Contador & Lance...what an absolute mess, part 1

First and foremost, I am not an expert on performance enhancing drugs, masking agents, UCI or WADA policy, or the International legal system.  I do consider myself to be a person with a certain amount of common sense, and a realist.  That is, I see things how they actually are, and not how I'd like for them to be.  

As far as the Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong legal cases, I'm starting to believe that those are the two main things that have been missing from how both of these cases have been handled.

And above all else, I believe that if you are going to set in place a set of rules for people to follow, then you have to abide by those rules like they are carved in stone.  Not only do the people who are asked to live by these rules have to treat them like they are carved in stone, but the people doing the asking have to treat them like that.  

If you want a sure fire way to make sure things degenerate into chaos, then start down the slippery slope of selective enforcement.

First, the Alberto Contador case.  This one seems ridiculously simple.  The UCI/WADA rules state two things.  First, a rider cannot have any clenbuteral in his system.  The important word in that rule is "any".  And second, the rules state it is the rider's responsibility to make sure that no clenbuteral enters his system.  Either on purpose, or by accident, the burden lies with the cyclist.  That seems pretty cut and dried to me.  It doesn't matter if it was an accident, (by eating contaminated meat as Contador claims).  If you test positive, your guilty.  When the Spanish Cycling Federation cleared Contador or any wrongdoing, they were basically choosing to selectively enforce the rule.  

CAS, (The Court of Arbitration for Sport), decided to ban Contador for 2 years, and strip him not only of his 2010 Tour de France title, but also his 2011 Giro d'Italia title.  Is this a fair decision?  I don't know, but I do know that per the rules, it is the right decision. 

These are the rules that everyone was aware of, or should have been aware of, and that everyone agreed to race by when they signed on to be a pro cyclist.  The time to protest the rule was before you failed a drug test.  To start crying about how unfair the rules is after you've been accused of breaking it, seems a tad hypocritical.

Secondly, the Lance Armstrong case.  Let's begin by allowing me to state that you're not likely to meet anyone with a bigger non-sexual man crush on Lance Armstrong than me. And despite what I'm about to say in the blog, frankly, even I believe that Lance probably engaged in some sort of illegal activity while he was racing.  If Lance wasn't doping, then he was probably the only one in the peloton at that time who wasn't. 

But knowing or believing something is one thing, proving it is another.

For the last 10 years of his cycling career, Lance was, without a doubt, the single most tested athlete on the face of the earth.  And not only has he never failed a drug test, he's never even had a "suspicious" drug test.  There are those who will say "well he just never got caught".  That very well could be true.  But these are the rules set down by WADA & the UCI.  You cannot ruin a person's career, and probably ruin them financially, based on what you believe happened.  You have to have facts if you are going to take those kind of drastic actions.

Soem will say that Alberto didn't deserve what he got, and Lance didn't get what he should have gotten.  That to may very well be true.  But if you are going to operate an organization like the UCI, you've got to have rules, and those rules have to be enforced for everyone.  You cannot get into the business of deciding who "deserves" punishment, based on what kind of person you perceive them to be.  Punishments have to be handed out based on the written rules and the facts in evidence in that case.

This reminds me of a true story here in Texas.  A few years ago, I was listening to the radio and they were talking about the case of a family who had showed up to claim their multi-million dollar Texas lottery prize.  They had the winning ticket, they showed up at the right office.  The trouble was, they showed up 3 days too late.  This was a family that really could have used the money.  One of the host of the radio show  was saying that the lottery commission should have gone ahead and given them the money, even though, per the rules, they were too late.  

The other radio host asked a very astute question.  What if it had been Donald Trump who showed up 3 days late to collect his millions of dollars?  Does he deserve to get it?  

If you are going to run something like the Texas Lottery, or the UCI, you cannot get into the business of determining who deserves a million dollars, or who deserves punishment, based on how nice a person they are.  There have to be rules, and they have to be enforced.

Now, do I think that these decisions are right?  Based on the rules set down by the UCI, absolutely yes.  Do I think that these rules are fair?  Probably not.  Just because these were the right decisions, based on the current rules, does't mean that the current rules don't need to be changed.

Who does the UCI blame for the current mess that is professional cycling?  They need look no farther than the mirror.  More on that in tomorrow's posting.

Peace out...NFF.

Let's try and be adults about this...

Today, I'd like to talk about a subject, that while it's somewhat uncomfortable to speak about in mixed company, but it is something that every avid cyclist has dealt with at least once in their cycling career.  


Of course, I'm referring to chamois cream.  (I'll wait a second for the collective gasp to quiet down.)  OK, now that we've managed to recompose ourselves, we can continue.


Just in case there are non-cyclist reading this, (what are the chances), who have no idea what chamois cream is, allow me to explain.  (Brace yourself.)  A chamois is the the piece of padding that sits in the bottom of a pair of cycling shorts, designed to cushion the riders backside and "naughty bits", from hours of sitting on the saddle whilst riding their bikes.  Chamois cream is a commercial product sold to lubricate and soften this padding.


Yes, I choose to use the phrase "naughty bits", being aware that there is the possibility, however remote, that children might inadvertently stumble upon this site and read this.  Other phrases that I considered, but rejected, were "private parts", "pee-pee", "wedding tackle", and the vulgar "weiner".  There were others that I could have used, but that's a long dark road that we do not want to go down.  Trust me on this.


I don't think I would get a lot of argument from other cyclist that chamois cream benefits most riders who choose to wear it.  Chamois cream is one of those things that, beneficial as it might be, a lot of cyclist avoid just because they are uncomfortable with one, or more aspects of either purchasing it, applying it, and wearing it.  Not to mention, talking about it with other cyclist.  As a guy, I can only speak from the male point-of-view.  I invite you gals out there to offer the female take on this.  But I think the problem is actually 3-fold.


Purchasing chamois cream.  It might just be me, but walking into my local bike shop, grabbing a tube of chamois cream, and walking up to counter and paying for it, is akin to my wife asking me to go to the store and buy her some maxi-pads.  I don't even like going down that aisle at the grocery store.  


And the manufacturers are absolutely no help.  Let's sample some of the names of some of the chamois creams that you're likely to find; 

• DZ Nuts (pronounced "deez nuts".  Hilarious.)
• or DZ Nuts Bliss (specifically for women.  Insert your own joke here.)
• Chamois Butt'r (somtimes marketed as "Butt Butt'r". Again, hilarious.)
• Belgium Budder (apparently the Belgium's don't know the proper spelling of Butt'r.)
• Udderly Smooth (really?  What has that got to do with biking and bike shorts?)
• And my personal favorite, Hoo Ha Ride Glide.  Marketed with the catch phrase "for women, by women".  If I didn't already know what it was for, I would have guessed some sort of women's marital aid.

Applying the chamois cream.  I think this is the part where most people get off the chamois cream bandwagon.  Especially for us guys, the idea of taking a handful of grease and applying it to our behind, "naughty bits", and the nooks & crevices in those areas, presents real problems.  This might be easier for women, as you all are a little more comfortable with lotions and creams and what not.  But I think I can speak with some authority that most guys would rather be whacked across the shins with a 2x4, than to have to grease up the backsides.

Two quick stories to pass along regarding the application of chamois cream.  Both of these stories are absolutely true. Lets's all try and learn something from my misfortune.

Story #1 - While out of town and staying in a hotel overnight for a bike ride, as is my habit the night before the ride, I put everything that I am going to need the next morning out on the table in my room.  This would include my kit, shoes, snacks to carry on the bike the next day, and my chamois cream.  What I failed to notice was that the table that everything was sitting on was right in front of the air conditioner.  With it being Texas and 105 degrees outside, said AC was running at full blast.  As uncomfortable as putting on warm chamois cream might be, it pales in comparison to putting on ice cold chamois cream.  The term "shrinkage" aptly describes the result.    

