I've purposefully held off on posting anything about Lance Armstrong's possible return to pro cycling because, frankly, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As much as I would love to see Lance race the TdF again, there is also a part of me who would really hate to see him go back and possibly fail.
One thing needs to be said right from the start. I have a huge, non-sexual man-crush on Lance. There, I've said it. I am secure enough in my own manhood that I can just come right out and say it. He is, without a doubt, my cycling hero. My copy of "It's Not About the Bike" is so worn and tattered, it's about to fall apart. It's highlighted and underlined the same way that many old family bibles are. Hanging in my garage is a quote from the book. It is the first paragraph of the last chapter:
Pain is temporary. It may last a moment, or a day, or a week, or a year. But it will eventually subside and something else will take it's place. If I quit however, it last forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with. Facing up to that question, and finding a way to go on is the real reward. Better than any yellow jersey or trophy.
I swear, if Trish hadn't almost divorced me after I got my first tattoo, I'd have that quote tattooed across my chest.
So why would Lance want to make a come back now. I've seen several theories regarding this. Ranging from the plausible, to the ridicules. One of the more plausible, offered by none other than The Fat Cyclist, was that Lance is not going to come back and ride for Astana, but is going to form his own LiveStrong Team, and hire away Johann Bruyneel to manage it. That especially make sense given the quotes from Alberto Cantador today, hinting that he would quit the Astana team if they rehired Armstrong. The most redicules theory would be the one speculating that Lance will buy the TdF itself. Can anyone actually envision the French selling the TdF to anyone, much less an American?
My own personal theory regarding Lance's possible return is quite simple. It would have to be simple if it was my theory. I believe that Lance is just bored stupid. He's sat around for 3 years, played a lot of golf, road in a few mountain bike races, and worked tirelessly for the LAF. He's dated every single blond in Hollywood, and hung out with Matthew McConaughey. Spending any significant time with McConaughey should be reason enough to drive anyone to escape to Europe. At least when he's on his bike, he can get away from Matthew. He's also sat around and watched the 3 TdF's that have been contested since he's been gone. He had to be thinking that he could have beaten these guys riding a recumbent, with one foot in a cast.
We already know how Alberto feels about Lance returning. How would this effect the rest of the cycling world? Levi has to be thinking that he's cursed. Next thing he knows, Eddie Merckx will want to come out of retirement and join the team. And the good folks at Versus have to be saying, "Wow, this selling your soul to the devil stuff really works!".
And that's the real point anyway. Weather Lance comes back and wins, or if he comes back and falls flat on his face, either way, it certainly won't be boring. Even the Lance haters out there will be glued to their TV's, just like the rest of us.
Later........Nearly Famous Fred
Unlike The Fat Cyclist, I didn't get invited to speak at the Interbike Show in Las Vegas. I can only assume that this was some sort of Postal Service error. But since I have nothing else to do, I though I'd go ahead and wrap up our little series on what it's like for the obsessive compulsive cyclist to get ready and ride in your typical Saturday bike ride.
When we last spoke, we had gone through the process of washing the car, prepping the bike, actually packing, loading the car, and stoking up on way to much caffeine the morning of the ride. Now we actually get to depart for the bike ride. One of my more prized possessions is my new GPS unit that I got for my car. It's really quite amazing when you think about it. That all you have to do is enter an address, and this little box, along with a few dozen satellites, can tell where you are, where you want to go, and give you turn-by-turn directions on how to get there. As I understand it, the GPS system that we use today, was actually developed by the U.S. military. So you can imagine the millions, possibly billions of dollars that went into it's development and testing. Given all that, in addition to my GPS unit, I still print out Google maps to take with me. Ever since I saw "Independence Day", I've never really trusted any sort of satellite based technology. You never know when an alien life form is going to invade the earth, wipe out all of our satellites, and there I'd be lost on my way to Greenville Texas for a bike ride. But with my trusty Google maps, aliens be damned, I'd find my way to the ride.
Among the numerous things that you should know, but will probably never understand, about the Type A, obsessive compulsive cyclist, is that we absolutely hate to be rushed. Rushing leads to being hurried, and being hurried leads to things being left behind, or the ultimate sin, things getting lost. One year, I came back from the Hotter-n-Hell in Wichita Falls, and I had somehow lost a pair of gloves. I was positively clinically depressed for a month. These weren't even my favorite pair of gloves. But they were lost, and I had lost them.
It is this desire to avoid being rushed, that leads me to arrive quite early for your typical bike ride. Take this past Saturday's ride for example. The ride itself was scheduled to start at 9:00am. It's about a 45 minute drive from my house to Greenville. I got up at 6:00am and showered. I believe that we've already recognized and discussed the illogicality of showering before a bike ride, so deal with it. As the truck was already loaded, I was able to depart for Greenville at exactly 6:30am. Not needing to stop for gas, and I know this because I topped off the tank the day before, (please see the pre-ride checklist, Section III - Non-Bicycle Related Activities, Sub-Section C - Automobile Related Prep), I arrived in Greenville at 7:15am. That would be exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes before the ride was scheduled to start. Now all I had to do was get myself and the bike ready to ride.
