Sarcasm. Like a finely crafted sword, when used properly, the expertly crafted sarcastic phrase can be deadly. It can bring a spirited debate to a quick, sudden, and decisive end. With a single sarcastic phrase, you can not only express your views on a point of contention, but you can also express a thinly disguised opinion that the person you are debating is a moron for not agreeing with you.

And while I may be practiced in the sarcastic arts, I am but a mere impostor when it comes to the true master of the science of sarcasm. That would be the one, the only, my true leader, The Fat Cyclist. For those of you who have not yet discovered the fine work of one Eldon Nelson, aka, The Fat Cyclist, aka, Fatty, as he likes to be called by his friends, (wow, that's 6 commas within about 4 inches of text), I strongly recommend you add his blog to your list. Win Susan Win! I only recently discovered his writings a couple of months ago, and as soon as I started reading his post, I knew I had found a kindred spirit. He yields sarcasm like Luke Skywalker yields a light saber. If you do read his post, you will undoubtedly notice some similarities between his writing style and mine. That would be the rather liberal use of sarcasm. I take this as a compliment. Fatty will probably see this as grounds for some sort of legal action against me. I'm hoping that by freely admitting my admiration for his work here, I am protecting myself from any potential legal cause of action. But we'll see.

Much like the readers of The Fat Cyclist, my readers can expect commentary on a wide assortment of cycling related topics. (Notice how I naively assume that I will have readers.) I'll be commenting on pro cycling, amateur cycling, cycling products, the cycling culture in general, and a lot of comments on my own personal cycling experiences. I probably will be doing a lot of complaining about how other people ride. But in a hopefully entertaining, sarcastic sort of way. Getting back to the commentary on cycling products. Here is where Fatty and I will differ. While Fatty doesn't openly invite people to send him cycling related products to comment on, I am now giving an open invitation to anyone who makes or sells anything that might be cycling related, to go ahead and send me one. Shoot, send me a box of them. I promise to use the product and to take up my valuable post space giving my honest opinion of what I think about it. I can't promise I'll like it. But I can promise to mention it in my postings, thereby exposing your product to what will probably be 10's of readers.

In tomorrow's post, I promise to actually talk about cycling. Just in case you were wondering, I used a total of 52 commas in this post.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

This is probably a really bad idea...

2008-09-10T17:16:00.005-05:00

I am not a writer. I wanted to get that out of the way, right from the start. If you read much further, that will become painfully obvious, but I wanted to admit to it before everyone figures it out for themselves. Kind of like passing gas in a crowded meeting. Shouting, "That was me!", before anyone else has a chance to say anything, somehow makes it less embarrassing. So, if by some miracle, someone from outside of my immediate circle of family and friends reads this, and they feel the need to post a comment saying what a lousy writer I am, I can say that I told you right from the beginning that I couldn't write. It has been my experience, that preemptive self deprecation is always a good strategy.

This blog will mainly be about bicycling. Or rather, my views, opinions, and general musings about cycling, cyclist, and the cycling culture. It should be said right now that I am a very opinionated person. This characteristic has served me well at times, and not so well at others. Not surprisingly, this has gotten me into my share of trouble in the past. Not just my share, but probably a good portion of your share as well. It's not so much the opinions that I express that tend to get me in trouble, but rather the time and place that I choose to express said opinions, as well as the volume and the enthusiasm with which I tend to express them. That's one of the things that I hope this blog does. Is to give me a place, other than inappropriate meeting and gatherings, to express these often derided opinions.

Another thing that you should know about me is that I am a Texan. Born and bred. Now I know that it is a widely held belief around the rest of the country that Texan are by nature, very shy and quiet. I know that most of you believe that you typically have a hard time getting a Texan to express themselves, and that typically, Texans are the quietest people in the room. Well, that's not entirely true. I have actually met a Texan or two who have absolutely no problem at all speaking right up and letting their feelings be know. Weird, huh? For myself, I happen to fall into that minority of Texans who seem to be quite expressive. I don't know that I'm that loud, but I do believe what I believe, and if you ask me for it, you'll certainly get my unfiltered opinion. But I'd like to think that I'm extremely tolerant of differing opinions. I realize that everyone is entitled to believe what they want, and all I ask in return is that everybody else please extend that same courtesy to me. Please keep that in mind when you read my post. Especially keep that in mind if you feel the urge to post a comment.

A little more about me. My full name is Fred Richard Miller Jr. I live in McKinney, TX, with my wife Tricia, and my 9 year old son Michael. Trish and I have been married for 19 years. Nineteen years ago, I had two of my "est" moments within about 30 seconds of each other. That would be those kind of moments that can be described as the dumb"est" thing I ever did. Or the wild"est" thing I ever did. You know, the "est" moments. In this case, the first "est" moment was the smart"est" thing I ever did. Somehow, I worked up the courage to asked the former Ms. Tricia Hill to marry me. The second "est" moment that happened that night was the lucki"est" thing that every happened to me. For some reason, she said yes. I swear, as God is my witness, if I live to be 1000, I will never understand what possessed her to say that. Just a quick aside here. For those guys who are considering marrying above themselves, let me caution you against it. If you marry a woman who is way to good for you, be prepared to spend the rest of your life living with the constant fear that she will eventually snap out of whatever fog she has been walking around in, and realize how much better she could have done than you. This is the fear that I live with every day of my life. I've been able to relax a little since Michael was born. I figure that she's just a little less likely to pack up and leave now that we have our son, but the nagging fear of abandonment never really goes away. Always try and marry down.

Okay, I think that's enough for a first post. I'm not sure though, because, as you might have figured out by now, I have no earthly idea what I'm doing. I'll try an post most days, but if I don't have anything to say on a particular day, I won't say anything. And I probably won't post much on weekends. Hopefully, I'll be out riding my bike.

Next post....."What you can expect from this blog". Or, "Let's go ahead and lower those expectations".

I can tell your just giddy with anticipation.

Peace out........Nearly Famous Fred