Story #2 - In preparing for my afternoon bike ride one day at home, I stepped into my closet to apply a generous coating of chamois cream.  Unfortunately for all involved, I failed to close the closet door.  As I'm in the middle of the application, my 12 year-old son walks into the room and has an excellent view of me "greasing up".  As he stared at his father, naked except for the bike short around his knees, slightly bent over at the waist, with his rear-end covered in a shiny coating of cream, he got a look of absolute horror on his face, and blurted out/scream, "What are you doing?!?!".  My completely plausible explanation failed to make him feel any better.  I'm fairly certain that we'll both be telling that story to a therapist one day.  

Wearing the chamois cream.  If you've managed to get over the hurdles of purchasing and then applying the chamois cream, then the actual wearing of the cream usually doesn't present too many issues.  There are a couple of pitfalls to be aware of.

First, I don't like to apply the cream before I arrive at the bike ride.  Sitting on the cloth seats in my car with shorts full of chamois cream, tends to lead to stains on the seat that no amount of explanation will make seem plausible.  So inevitably, you wind up standing in the door of your car, with your hand awkwardly shoved down the back of your shorts, trying to carefully "apply the grease".  This inevitably leads to some very strange looks from the people in the cars around you.

Secondly, you have to be careful not to apply too much chamois cream.  If you get carried away, the cream has been known to seep through the bike short.  It basically looks like you "snowed" in your pants.  This too has been known to lead to some odd looks and uncomfortable pointing.

As the title of the column indicates, it is my hope that we can all be adults about this.  For those of you who know me well, your screams of "fat chance of that" are deafening.  Quite frankly, I giggled the whole time I was writing this.  But as a committed wear'er of chamois cream, (Belgium Budder is the current flavor of the month), I refuse to let my Jr High sense of humor deter me from an obviously beneficial product.  I encourage you to do the same.

Just please remember to lock the door.

Peace out....NFF.

Waaay off the deep end...

If you are a regular reader of this blog, and frankly, how could you not be, you will have noticed a few "eccentricities" associated with my writing.  Among these are:

• My odd,  over-use of commas.
• My over-use of the words "frankly" & "apparently". 
• Numerous typos, which may or may not get corrected.
• My apparent inability to spell "eccentricities".  (You know it's bad when spell-check can't figure out what the he!! you were trying to spell.)

But of all the odd things you might have noticed about my writing, the oddest is probably the fact that I will post to this blog for several weeks on end, and then not post for weeks, or even months.  Then I'll start posting again.  And then stop.  And start again.  And then stop.  Etc. When I first started writing this blog, I literally posted every night.  Then it was 3 or 4 times a week.  Then a couple of times a week. And then finally, 2 or 3 times a month.


In trying to figure out why I do this, I've made a very disturbing and depressing discovery:


To be honest, I really don't have that much to say.  That is, I don't have much to say that anyone else might even remotely find interesting.


In addition to disturbing and depressing, I also found this discovery to be somewhat confusing.  It's confusing because while I don't really have anything interesting to say, I seem to always be saying something.  I seem to be constantly voicing my opinion about whatever  boring subject that randomly pops into my head.


And what's even odder, (odder?, more odd?), is that the knowledge that what I'm saying isn't particularly interesting, hasn't seemed to stop me, or even slow me down, from talking about it.  ("It" being what ever I'm talking about.)  I seem to just keep rambling on.


I bring all of this up now because even though I have had a hard time consistently writing to this blog, not only have I decided to once again resume posting to it, I've taken this experiment to it's extreme, illogical conclusion.  In addition to this blog, I will also be writing and maintaining an enter website.  


Where a lesser man might let his inability to consistently write to one website stop him from adding even more web responsibilities, I've decided that the best defense is a good offense.  Instead of giving up on a web presence all together, I've decided to expand my web empire by adding www.nearlyfamousfred.com.


That's not to be confused with this blog, nearlyfamousfred.blogspot.com. (You should probably go ahead and create separate bookmarks in your browser for both of these two sites, just to be safe.)  For simplicity sake, I'll refer to the website as "my website", and this blog as "my blog".  (It's a pretty simple system, but if you have trouble with it, post a comment and I'll explain it in more detail.)


While "my blog" is where I will be writing about my own cycling life and expressing my cycling opinions, "my website" will be more of a collection of cycling news and links.  Kind of a one-stop information site for all things cycling.


My hope here is that in researching and finding interesting cycling articles and cycling news items for "my website", this will stimulate my creative juices for ideas to write about in "my blog".  (See how well that system works.).  At least I hope it does.


More to come.  Peace out...NFF  

It Just Never Changes

Against my better judgement, I've decided to go ahead and start posting to this blog now and again. For those of you who thought this nightmare was over, I sincerely apologies.

I make no promises about the content of this blog. I'll try and minimize the use of this blog as a personal place for Nearly Famous Fred to b!tch and moan about anything that's bothering him, but again, I make no promises. If you're offended by cursing, or a thinly disguised reference to a curse, (see b!tch in the previous sentence), then this probably isn't the blog for you. I have been known to use some somewhat colorful language. My 12 year old son and our CPS case worker can confirm this.

With those extreeemly thin promises as a back-drop, I'd like to go ahead and b!tch and complain about something. (Sorry, I tried my best. Really.)

If you're a cyclist in the Dallas/Ft Worth area, heartoafter referred to as DFW, you are undoubtedly familiar with BikeDFW.org . They are a cycling advocacy group dedicated to "increase the use, accessibility, and safety of bicycling in North Texas". A nobel pursuit if every there was one.

I would like to bring to your attention, the following article that I found on the BikeDFW website today. Please click here to read the article.

I know. I was as shocked as you are. Cyclist misbehaving on our beloved Collin County roads? I find it hard to imagine a world were such a thing is possible. But apparently, it's true. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with my writing, such as it is, I currently hold a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Sarcasm.)

For those of you who just refuse to believe that this is true, as a resident of Collin County and a cyclist for the last 11 years, I have a few observations and statements to pass along to you:

1) Dear PBA...while your fake Tour de France pelaton is very impressive, we all know it's not really the Tour de France. I for one, would be more impressed if, instead of riding a large group of 20 to 50 riders all over the road, you just rode in a nice double pace line, and singled up and allowed the automobile traffic to pass you. You will get bonus points if you can avoid shouting or flipping off the drivers of the cars as they go by.

2) The next time I see someone in a McKinney Velo kit stop at a stop sign, or stop at a red light and actually wait for it to turn green, it will be the first time.

3) While I have never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the package, even I can see that there is nothing good to be gained by blocking traffic while on one of my bike rides. The absolutely best thing that is going to happen is that I am going to pi$$ off a motorist. And as I frequent the Collin County roads quite often, odds are that I'm likely to cross paths with said motorist again. Even as dim-witted as my 12 year old will tell you I am, (enthusiastically tell you), even I can see that there is nothing good to be gained by that.

Don't get me wrong, I ride these Collin County roads frequently, so I know exactly who we're dealing with. While most of the people who live in these area's are very tolerant of cyclist, it would seem that there are some people living out there on the back roads, who are working from a very shallow gene pool. I've had more than one beer bottle fly by my head.

But if we're going to continue to enjoy riding on these roads, we've got to learn to get along. Even if some of the motorist make it difficult, we've got to hold up our end of the deal and ride legally. If we don't the rest of Collin County could wind up like Anna, TX.

If your wondering why, as a Collin County cyclist, you're not familiar with Anna, there's a very simple reason. In 2006, Anna passes a city ordinance, effectively banning cyclist from the main road through the middle of town. It seems the good folk of Anna got tired of cycling groups rolling through the middle of town blocking traffic. They can be unreasonable that way.

If it can happen in Anna, it can happen in a lot of other places. The Collin County Sheriff's Department has given us all a warning. Right now, they're just writing tickets. If attitudes from the cyclist don't change, I don't want to find out what the next step might be.