Given that all of my clothes were neatly packed, it took me about 20 minutes to get myself dressed and ready to ride. Getting the bike ready, which is basically making sure the tires are up to pressure, took about 5 minutes. That left me about an hour and twenty minutes before the ride. So I had a couple more cups of coffee. This led to the inevitable search for a port-a-potty. Now, I don't know what your feelings are towards port-a-potties, but my past experiences have been less than pleasant. Typically, if I feel the need to use one of these devices, I will put it off for as long as possible, and that's only if I have something to do that can't be accomplished behind a tree or bush. I think we're all on the same page here, so I won't explain that any further. So this means that by the time I actually use the port-a-potty, it's later in the afternoon and the facility has been well "broken in" by other riders. Given that in Texas in the summer, by the late afternoon, the temperature is usually quite hot, and given what has been going on in this facility, I think you can understand the usual "unpleasant" experience. But I have to say, getting to "christen" one of these things first thing in the morning, is a different experience all together. It's usually quite cool. And, as no one has been there prior to you, well....you understand. So it was actually quite nice in there. If I'd had a newspaper, I might have missed the start of the ride.
As far as the Cotton Patch Classic bike ride goes, I enjoyed myself. For those of you not from Texas, I don't know if your familiar with a type of road surface called "chip-n-seal". I hope that this abomination hasn't made it to the rest of the country yet. If it has, you have my condolences. I'll cover my feelings toward chip-n-seal in the near future, but this weekends ride had it's fair share of it. As I have been involved with the production of several bike rides in the past, I generally try not to complain. But I do have to mention one thing. To all of you bike ride directors out there, let me just say that one port-a-potty per rest stop is not enough. Funny how it always comes back to port-a-potties. Luckily for me, I didn't need to do anything that required anything more than a tree.
I hope that this little peek into my head has been helpful. The next time you see someone just sitting on the back of his truck ready to ride, an hour and a half before a ride is supposed to start, now you might understand why he's there. And the next time you enjoy the use of a port-a-potty first thing in the morning, and you hear singing coming from the port-a-potty next door, just try and remember what it was like the last time you used one late in the afternoon. You might just find yourself humming along.
(That's a whole lot more than I ever thought I would have to say on the subject of port-a-potties).
Peace out.................Nearly Famous Fred
Tonight, we continue our saga of what the "Type A" cyclist goes through in preparing for an out of town bike ride. My hope is that others may learn from me. Oh sure, actually letting all of you get a peak into my little world of dementia might be a little embarrassing, but if I help just one person, then it was all worthwhile. Also, I desperately want to find out if I'm the only one who goes through this. (oh dear God, please don't let me be the only one. please).
When last we left our hero, we had gotten the truck washed. I don't have to tell you how essential that is to a successful bike ride. We also got the bike re-lubed, and washed and greased if necessary. Now "if necessary" is a fairly relative term. Typically, for the Type A cyclist, (that would be me), "if necessary" can roughly be translated to "always, always, always". It doesn't matter if I washed it for the ride last weekend, it's more than likely going to get washed for the ride this weekend too.
Now we can begin the stress inducing task of packing. First thing that has to be located is my ever trustworthy packing list. What I pack for the out of town bike ride, depends on several factors. Will this ride require an overnight stay? If so, them I will also have to pack a change of clothes and bathroom items. Please see page two of the packing list. What time of year is it? Is it cold? Is so, what type of cold weather gear will be required? Please see the section of the packing list subtitled "cold weather cycling". All of these variables are accounted for on the packing list. Did I mention that this packing list is not something that was thrown together in 15 minutes. No, no. This packing list was an ever evolving project, complete with checkpoints, milestones, edits, revisions, and versions. Actually, I believe that the current version of the packing list is v8.17.06.
As I proceed down the checklist, the items are not just thrown into a bag for the out of town trip. That's exactly how things get lost and overlooked. As items are located, they are placed on the bed in full view. Then, and only then, can they be officially checked off of the checklist. Once all of the items required for this particular trip are located, checked off of the list, and counter-checked and co-signed by a higher ranking officer (my wife), copies of said checklist are then made and filed with the appropriate offices. Now we can actually begin putting things in the bag.
Just to repeat, I am fully aware of how silly all of this must appear, and how, to the non-type A cyclist, this must all seem quite mad. Oh, how I envy you. To be able to just grab the stuff that you figure you'll probably need, throw it all in a bag that morning, and leave for the ride. That has to be great.
Once everything has been placed in a bag, (in reverse order, so that the things that I will need first are on top), then I can start to pack all of my gear in the back of my SUV. Typically, this will include my tool box, my floor pump, my bag with my cycling clothes and gear, maps to the ride location, GPS, radar detector, money to bribe the boarder guards, my passport, and provisions enough to get Hannibal and his army across the Alps. Here again, these things will go in in a specific order, so that those things I will need first, will be on top. Yes, I know this is madness. But there is a method to the madness. And when you get right down to it, at least to me, the Type A cyclist, that's all that really matters.
The next morning, day of the ride, I will get up and shower. Yes, I will shower to go out and ride my bike. Yes, I know that that's pretty much crazy. And yes, I don't care. Next, I will fix a thermos of coffee to drink on the drive to the ride, because, and I know that at least some of you have to agree with me on this one, you simply cannot ride a bike without having amply fueled up on caffeine. It just can't be done any other way. In addition to my obsessive compulsive tendencies towards bike ride preparation, I am also afflicted with a hopeless case of caffeine addiction. But that one, I happen to like and enjoy. Oh yea, at this point, I load my bike onto my bike rack.
Okay, we're packed, loaded, and buzzing on caffeine. We are now ready to depart for the bike ride. Tomorrow, we cover arriving at the bike ride site, getting ready to actually ride, and riding the bike. As I actually have a bike ride to go to tomorrow, The Cotton Patch Classic in Greenville TX, I'll also report back on how that went.
Later and peace out.........Fred
Posts