This has been a Nearly Famous Freditorial.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

It never ceases to amaze me...

I've always considered myself to be a pretty level headed and logical kind of guy. Per my Buddhist tendencies and Lutheran background and upbringing, I don't tend to react to situations in any sort of extreme manner. I don't get terribly excited about the good things, and I don't get too upset about the bad things. I figure that things tend to even out over time.

Along those same lines, I don't get surprised by too many things either. You don't tend to get knocked off of your feet by a wave, if you're content to bob along with the tide.

(Wow, that's actually pretty deep. Feel free to quote me on that.)

But the other day, I was surprised by a couple of things. Allow me to give you a not so brief synopsis of what happened.

Last Saturday, my wife and I were on our way to pick up our son Michael, as he was participating in a chess tournament over in Plano.

(We are currently training him to be a nerd. It appears to be going well.)

As we're driving along, I noticed up ahead, something swerving all over the right hand lane of the two lane road we were driving on. We got closer, and I realized it was a cyclist. As we come up behind him, we all arrived at a red light. I'm guessing that most of you know what's coming next. That's right, the guy runs the red light.

I should have figured the guy was going to run the red light, as he was wearing a tank top skin suit. A dead give away that the guy was a triathlete. No offense to any triathletes who happen to be reading this, or are having someone read it to them, (I'm kidding.), but it is my opinion, and only my opinion, that triathletes tend to ride their bicycles in a more haphazard, slightly illegal fashion that other cyclist. I'm not saying all triathletes ride this way, or even most triathletes. I'm just saying that they tend to be slightly ahead of the curve on illegal riding habits. For more of my opinions on triathletes, please click here.

So, the guy runs the red light. I suppress my desire to immediately run the guy down.

(Again, I'm kidding, sort of.)

After Trish and I wait for the light to turn green, I move to the left lane and roll my passenger's window down. As I pull up along side of him, I shout out the window, "You really should stop at those red lights!". To his credit, showing that he's not a complete idiot, he doesn't respond in any fashion, at least not yet, which is the correct response in this situation. Having said my piece, we go on down the road, where we catch the red light at the next intersection. Since we're making a left turn at this intersection, we're in the left turn lane. I glance in my mirror and I notice that the guy on the bike has now moved from the right lane, to the left lane, which is right next to the left turn lane. I continue to watch him, and he has now moved to the left side of that left lane, so that he is now going to pass right next to my car. Again, I imagine that most of you can guess what's going to happen next. For those of you who guessed that he flipped me off as he went by, you would once again be correct.

The finger flip is actually the retort of last resort. If you've completely run out of arguments and you have no logical responses to an adversaries arguments, and you finally admit to yourself that you were indeed wrong, but you refuse to admit it to your opponent, the the finger flip is what you resort too. It is the 'dirty bomb' of verbal confrontation.

He then proceeds to pedal up to the front of the line of cars waiting for the red light, were he cuts in front of the left lane of traffic and the cars in left turn lane, making an illegal u-turn, and once again, running another red light. So he is now traveling back down the 4 lane divided road towards me. I won't bore you with the detail, but needless to say, as he went by, we exchanged more pleasantries and obscure hand gestures.

So what, might you ask, surprised me about this encounter?

The first thing that surprised me about this, and it's something that continues to surprise me every time I see it, is the moronic way some people ride their bicycles. I don't know about you, but when I ride my bike on the road, I try and give the automobiles a healthy amount of respect. Not that most of them have earned that respect, but by the shear size of them, compared to the size of me and my bike, and the amount of damage they could potentially do to me and my bike, they should be given that respect. If for no other reason that simple self preservation.

The second thing that surprised me about this encounter, arose from a very intelligent question that Trish asked. It wasn't surprising that Trish asked an intelligent question. You can believe me when I say that if an intelligent question is going to be asked at our house, it is more than likely going to come from Trish. Next would be our 10 year old son Michael, then our cat Boo. Currently, I rate slightly ahead of our dog Pepper, but she's only 8 months old. I expect that she'll pass me in the rankings sometime this winter.

No, what was surprising was that I didn't immediately have a good answer for her. Now in all fairness to me, (I usually try and be as fair as possible to me), the fact that I was screaming out the window at this guy was probably distracting me from forming an intelligent response to Trish.

So, as I rolled my passenger window down and was getting ready to shout at the guy, Trish asked, "Why do you need to say something to this guy? What do you care how he rides his bike?"

That's actually a pretty good question. Why would I need to say something to this guy? What do I care if this guy goes out and rides like an idiot?

How this guy rides actually falls under my famous and much talked about theory of the "Self-Correcting Problem".

The problem here is that this guy, and others like him, ride in an unsafe, illegal, and moronic fashion.

The correction to this problem is that eventually, if this guys continues to ride like this, he's going to do something unsafe and moronic at the wrong time, and he'll wind up getting squashed under a large vehicle.

And the problem will have corrected itself.

So if the odds are that eventually this problem will correct itself, why do I feel the need to address it with him. Until this guy gets himself squashed under a big vehicle, he not only makes himself look bad, but he makes all cyclist look bad. When motorist see this guy run a red light, they don't think "Look at that cyclist run that red light! That cyclist is riding illegally." No, what they actually think is that "All cyclist ride illegally." Motorist don't make the distinction between the actions of a single rider, and the actions of all riders. When riders like my new red light running friend ride illegally, they make us all look bad. I have enough problems keeping myself out of trouble, without getting lumped in with this guy. This guy riding like he does, makes it more difficult for all of us to go out and ride our bikes without getting beer bottles thrown at our heads. We should all be upset about how this guy rides. We should all want to say something to him.

When the city of Anna, Texas, just north of McKinney, banned bicyclist from FM 455, that didn't just ban the cyclist who had been riding in a large, fake, Tour de France peleton, and causing all of the problems. They banned all cyclist from that road. That's the danger to the rest of us law abiding riders, that cyclist like my new friend pose. While this guy, and the others like him, may be in the minority of cyclist, they are the ones that get the vast majority of the attention of motorist. Who are motorist more likely to remember? This guy running the red light on his bicycle, or me stopping at the red light on my bike, and waiting for it to turn green. They'll have forgotten about me 10 seconds after that light turns green. But they'll remember this guy every time they see a cyclist on the road.

That's why I needed to say something to this guy.

On a more personal note, if you happen to be in the McKinney, TX area either riding your bike, or just driving your car, and you happen to find yourself on McKinney Ranch Parkway, between Alma Rd and Custer Rd, keep a look out for my new friend. He would be the guy on his bike, in a tank top skin suit, swerving all over the road, and not stopping at the stop signs or the red lights. If you happen to see him, be sure to roll your window down and express your opinion on how he's riding. Also, be sure to tell him the Nearly Famous Fred said hi.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S....Next week we have Nearly Famous Fred first. I'll be reporting remotely from Wichita Falls, TX. What, you might ask, in the name of God, could possibly make me spend a weekend in Wichita Falls, TX. Just about the only thing that could do that, is a bike ride. And not just any bike ride, but The Hotter-N-Hell 100 bike ride. Nothing says "Good Times!" like riding your bicycle through the lovely Wichita Falls scrub brush country side, in the 105 degree heat, for 100 mikes. Or in my case, 100 kilometers. Now that's living. I'll even be taking a day of vacation from work next Friday, so I can spend even more time in Wichita Falls. These are the kind of decisions that will eventually force Trish to put me in some sort of sub-standard nursing home.

NFF

OK, let's try this again

Over the last few months, I've made a startling discovery about myself. There's the very real possibility that I may be lazier than even I had thought. I might be lazier than I thought was humanly possible. The reason I gave myself, (whenever I asked myself), for stopping posting to this blog was that "I'm just way too busy to write a blog. I've just got too much going on to take the time to write every day."

But as I started examining my day to day activities, I made the aforementioned startingly discovery. While I certainly had a lot that needed to get done, I very rarely actually did any of those things. If I had actually done, or even attempted to do, any of the many things that I needed to do, then yes, I would have been very busy.

As those of you who have spent, i.e...wasted, any of your time reading this blog in the past can attest to, I am a self-confessed very lazy person. I haven't seen any official ratings, but I very well could be the laziest person. I'm certainly in the top 10.

I recently heard someone actually say the following:

"I just can't sit still and do nothing. That would just drive me crazy!"

As this person said these words, I became very confused. I recognized the words as being English, and I knew what each individual word meant. But as they were constructed into sentences, they just didn't make any sense to me. I've spent the greater part of my life striving towards "sit still and doing nothing". Call it a dream if you will. The fact that I have so much that needs to get done, yet I spend an amazingly large percentage of my time avoiding actually doing anything, only serves to amplify my laziness.

You see, there are two schools of thought on laziness. First, there is the person who doesn't really have anything to do, and doesn't invest any time in actually looking for something to do. Let's call this person the Entry Level Lazy Person. It's a good place to start, but it takes no real self discipline to achieve. Basically, you have nothing to do, and you spend most of your time not doing it. Pretty easy.

Existing on a whole other level, is the Advanced Lazy Person. This is the category that I surprisingly find myself in. This is the person, that while they have a lot that needs to be done, they have the self discipline to force themselves not to do it. They have the drive to remain sitting in their big leather man-chair and do nothing, all the while, any number of task remain to be completed. They have the internal fortitude to ignore the guilt of letting deadlines pass, and still continue to watch TV. It's pretty damned heroic if you think about it.

I tell you this because I've been getting the itch to start posting to this blog again. As a card carrying Advanced Lazy Person, I find this extremely annoying. I've been perfectly content over the last several months, to sit around and do nothing, (aside from riding my bike every chance I get), and now I've got this nagging urge to get up and go do something. Personally, I view this as some sort of failure on my part. I've resisted the urge to actually accomplish something for so long, and now I just have to get up and get something done. It's like the last few months of doing nothing have been wasted.

So here's the deal. Since I'm still clinging to the idea that I'm just too busy to post to this blog everyday, (self delusion can really be a very handy thing), I'm going to make this a weekly column. I will post to this blog once a week, probably on Saturday evenings. If I happened to stumble across something that I just have to write about before the weekend, then I'll post a Nearly Famous Fred Special Edition. Even I, being as lazy as I am, should be able to come up with something, (hopefully something entertaining, but I make no guarantees), just once a week. We'll see how that goes.

OK, I've been typing for almost 15 consecutive minutes now. I should probably go take a nap.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I do not like surprises

Sorry for my recent disappearing act from this blog. It seems that between work, spring break with my family, and yes, getting the course ready for Tour Dallas, I haven't had a lot of time for blogging. And this may come as a bit of a surprise, but given that it is nearly impossible to make a mortgage payment by writing a free blog, I do have to give work priority. If anyone has an idea of how I can make a living writing this blog, I'm all ears.

But things have settled down just enough that I'm able to resume my blogging responsibilities.

A quick review. The last time we spoke 3 weeks ago, we were discussing the ongoing preparations of the route for Tour Dallas. A lot has happened since then. We had a big meeting with the Dallas Police Department, along with people from Dallas City Hall where the ride will be starting. Maybe it's just me, but it always makes me nervous to go down to police headquarters. Don't get me wrong. I'm a fairly law abiding citizen, but I'm always afraid that something I did 20 years ago, that I have since completely forgotten about, will come back to bite me.

We've used the same basic route for Tour Dallas for the last 4 or 5 years, so you would think that getting things ready would be a pretty simple matter by now. You'd think that, wouldn't you. Well, you'd be wrong. It seems that every year, there are a few thinks that come up that cause me, Nearly Famous Fred - Route Coordinator, headaches. This year would be no exception.

This past Sunday I, along with my friend, cycling buddy, and all around good egg, Cliff DeWitt, went out and rode the Tour Dallas route. Along with Cliff and myself, we also road with a new friend of Cliff's named Brian. We try and do this pre-event ride every year, just to make sure that there are no surprises on the route that we weren't previously aware of. Well guess what, we encountered a couple of surprises.

Headache Causing Surprise # 1 - While riding the route, we discovered a previously undisclosed spot of construction on the route. While this was a very small bit of construction, it had to be dealt with. Apparently, as they are want to do sometimes, the City of Dallas had to dig a hole in one of the roads we are using for the ride. The hole is now covered with a very large piece of steel plate, but the transition over this steel plate is very rough. After confirming with the city that this hole and steel plate are still going to be in place next Saturday, we made arrangements to have the plate coned off.

To any Tour Dallas riders who might be reading this blog: I did not dig this hole in the road. I did not place the large piece of steel plate on top of the hole. I did not make the transition over the steel plate so rough. It is not my fault that it is there, and there is exactly nothing that I can do about it, but to cone off the hole and the steel plate. If you stay out of the coned off area, you will be just fine. You have been warned.

Headache Causing Surprise # 2 - Last year, part of the route was under construction, so we had to alter the course to avoid this section. This year, the construction is complete, so we went back to the original route. Now again, you'd think that a brand new section of road would be the last part of the course that you'd have to be concerned about regarding the condition of the road surface. Well once again, you'd be wrong. When we came to this section of the course on our Sunday pre-ride, imagine our surprise when we encountered several one inch wide seams between the sections of poured concrete. Just wide enough for a bicycle tire to slip into and cause all sorts of mayhem and destruction as 4000 riders go by. This was a little more serious than the hole and steel plate that we encountered earlier in the ride. Phone calls were placed, names were called, insults were traded. After looking at the section of road with the Dallas Police, it was determined that if we coned off the right hand lane of this part of the course, we could avoid these evil road seams.

Again, to any Tour Dallas riders: I had literally nothing to do with the construction of this section of road. I did not make the seams so wide. If you stay out of the coned off sections, you just might live long enough to finish the ride.

Headache Causing Surprise # 3 - As we approached downtown Dallas, we round a corner and what do we see. The road that we are currently riding on, the same road that the cyclist are supposed to ride on in six days, is completely shut down and blocked with barricades and cones. There are cranes in the road, (the construction equipment type of crane, not the bird type), along with all other sorts of heavy machinery. I immediately suspect that this could be a problem if this is still here next Saturday, considering that 4000 cyclist are supposed to ride their bikes down this road. I'm smart that way. I didn't get to be a Route Coordinator based on my smile and my charming personality.

After we complete our ride, in a panic I notify Bikin Mike of this situation, and how, I my opinion, it would be unsafe for our 4000 riders to ride through this construction zone, what with the constant threat of large pieces of construction material being dropped on the riders from great heights. Mike agrees that this could be a problem. And so more phone calls are placed, more names are called, and more insults are traded. It turns out that this is a temporary construction site and it should all be gone by next Saturday. Piece and tranquility reined over the land once again.

These are the types of problems that present themselves every year. There is always something to be dealt with, even on a route that hasn't changed in 5 years.

So, we've got our course finalized. I've prepared all of the signs. I've prioritized all of the corners on the route, so that the most important corners are the first to get a route volunteer. We basically have only two things to do; paint the arrows on the pavement, and train the volunteers. In tomorrow's post, we review our day painting arrows. It was a good day, no one died.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

I see "people". They're everywhere.

Before we continue on with our educational series on what goes into getting a course ready for a bike ride, I thought I'd a take a minute and answer a question that was posted by one of my readers.

After reading my last post regarding the Eternal Struggle of all Route Coordinators, that is, not getting enough volunteers from the Volunteer Coordinator to do everything that I would like to do on the route, Joe Biker writes:

Just curious.....
couldn't you recruit some help and bring them in on your own for your department without having to go through a volunteer coordinator?

An excellent question. But there are a couple of basic flaws in Joe's thinking here. First of all, he assumes that I have the motivation and/or the people skills to go out and recruit people of my own. That would be an incorrect assumption. Most people who know me will tell you that I am an extremely lazy person. To think that I could get motivated enough to go out and recruit route volunteers on my own, would not only be incorrect, but also fool hearty.

And to be honest with you, (and I hope we can be honest with each other), even if I did go out to recruit my own volunteers, I certainly don't have the people skills to talk anyone into doing anything. Why do you think I became a Software Developer? Well, I'll tell you why. So I wouldn't have to deal with "people". Little did I know that I would wind up spending a great deal of my time sitting in meetings with "people", listening to them try and tell me what they want the software to do. Now, that might have turned out to be a bad choice on my part, but you see the basis of my decision.

I am basically becoming a recluse and a hermit. And whats more, I like it. Generally, I try and avoid "people" at all cost. It's nothing personal against any one person in particular, but just people in general. Present company excluded.

Think about the job of a Route Coordinator. Of all of the jobs involved in putting on a bike ride, Route Coordinator is probably the one that involves the least amount of contact with "people". The vast majority of my time is spent with maps, and getting signs ready, and for the most part, not dealing with "people". True, on the day of the ride, I actually have to meet with the "people" and give them their instructions for the day. But then, I send them out on the route, and I don't have to see them again for 5 or 6 hours. Once I do see them again, I just collect my sign and send them home. Of the dozens of hours I spend each year getting the course ready for Tour Dallas, I might spend a grand total of about 7 hours in direct contact with "people".

To think that I would actually go and seek "people" out, is a very misguided assumption.

So Joe, to answer your question, while it might be a viable alternative for others to go out and find their own volunteers, for me, it's just easier to whine, complain, threaten, and beg for volunteers from the Volunteer Coordinator. Never let it be said that I didn't take the path of least resistance. And quite frankly, the Route Volunteer would probably prefer that I have as little actual contact with the volunteers as possible.

By the way, if you'd like to have your question answered by me, Nearly Famous Fred, please don't hesitate to leave a comment. I can't promise that you'll like the answer that you get, or that the answer will make any sense to anyone but me, but I will answer.

Next post, we get back to discussing our preparations for Tour Dallas. We look at the delicate relationship between the bike ride producers and the local law enforcement.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Tour Coordinator's eternal struggle

While Route Coordinator may be the "glamour" position of your typical bike ride, a bike ride is nothing without it's volunteers. And if there's one undeniable truth when it comes to bike ride volunteers, it's that there's never enough to go around.

Tour Dallas presents special problems when it comes to the route and the route volunteers.

Placing the route signs around the course, even one day ahead of time, would be a complete waste of time. Those signs tend to wander off by the next day. Also, the city of Dallas sign ordinance makes it illegal. So not wanting to upset the local law enforcement, we actually to not "place" any signs on the route. Any signs that we use for Tour Dallas are held by a route volunteer.

We do paint arrows on the pavement for Tour Dallas, but even that is problematic. It seems that there are some residence who live in the White Rock Lake area, that don't appreciate the subtle beauty of a properly painted route arrow on their local streets. These same residence are apparently not shy about calling their Dallas City Council representatives about said arrows. They either call their representative, or given that many of those same representatives are their neighbors around the lake, they just walk over and talk to them about the arrows. One thing has lead to the other, and suffice it to say, we do not paint any arrows around the lake. Given that we cannot place signs on the route, (see the previous paragraph), this means that every turn around the lake has to have a volunteer at it. (I'm getting a headache just writing about this.)

There are 75 turns that the riders must successfully negotiate, to get around the Tour Dallas course. That means that there are 75 corners were I would like to have a Route Volunteer. The words "like to have" are the important words in that sentence. I know going in that there is no way I am going to get 75 route volunteers. If memory serves correctly, I think the most route volunteers that I have ever had to send out on the route is about 30. This brings me to the most important skill that a Route Coordinator can posses. That would be the ability to lie, cheat, steal, and/or intimidate the Volunteer Coordinator into giving you as many Route Volunteers as can be squeezed out of her.

The Volunteer Coordinator is the person responsible for recruiting the volunteers, and assigning them to the particular parts of the ride. Some of the volunteers will work the break points. Some will work at the start/finish area. Still others will work at rider registration. But the extra-special volunteers will be given the glory of working on the route. Those who are deemed worthy, will be sent to me, to be assigned a place of honor out on the route, assisting our valiant riders around the course. The difficulties arise between the Volunteer Coordinator and the Route Coordinator, over just how many volunteers should be deemed worthy.

My argument, which so far has been somewhat ineffective, is that it doesn't make a lot of sense to have volunteers working the finish area, if all of the riders get lost out on the route and don't make it to the finish. Same argument goes for the break points. What good are break point volunteers, if everybody is wandering aimlessly around downtown Dallas on their bicycles, and no one makes it to the break points.

I'm 6'3" tall, 195 lbs. The Volunteer Coordinator for Tour Dallas might be 5'6". Can someone please explain to me what kind of topsy-turvey world we live in, when I can't intimidate her into giving me all the route volunteers I want? It's just not fair.

It may surprise you to know, that a certain percentage of the route volunteers that we use for Tour Dallas are Community Service volunteers. Those would be people, who have been assigned by the courts to serve a particular number of hours doing community service work. Truth is, those are some of the most dependable, hardworking volunteers that we have. The only problem with these particular volunteers, is that we are forbidden to ask them what they did to get assigned to community service. I myself, have a real problem with this. It takes every ounce of self control I can muster, to keep from blurting out, "So what did you do?". I doubt we have any spies, or gangsters, or anything else cool like that working among us. But that doesn't keep me from wondering.

Aside from the community service volunteers, the majority of our volunteers are just people who enjoy serving, and enjoy being out and around other people. Being somewhat of a recluse in training myself, I really don't understand this point of view. I may admire it, I just don't understand it.

So the next bike ride you go to, try and take notice of those brave Route Volunteers standing by the side of the road. For they are the cream of the bike ride volunteer crop. While theirs may be a glorious task, it is not overflowing with rewards. The quick "thanks" that you shout as you ride by, may be the only reward they get that day.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Route Map, the most valuable thing 80% of you will never look at

Tonight, we continue to look at what goes into producing a bike rally. In particular, we look at the lonely, much under appreciated, but extremely important job of the Route Coordinator. Specifically for this post, we focus on the route map.

(A quick aside here. If my posting tonight seems a little distracted, it's because my son is working on his homework on the house computer. This forces me to work off of my laptop in the living room. Unfortunately for me, my wife is watching American Idol in the living room, and no matter how much I beg and plead, she won't turn it off. If I'm forced to endure much more of this show, I'll probably grow breast.)

Back to our discussion of the route map. As I type the words "route map", I can sense a lot of you out there scratching your head, with no idea what I'm talking about. The route map is one of those pieces of paper that you get in your ride goody bag, that you never read, and simply throw away, after you've removed the power bar and the tube patch kit that you'll never use. While I certainly agree that 90% of the stuff you get in the average goody bag can be immediately thrown away, the route map is one that you might want to consider holding on to.

If you are one of that 20% minority who have actually looked at a route map before, you're probably used to looking at something like the following. This is the Rider Route Map for last year's Collin Classic:


Very pretty, isn't it. All of the different routes clearly marked, with no clutter to confuse the riders. Now her is my Route Coordinator map of that same ride:


Notice all of the little dots and icons and arrows that appear on my map. Everyone of those dots represents a route volunteer, or a police officer, or a sign, or a break point. Actually, as Route Coordinator Maps go, this one is actually fairly simple. Here's the Route Coordinator map for the very urban Tour Dallas ride:


Impressive, isn't it? The reason I wanted all of you to see my version of the maps, wasn't to impress you, although I can tell you're extremely impressed, but to show you what goes in to getting a course ready for a bike ride. Every icon on that map has to be planned for. Preparations have to be made. Volunteers have to be recruited and trained on what they will need to do. Signs have to be printed and paid for. Police officers have to be assigned a location on the route, and yes, paid for. Time and a half overtime by the way, to be exact. (Tour Dallas will have 188 police officers on the route this year. Everyone of them earning time and a half to help keep the riders safe. You're welcome.)

So the next time you show up at a local bike ride and pickup your goody bag, instead of just throwing the route map away, go ahead and slip it into your jersey pocket. If for no other reason, just to remind you of what went into getting the course ready for you. Oh, it might also keep you from getting lost.

Next post: Route Volunteers, worth their weight in gold.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

We start down a long, dark road

As promised, today I would like to introduce all of you to the wonderful world of bike ride production. Hopefully, by the end of our little magical journey, you'll have a better appreciation as to what goes on in the weeks, and yes, even the months leading up to that morning when you show up at your local Saturday morning bike rally, pay your $25 to $40 dollars, collect your goody bag, and go for a ride.

As I have mentioned before, I work with Bikin' Mike Keel, (in Texas, we don't pronounce or spell trailing g's on words), here in the greater Dallas/Ft Worth metroplex, where he produces several bike rally's in the area. My official title, (actually, as an unpaid volunteer, I'm not sure how official it is), is Route Coordinator. Once again, I capitalize Route and Coordinator to add importance. Impressive, isn't it?

So what exactly does a Route Coordinator do? Excellent question. My duties as Route Coordinator include, but are not limited to:

* Getting the course ready for the ride. This means that I am the guy, who goes out in the days before the ride, and paints the arrows on the pavement that direct the riders around the course. If there's anything I've learned from the years I've been painting arrows on our rural Texas roads, is that if there's a way for a rider to get lost, they'll get lost.

* I'm also the guy who places the the route signs, or "signage" as we call it in the business, out on the route. This means that I have to be familiar with every twist and turn on the route, and make sure that we have a sign to go at every corner. The timing of the actual placing of the route signs out on the course gets a little tricky. It seems that if you place the signs out on the course too early, they tend to get bored and wander off. Some teenager here in the McKinney area, has a very nice collection of Collin Classic signs in his bedroom. So typically, we don't place the route signs out on the course until the day before the ride.

* One of the more stressful duties that I have is the coordination of the route volunteers that go out on the course and stand at the corners, making sure that you don't get lost. Why would this be stressful, you ask? Another excellent question. Quite simply, there are never enough volunteers to meet the needs of the Route Coordinator. There are never enough volunteers to cover all of the corners that I would like to have a volunteer at. Never. Never ever. There just isn't, ever. Also adding to the stress, is the one universal truth when it comes to bike rally volunteers; "If someone is not required to be somewhere, they tend not to be there." We always have a certain percentage of people, who no matter how many times they say there going to be there, don't show up. Not that I'm unsympathetic. Things come up sometimes. A child gets sick. Work calls and you have to go into the office. There's a really kick @ss rerun of Speed Racer on. All of these are what I would consider to be valid reason's for not making it to the ride.

So with these duties in mind, let me get you up to speed on my preparations for Tour Dallas. With the ride being on April 4th this year, we're about a month out from ride day. I received the route signs from Bikin Mike this past Saturday, so I now have 4, very large boxes of signs, occupying valuable space in my garage.

Just yesterday, we finalized the route for this year. But, aha, you might ask, "Fred, given that this is the 5th or 6th year of the Tour Dallas, wouldn't this year's route be the same as last year's route?" Once again, another great question. Well this year, we are moving the start of the ride from the American Airlines Center, (AAC), to Dallas City Hall Plaza. Wanting to leave our business relationship with the AAC on good terms, I won't go into too much detail on why we're moving the start, but suffice it to say, the good folks operating the AAC don't seem to be a terribly motivated group of people.

(The views expressed here are those of the author, and do not reflect the views or opinions of Bikin' Mike Keel, or anyone else involved with the production of Tour Dallas).

This, along with the fact that there is always road construction in Dallas, require subtle changes to the route each year. I have to document all of these subtle course changes, make sure that I have signs to accommodate the change, and when necessary, make sure I have a route sign to go on any new corners.

In my next post, we will discuss the much under appreciated skill of route map making. You'll learn how to spend hour after hour working on a map, that 90% of the people you give it to will never look at.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

Giddy with anticipation

Now that we're through the Tour of California, a quiver of anticipation is beginning to grow in me. I've been in the spin studio for 4 month's now, and as nice a place as it is, I pretty much have all the posters memorized. I really need to get outside and ride my bike.

Aside from the fact that I'm starting to go stir crazy from spinning in place for 4 months, I know it's getting close to the beginning of the outdoor season, because preparations for Tour Dallas are beginning to ramp up. For those of you who aren't from the D/FW area, and aren't familiar with Tour Dallas, allow me to elaborate.

For the last 5 years, (at least I think it's been five years, maybe six), Bikin Mike has produced the Tour Dallas, an "Urban Cycling Adventure" as he likes to call it. I'm sure there are many New York City cyclist who would laugh at this being called an "urban" bike ride, but for around here, it's an urban ride. The ride starts at the Dallas City Hall Plaza, makes it's way through downtown Dallas, out around White Rock Lake, and back to City Hall. If you're interested, you can get the details at the Tour Dallas website.

There are several striking differences between Tour Dallas and your typical bike ride. First, the longest route is only 30 miles. For a lot of us, 30 miles is a warm up ride. (Notice how I subtly include myself in that group.) So this is not a ride where you're going to give you're endurance a real test. To make up for the shortness of the ride, many of the more hardcore cyclist try to make up for it with speed. Which brings me to my next difference.

This is not a ride where you're going to be able to attempt a personal best time for 30 miles, for a couple of reasons. Given that we're on urban Dallas streets, there are lots of twist and turns. Definitely not the kind of course where you're going to be able to go flat out for miles at a time. The other reason this ride doesn't lend itself to individual time trials, is the police presence. As route coordinator, I usually ride in the lead police car, leading the riders out on the route. The officer that I have ridden with the last several years, usually keeps his speed to about 17 or 18 mph, and he's not shy at all about getting on his P/A, and making sure the riders stay behind his car.

On a personal note, let me just say this; riding in the front seat of a police car is a much more enjoyable experience than riding in the back seat. The front seat hardly smells like urine and vomit at all. It's also a lot more fun in a police car when the handcuffs aren't cutting off your circulation, and the pepper spray isn't causing your eyes to burn. But that's a story for another post.

Next. How do I politely say this? The road surfaces within the Dallas city limits aren't quite up to the same high standard that you're probably used to riding on. OK, truth be told, the roads suck. Now I'm sure that they don't suck any more than the roads in any other major city, but the fact remains, compared to the roads that we're used to riding through the countryside on, they do suck. After last year's ride, a cyclist came up to me, obviously upset, to complain about the roads. This makes perfect sense, since as the route coordinator, all of the potholes on Dallas city streets are my fault. He actually said that we should mark every pothole on the route with paint. Once I stopped laughing in his face, I explained to him that there isn't enough paint in Dallas County to mark every pothole on the route. Then, letting the smart @ss in me get the best of me, I asked him if his Mommy goes out and marks the potholes for him when he goes out on training ride. He didn't see the humor in that, but I though it was pretty funny.

So, given all of the issues and problems that I've so carefully documented here, (Mike, you can thank me later), why would I, the hard core hammer-head cyclist, want to ride in Tour Dallas. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure that you would. And I think that's probably OK with Bikin Mike.

For you see, Tour Dallas was not designed for the hard core hammer- head cyclist like yourself. This ride was designed for the casual cyclist. The family of cyclist. This is a ride designed to get those people who are new to cycling to come out and ride. Every year, I have cyclist come up to me after the ride, and tell me how they were always too intimidated to come out and ride in a rally. But that they had an absolutely fantastic time at Tour Dallas. Those are the exact type of cyclist that this ride was designed to attract.

So am I saying that you, the hard core hammer-head cyclist is not wanted or welcome at Tour Dallas. No, of course your welcome! Provided that you can behave yourself. Provided that you can accept the ride for what it is. Or better yet, what it is not. It is not a race. For all of the reasons that I outlined above, be prepared to ride at a nice casual pace. You are not going to be able to fly around this course at 25 mph. You are also not going to find the nice, glassy smooth asphalt that you'll find out in the countryside. You're going to have to pay attention to the road. Your also going to have to pay attention to the other cyclist. Last year, we had over 3,000 cyclist on the ride. You won't be able to just put you're head down and pedal. As disappointing as it might be, you're going to actually have to pay attention to the others around you. You might even have to be considerate of the other riders and motorist. It's a bummer I know, but deal with it.

If you, the hard core hammer-head cyclist can ride under these unforgiving conditions, then please, by all means, come out and join us on April 4th, in downtown Dallas. If you can't, no offense, but it would probably be just as well if you stayed away.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

P.S...I have mentioned before that I am the Route Coordinator for Tour Dallas, (Route Coordinator is capitalised to add importance). Over the next few weeks, I'm going to take all of you through the process of getting a route ready for a bike ride. Hopefully, when you attend your next bike rally, you'll have a new appreciation for what goes into producing a bike ride. And maybe, just maybe, you'll get off my back. It's not my fault you got lost. NFF.

An exercise in a forgone conclusion

I must admit that despite my previous statements that most of the cycling you see on TV is somewhat boring, the last few stages of this year's Tour of California were a little more exciting than I thought they would be. But just a little more. Wrapping up my series, what follows are my observations and musings of Stages 6, 7, and 8 of the ToC. Brace yourself.

Stage 6, The Race of Truth
* Both Tyler Hamilton and Fast Freddie Rodriguez have mechanical issues with their bikes during the time trail. Rock Racing immediately issues their "Our TT bikes suck, not like those kick @ss TT bikes that Astana rides" Special Edition team kits. Now available for the low, low cost of your first born child, or your immortal soul.

* Speaking of technical issues, did there seem to be a lot of technical problems with the Tour itself? It seemed that the team directors were constantly gripping about the inaccurate info on race radio. And this might have slipped by a lot of you, but they seemed to have problems getting pictures of the actual racing if it even thought about raining. My favorite moment came during the time trial when they posted a split time for Michael Rodgers, a full 2 minutes before he reached the split.

* If you're an opposing cyclist, and you're whole strategy depends on making up time on Levi in a time trial, you might as well pack up and head home. It ain't gonna happen.

Stage 7
* While it's nice to see another mountain, with a 9 mile descent and 5 finishing circuits in town before the finish, it would appear that we're in store for another bunch sprint. Would it just kill them to finish on a mountain top just once? Heaven help us if they held a mountain stage that might actually impact the overall GC ranking.

* Is there anybody who knows even just a little about pro cycling, who doesn't think that George Hincapie is a really nice guy. Love his cycling clothing line too. Team Bikin' jerseys are Hincapie. Plus, he married a hot podium girl. So he's got that going for him.....which is nice. (That would be a line from the funniest movie of all time, Caddyshack.)

* There seems to be a greater variety of knuckleheads dressed up in costumes on the side of the road at the Tour of California, than you traditionally see in a European stage race. Once again, USA #1. No offense to my European readers. (Don't laugh, I actually do have European readers.)

* It would seem that George Hincapie was awarded the Most Courageous Rider jersey by the media, after yesterday's time trail. How exactly does one determine a "Most Courageous" rider after a time trail? Did the media have some sort of inside info that George was the only one really trying yesterday? Did he have to fight off some road bandits during the stage?

* Versus just did a story about Team Type 1, the team made up of diabetic riders. I had the pleasure of meeting one of the team's founders, and riders, Phil Southerland, at a Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation bike ride in Whitefish Montana a couple of years ago. He's a very impressive young man. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak, I strongly recommend you do. I'm not diabetic, but despite my longstanding policy against buying and wearing pro jerseys, I might just have to suspend that rule and buy a Team Type 1 jersey.

* Well, just to show how much I know about pro cycling, apparently hell froze over today, because the breakaway survived to the end. (Just so you know, I could have erased that first observation from my Stage 7 comments before I published this post, and no one would have been the wiser. I should get some points for publishing my own dumb assertions.)

Stage 8
* I wonder if Phil and Paul find Craig as annoying as the rest of us do. They just have to.

* Apparently, I'm losing my mind. I could have sworn I just heard Craig Hummer say that he rode the climb up Palomar Mtn a month ago. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call B*ll Sh*t on that. Assuming that Craig Hummer could complete that climb, there's still snow on the ground now. How much snow must there have been on that mountain a month ago?

* Bob Roll interviews Lance again. Lance seems very relaxed these days. I would seem that cutting Cheryl Crow loose has lifted the weight of the world off of his shoulders.

* Just saw a couple of streakers on the side of the road. This, among so many other things, reconfirms the widely held belief that California is truly the land of fruits and nuts.

* Oscar "Baby Face" Selvilla was on a solo breakaway today. He might have survived if race officials hadn't made him stop, to see if he had a note from his mother excusing him from school today.

* I particularly enjoy watching fat guys, who normally couldn't run across my living room without having a heart attack, attempt to run along side the riders. These guys are cardiac incidents looking for a place to happen.

* Another certified nut sighting on the side of the road. This guy was wearing a pair of black bikini briefs, a black mask, a red cape, and a heart rate monitor. Why was he wearing a heart rate monitor??? I'm guessing that he's trying to pace himself for a long day of looking like an idiot. Don't want to expend all of your energy making an idiot of yourself in the morning, and not have any energy left to make an idiot of yourself that afternoon.

* Rock Racing finished 7th out of 16 teams in the Overall Team classification. They immediately issued their "We suck less than over half the teams in the Tour of California" Special Edition team kit. Price to you, one pound of uncut diamonds.

One final thought
Coming into this year's ToC, I didn't think much of Levi Leipheimer. Yes, I know he had won the two previous ToC's, but to me, he did it in a very boring, unglamorous manner. It seemed that he was content to just get whatever time he could out of the other GC contenders in the prologue and the time trial, then just hold on to their wheels during the regular stages. I don't ever remember seeing him go on the attack.

But after this year's Tour, I have a new found respect for Levi. Not only did he gain his time in the TT's as usual, but he actually went on the attack in stage 2. He actually rode off the front, and dared anyone to go with him. None of the GC contenders could. That's the mark of a true champion. Not only winning, but taking it to your opponents.

Given that Team Astana is probably going to ride for Lance during the Giro, and there probably going to ride for Alberto in the TdF, I for one, would love to see the entire team get behind Levi for the Vuelta. I'd love to see Levi on the top step of the podium at the end of a Grand Tour. Call me a bandwagon jumper if you must, but I'm officially a Levi fan now.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Continuing my series of post with my observations from the Tour of California, today we look at Stages 4 & 5. These two stages represent the best, and worst, in watching cycling on TV. We finally get to some real mountains, and we have to sit through a flat, boring stage.

Stage 4
* Holy Cow! It stopped raining!

* What is the stuff lining the sides of the roads that Phil and Paul keep referring to? Snow? Being from Texas, I'm somewhat unfamiliar with it.

* Phil just referred to the Rabobank team as "The Men of Orange". Oooooh, scary. That's a nickname sure to strike fear in the hearts of the other teams.

* Looking at the team kits, I have to say that when I first saw the new Team Highroad colors, I wasn't too impressed with them. But the longer I see them on the road, the more I like them. I think the fake 6-pack abs are a bit over the top, but other than that, there one of the best kits on the tour. Team BMC has to have the most boring kit ever. Black and white, with black and white lettering. They must have spent all of 10 minutes designing those.

* There's just something extremely odd about a bald cyclist. See Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner as examples. It's very disturbing to look through the vents on their helmets, and see a bald head staring back at you. I could be looking into the future, given my own follicle challenges. But when it happens to me, it will no longer be weird. It'll be hip, and if I say so myself, a tad dashing.

* Floyd Landis gave another interview. Surprisingly, he was downright pleasant. Almost made me feel sorry for him. I don't know if he doped or not. All things being equal, he probably did. But think about this, what if he didn't do it? Given that he spent every cent he had trying to clear his name, and all of the endorsements that he didn't get, how can you begin to measure what he has lost.

* Lance's TT bike has been recovered by police. On a completely unrelated topic, the time trial bike that I had for sale is now off the market. They can't prove anything.

* Major crash today. Apparently, having forgotten how to ride on dry pavement, Floyd Landis, Kim Kirchen, and Oscar Friere got tangled up. Their team directors have all filed official protest, saying that their teams may not be able to continue if these sunny and dry conditions continue.

* Is there anything cooler than dressing up in a cheap, idiotic costume, and running along the side of the road when the cyclist come by. I think not.

* That comedian that Versus has running around, Rasika Mathur, just sucks the lifeforce out of me. Every time she's on the TV, it takes 3 months off my life. She needs to go away, soon.

* Does anyone else find that "Flo" woman from the Progressive Insurance commercial, strangely hot. Me neither, I was just checking.

Stage 5
* Why is it that the cameras, without fail, never seem to miss the riders taking a "nature break" on the side of the road. It's always funny when they suddenly realize what they were broadcasting, and they quickly cut away to another shot.

* With today being a boring flat stage, I think Paul nodded of at one point. Craig Hummer asked him to explain, for the 10th time in 5 stages, what the cyclist in a paceline were doing. Paul's response was "They're just doing a bit of Bid & Bit.....", and just sort of trailed off. He either actually nodded off, or that explanation actually makes sense in Europe. In America, it seems to be utter gibberish.

* Bob Roll gets his head shaved on TV today! Excellent. We can all give The Fat Cyclist credit for this one. If you've been following his coverage of the ToC, and if you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do, you are no doubt aware that Fatty got Bob to agree to get his head shaved if they could raise $5,000.00 in donations to LiveStrong before the end of the Tour. Not only did they get it done before the end of the Tour, they got it done in 24 hours.

* To commemorate Bob shaving his head, Rock Racing has issued their "Bob Roll Rocks" Special Edition team kit. Cost to you, the Gross National Product of an average size Central American country.

* With about 40 miles to go in the stage, Phil just asked "Whats going on in the breakaway?" Given the excitement level of today's stage, "not a d*mn thing" would be the correct answer.

* Zzzzzzzzzz.....

*Zzzzzzzzzzz....

*Zzzzzzzzzzz....Huh? What? Sorry about that, I nodded of there for a few minutes, (really, I did). Well, lets see what I missed. Interesting, with 30 miles to go, a group of 6 is off the front by about 4 minutes. Gee, I wonder if they'll make it?

* Bob Roll seems to be getting better at doing these interviews. He should have shaved his head days ago.

* Mark Cavendish is a sprinting God! In the future, I would recommend that he crosses the finish line before he starts celebrating.

Tomorrow, the Solvang time trail, and the race of truth. Should be fun.

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred

The Horror continues...

More inane observations from watching the Tour of California.

Stage 2
* What a shock, it's still raining.

* The peloton just crossed the Golden Gate Bridge. Rock Racing has issued their "Golden Gate Bridge Rocks" Special Edition kit. Yours for the low low cost of $85,000.00.

* Not only can you attract women with Enzyte, but apparently you can impress a bunch of old men at your local barber shop.

* OUCH is a really bad name for a cycling team. They might as well call in Broken Collar Bone Cycling.

* Someone may want to let the Cervelo Test Team know that there's a bicycle race going on here. Does "Test Team" mean that this is the team their trying out, to see if they want to sponsor a real team.

* I thought that only women hyphenated their last name. Ben Jacques-Maines??? I can only guess that he wanted to keep his maiden name.

* It just seems strange to see baby-faced Oscar Sevilla wearing the Rock Racing skull. Kind of like seeing the Johnas Brothers wearing Hell's Angel's jackets. I hear Oscar might have to start shaving any day now.

* Why do the motorcycle camera men, only seem to clean their lens when their camera is actually on.

* Lance has refused to take a musset bag in the feeding zones. Fearing a second attack, similar to the one he suffered in his last Tour de France, he has instead order delivery from Pizza Hut.

* Is it just me, or do a lot of these riders seem to be foreigners. Aren't there any Americans who want to race their bikes?

* As far as I'm concerned, there is no greater feat of coordination and dexterity, than watching a pro cyclist put on a cycling vest, or "cape" as Phil and Paul call them, while pedaling down the road. Most of us would either crash or strangle ourselves if we tried to do that.

* Levi attacks off the front of the peloton, and takes the overall race lead. Undeterred by the fact that he rides for Astana, Rock Racing issues their "Levi Rocks" Special Edition kit. Cost is 1 lbs of flesh, or all the equity that you have in your home, whichever is worth more.

* Towards the end of the stage, the sun actually comes out and shines on the race. The local fans, unfamiliar with this phenomenon, and fearing that it is a sign of the Apocalypse, immediately abandon their positions on the route and flee to their local churches. A state of emergency has been declared in California.

Stage 3
* Annnd, still raining.

* I never thought I'd say this, but Craig Hummer makes me miss Al Trautwig.

* While I'm sure that they cost several hundred dollars, Mark Cavendish's cycling glasses are the dorkiest things I've every seen. I work in the IT department at Southwest Airlines, surrounded by computer nerds wearing those exact same frames.

* It appears that a group of cyclist have come up with a new strategy for stage racing. This cutting edge strategy involves attacking right from the start of the stage, riding out front for the better part of 100 miles, and then getting caught within sight of the finish line. Team director's are scrambling to come up with a way to combat this never before seem style of racing.

* Levi crashes! While it first appeared that this was a failed attempt by Lance to kill Levi, after watching the reply, it now appears that Levi tried to kill himself. I theorize that Levi sucummed to the pressure of wearing the yellow jersey.

* I notice that Lance is still wearing his helmet visor. Given the weather, a scuba mask might be more helpful.

* Bob Roll should really consider thinking about the questions that he is going to ask during an interview ahead of time, instead of his present strategy of just coming up with something on the fly.

* Maybe it's my Junior High sense of humor, but I start giggling every time Phil says that the riders up front are "breaking the wind" for the riders behind them. (snicker, snicker).

* Tom Boonen has very odd looking ears. It appears that he was trying to turn them inside-out, and they got stuck.

* Paul Sherwin had the neatest way of describing Levi's crash, a crash that Levi just jumped up from and got back on his bike. He described it as "a crash without too much gravity". Very cool.

* This Enzyte really appears to be amazing stuff. Aside from the "male enhancement" benefits that it promises, if you take this stuff, apparently you'll also be able to:
Drive a race car.
Hit a golf ball 400 yards.
Compel women you barely know at the office Christmas party, to sit on your lap for an uncomfortably long time.

* Fransico Mancebo leads the KOM competition. Rock Racing issues their "Fransico Rocks" Special Edition kit. Yours free with the purchase of 1 pair of Rock Republic jeans, or trade for 1 solid gold bar, whichever is more.

* Cervelo Test Team must have been reading this blog. They finally made their way up to the front of the peleton. Just in time. They almost missed the entire race.

I'm off to watch stage 4. Finally, real mountains!

Peace out.....Nearly Famous Fred